The Grenyers' News: November 2017

Well, I have begun typing this on the 1 November. Whether it gets published today is in the lap of the gods.

November starts with fireworks - but more of that next month. It looks as though it might be a good one, what with all the imagined and invented offensiveness around in the media.

We started October with a funeral. A very old friend reached the end of his twig, and, to be honest he was not having a lot of fun at the end, but he had had a very successful retirement. He was fairly hih up in the Bank of England’s personnel department, and when the time came to slim down they looked for people who were prepared to retire early. Ad an inducement some were given a top up to their pension to the full amount and he happened to be one of the luck ones. So he retired well before his 50^th birthday, with a full, inflation-proofed pension. I remember he had some sort of celebration when he reached the point when he had been retired for longer than he had worked. When he eventually departed this life, he had a funeral that was described by the vicar as “the happiest such occasion he had seen for a long time – not because he had died, but because that was how he and his family had lived for as long as I have known them.

The rest of October has been pretty mundane. I spoke on the phone to Dai Bamford – a chap I was at school; with who had a stroke last February and who is now learning to walk again. Amazingly positive about it all, and trying hard.

It’s interesting to see how many people start going on expensive foreign holidays as soon as the school hols are over. I predict that this will not last long, as the holiday xcpmpanies will realise what is happening, if they haven’t already, and will extend theexpensive period to reap the additional rewards. Then therw will be a big cliff edge down to the winter rates, with nothing in between. The solution is to holiday in this country. Meanwhile, I hope to be in Lanzarote before the end of the month. Not been there before, and I understand that it is windy, with black sand, and volcanoes all around. One of which is feeling restless, and which, if it blows, will create a tsunami that will be felt in the USA. I hope hotel will be a bit above sea level. Mind you, we have lived quite close to a very active volcano when we were in Antigua. Montserrat was just across the water, and when it was dark you could see the glowing lava going down the slope. When you got up in the morning, the car as covered with fine dust. It was pumice powder, and if you brushed it off with your hand, you ended up after a few weeks with a freshly sanded car, ready for spraying.

Halloween is over, and the Christmas trees are being delivered. It is astonishing that they still have needles on them by Christmas. In the meantime, the card manufacturers are beginning to have a thin time of it. There are so many more classy e-cards nowadays. And e-mail and social media being what it is, the family experiences letters are getting shorter and/or rarer. Pity – I quite like some of the newsletters that I get. I always get a good one from the mother of a couple of my swimmers, that is to say swimmers that I used to coach in the swimming club up to 1988 or so. I had not seen her since than until last week when she suddenly turned up at my car window in Waitrose Car Park in Orpington. Quite rewarding.

Enough chat. I must get something together about being an “Independent Person” within the meaning of the Act. I shall have to decide what is printable, if anything.

Here is the best of my collection recently:

THE DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and then - being a little concerned - asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight: you don't have any milk.'

‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma - but I'm glad that I came.’

+++++

The Dead Horse Theory of Bureaucracy

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses,

and, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

+++

EINSTEIN AND BILLY GRAHAM

Billy Graham – remember him?? - is now 98 and suffering with Parkinson's disease. Some years ago, civic leaders in Charlotte, North Carolina, invited their favourite son, Billy Graham, to a luncheon in his honour.

Billy initially hesitated to accept the invitation because he struggles with his debilitating disease. But the Charlotte leaders said, 'We don't expect a major address. Just come and let us honour you.' So he agreed.

After wonderful things were said about him, Dr. Graham stepped to the rostrum, looked at the crowd, and said, "I'm reminded today of Albert Einstein, the great physicist who this month has been honored by Time Magazine as the Man of the Century.

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there. He looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. "The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'

"Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

"The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.”

+++

DOREEN'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,
short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this
"all-girls" trip. It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
today -- seems like a very nice man.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured
and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several

large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way
with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice!

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The Beauty of the English Language

Could this have been possible - without English Language Skills?

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the Erection to the Resurrection."

+++

Now, if you want to see how to dance, try this: