FEBRUARY - ST VALENTINE'S MONTH

Idly looking up February, I find that it is named after the strips of skin (februa) taken from the animals that were sacrificed during Lupercalia by the Romans. I suppose that not a lot of people know that! (acknowledgments to  Peter Sellers).

January, which is really what I was going to write about, was really a non-event – partly because I decided to have a dry month. It’s not much bother to do that, but I did not lose the adipose tissue that I hoped – partly because there was all the Christmas left-overs to finish. In particular there was a whole Christmas cake, because none of the grandchildren like fruit cake – even with marzipan and icing on top – and in one case, because of it!

Three of four days of the month were spent with the physio, who is trying to straighten my back out. Only party successful, and if I don’t watch it I over-exercise and pull muscles in places that I did not know I had. However, I am fully back in the water and swimming three days a week for the full 1000m. Which is nice.

We continue to decorate the house and are about to move to the main living room. Which means taking all the furniture out and putting it into storage, so that the place can be given a lick of paint and some new carpet.

Now, if you want to see a really good film – which will not, I think, get a mention in the various film and acting awards -  try to get to The Big Short. All about a few geeks and weirdoes who recognise, sometimes by accident, that the 2007/8 stock market and financial crash is coming, and see short on various derivatives, mainly bundled up sub-prime mortgages. It makes what actually happened shockingly clear. It also set me thinking about some of the legislation that I wrote for the Cayman Islands, which may have enabled the formation of some entities that facilitated the various derivatives on which the whole ship foundered. Ho hum.

Now - 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com (probably originally Cohn or Cohen) did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

       

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"      

     

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."      

     

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.      

     

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

     

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.       

     

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."       

     

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators”. 

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.      

     

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.      

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).      

     

This is how it all began. And that's the truth.      

+++

GREEK LEGAL SYSTEM - DIVORCE CASE HEARING!

 

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece,     

but the custody of their children posed a problem.

    

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

   

DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!!

+++

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.  

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. 

The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...The Magic Penis!'  

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an  ordinary dildo. 

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' 

The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'  

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. 

The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. 

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and

returned to the box. 

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. 

She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' 

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. 

After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. 

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck and her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. 

So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital. 

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. 

A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. 

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink

officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it

won't stop screwing me. 

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right ... Magic Penis, my ass!'

The rest, as they say, is history.

++

It's a Jonny  again

The teacher was asking the children what they had for breakfast, and

then to spell it."Mary, what did you have?" "I had cornflakes, Miss.

C-O-R-N-F-L-A-K-E-S."

"Very good. Alan, what did you have?" "I had toast, Miss.

T-O-A-S-T."

"Very good. Now Johnny, what did you have?"

"Bugger all, Miss. B-U-G-G-E-R......"

"Yes, thank you Johnny, that's enough of that.

Let's go on to some geography. Tracey,

where is the Panama Canal?"

"Between North and South America, Miss."

"Very good.  George, where is the Mexican border?"

"Between the USA and Mexico, Miss."

"Very good. Now Johnny, where is the Polish border?"

"In bed with my mum. That's why I had bugger all for breakfast,

Miss."

+++

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this  congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." 

No one moved. 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." 

Again, all was quiet. 

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a figure that would stop a runaway train, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. 

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. 

Give me an Amen, Brother!!

+++

And if you want to see aerobatics performed by the Airbus A 350, see this!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/gI4jWYZLeHQ .

+++

Also

RIDING THE SPACE-SHUTTLE BOOSTER (BOTH UP AND DOWN!) - or

Riding a HUGE fire-cracker - and staying with it through recovery…

This is about as close as we are going to get to the real thing (the cameras are mounted on the sides of the Space Shuttle booster tanks).

Notice when it breaks the sound barrier!

https://www.youtube.com/v/2aCOyOvOw5c

+++

And finally….

The 2015 Darwin Awards 

These are the annual honours given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

                                        

This year's winner was a rocket scientist! 

Remember, every one of these accounts is TRUE. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

And the nominees were: 

Semi-finalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 

Semi-finalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 

Semi-finalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax county police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.  "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was major trauma. 

Semi-finalist #4                     

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt that he is a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized. 

Semi-finalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition, lights, power, etc. 

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! 

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers. 

                     

Now - the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist.... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. 

He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! 

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. 

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. 

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. 

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. 

Epilogue :

It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph – although much of his voyage was not actually on the ground… 

Have a good one!

A pinch and a punch - but it's not quite the first of the month! - again!!

Well, Happy New Year to y’all. I know there will be some readers who live on the edge of the wet bits of England and Scotland, and we really do hope that they will not be materially affected by the effects of the weather. i\ suspect that if we had the amount of rain that some parts of the UK have had, we would be flooded too, by the Medway, although we are some way from and above its normal course. I must look for some spot heights on the OS map.

Christmas was at home with No. 1 son and family. They ended up moving from Derbyshire to Dorset on the 22 December! So we collected the grandchildren from Derbyshire the previous weekend, and they stayed with us until after Christmas when they were taken to their new home. I expected them to be all stirred up, but they seemed to take it like lambs. Might be different when they go to their new school. They have moved to a listed house in the centre of Sherborne, with no parking space, and a double yellow line on the road outside. The sort of circumstances where I would probably not remember where I left it after coming home the previous evening!

Other than that, December was pretty quiet, apart from the various shopping trips that were required. I had the pleasure of switching bank accounts, which is nearly as complex as moving house. They say that they look after all the standing orders and direct debits, but they never undertake to tell the important people – such as those who make regular payments of pension, salary, and such like to you. That is left to you. And as many of those are government organisations, in our case, well, we shall see………

It also involves closing the credit card accounts and opening new ones, and I wonder what that might have done to my credit rating.

Correspondence has been reasonable in December, and I offer the following, some old and some new

The recession has hit everyone really hard... 

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. 

I saw a Muslim with only one wife. 

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. 

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. 

A picture is now only worth 200 words. 

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. 

And, finally... 

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. 

+++

“Why are you here to see the doctor”? asked the nurse to the man in the examination room.

“I’ll tell you, but I don’t want you to laugh”, said Bob.

“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could. “I am so sorry,” she said , “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

+++

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

 Dr. Young:  "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

 Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young:  "Oh, no you don't,  -- that is Gasoline!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! 

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1,000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10! 

Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations! You got your vision back!  ; That will be $500.

" Moral of story  -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

+++

4 Worms In Church and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

+++

Way too close for comfort! – But very seasonal…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/TX9EAavxrus

+++

This is an actual recall from one of our Cayman lawyers, J.W. Masters, otherwise known as "Croc". Australian.

The Floor is still wet

Culture is a funny thing. Men in the Caribbean whilst head of the family, are largely compliant when directed to do something by their women. Some women should simply not be crossed (see am dat your car) and I have had to give advice about some interesting crimes involving domestic violence. 4

In October both the Commissioner and I were in a meeting in his office and he had his radio monitor switched on. This is a most effective means of getting first-hand what is going on and man do you hear some funny and amazing things. Anyhow, the Commissioner says to me: “John, I hope that you don’t mind but we have a domestic where injuries are suspected and I wouldn’t mind listening in for a while.”

The story is that police get called to an address where shouting has been reported, it is suspected to be a domestic, police attend the scene and discover a man lying on the front lawn clearly deceased and his wife sitting at the kitchen table with the knife close beside her. This is where I start listening to the conversation (all identities are protected).

Inspector at radio base: “What is the situation?”

Constable: “The woman was cleaning house and told her husband not to walk on the wet floor and he ignored her so she took a big kitchen knife and stab him in the chest. He then walk outside and fall dead in the front garden.”

Inspector: “Where is the woman?”

Constable: “She is in the kitchen”.

Inspector: “Have you arrested her?”

Constable: “No, sir.”

Inspector: “Why not?”

Constable: (silent pause) - “Because the floor is still wet.”

+++

https://www.youtube.com/embed/jAF2hZxdFRE

+++

Huge Bear surprises Ecobubble on photoshoot

https://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0

Go to

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwe-pA6TaZk?rel=0 

for a really Happy New Year!

+++

Yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. 

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,  "Strip down, facing me." 

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!! 

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. Besides, I don't think I looked that bad...

+++

A WELL-KNOWN IRISH GHOST STORY

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.   Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. 

The car started moving again slowly.  John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. 

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but it never touched nor harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.   Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying...and he wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

"Look Paddy...there's that feckin’ eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

 

+++

A SCOTTISH LOVE-STORY...

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a we cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

+++

STRESS…

You pick up a hitchhiker: a beautiful girl.

Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital.

Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth.  By now you're extremely stressed but yet relieved.

On your way back to your house, you're thinking about *your* 5 kids at home….

We are reaching the end of this post. Have a really good, healthy and happy New Year.

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