HAPPY CHRISTMAS

December again. Work on bathroom, kitchen, etc. nearly all completed at huge cost. Remind me not to do this again. More hassle than moving. Work on the garden suspended until the Spring unless spomething strange happens. I have spent the last month digging our tree roots, and have had enough of that, but they are all done. However, the soil is quite friable, but the sub-soil is clay, and this means that the top soil gets very wet, with all the rain that we have had, and does not drain away. It is only about 9 inches thick, so if you dig any deeper you find yellow clay. It also explains why it gets so dry in the summer. You cannot win.

Met Alain and Brenda, whom I have known since I was six, in London last month. They live in France, and are a necessary target when we go to the continent. Always a pleasure to see them. There's nothing like keeping up with old friends.

Also went to the O² , and it took a bit of inventiveness to type that in superscript! for the Barclays Bank Tennis World Finals. Very expensive seats, and positively the most uncomfortable I have sat in for many years. It is not recommended - especially as I was told the other day that the seats elsewhere are 100 x worse. Ho hum.

To cinema twice in one month. Mr Turner ws great - really good acting, and not just by the lead. And to The Imitation Game, where again ther was brilliant acting, but only called for from the lead. Supporting cast's parts did not give the actors scope for their talents. Both films definitely worth seeing.

Also to the Bidborough Am Dram play, but a workman outside in the road had, a couple of hours previously, put a pneumatic drill through the main electricity cable. He survived, but I gather that the drill was not a lot of good afterwards. It reminded me of when I was working for Bromley Borough, when an Irish road worker put a pick-axe through a cable, and the shock threw him across the road. He said "Begorrah" - or something like that - and went back and grabbed hoid of the pick to take it out, and ended up on the other side of the road again.

Christmas is coming. Cards are being written, and presents bought. Doesn't get any cheaper. The Autumn budget statement has been delivered and is full of doom and gloom, despite the apparent icing on the cake. It's time that the Goveenrment woke up to the fact that the primary duties of any government, of any country, is to be in a position to defend the realm against attack from outside, and to preserve the peace. Anything else should come afterwards, - something we were told time and again at all public service courses that I used to get sent to - and there weere a lot of them.

Finally, a couple of tales:

WHERE IS THE RAKE?

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to
take a shower.   I realized that I couldn't find the rake, so I yelled
up to my wife in the bathroom, “Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a
raking motion.
Then my wife still wasn't sure and said again "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first
pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she
pointed to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is
no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Somewhat exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?

She replied:  "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

THE FATAL TEXT!

  

  

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact probably more than you. I'm just not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damned autocorrect/predictive text! I meant "wifi", not "wife

Best Regards

An Israeli and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Israeli, "See how slick I am?  The owner didn't see anything."

The Israeli says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

The Israeli swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Israeli asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastry?"

The Israeli replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket.....”

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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can visit their own doctor.

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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession

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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a

little patient".

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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this

year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with

sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a
bit.

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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well!

Prophets are going through the roof

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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they

were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

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An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

=====

A SEASONAL LOVE STORY

I will seek and I will find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you…..

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days!

All my love,

The ‘Flu….

(Now, quit thinking about sex - and go and get your ‘flu shot!)

The Singing Anaesthesiologists

(NB: An anesthesiologist (US English) or anaesthetist (British English) is a physician trained in anesthesia and perioperative medicine.)

 These singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota  - and they can really sing. They are also funny. Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do":  

 http://nottotallyrad.blogspot.com/2009/11/waking-up-is-hard-to-do.html

 

Well, I thought September had been interesting...

but October had it beat! First of all we went to Jonathan Nicholson's daughter's wedding at Ripley Castle. Excellent do - we met several old friends and colleagues from Cayman, drank lots of champagne, had an excellent dinner, and then opted out of the dancing. We were probably not missed. We had spent the previous night at Harrogate, just up the road from Ripley, and on the Friday had met Dick and Jan Richardson and spent a convivial evening in the Old Bell at Harrogate, which is a Mecca for serious beer lovers. Then we travelled gently south, and stopped overnight in Derby so we could look after the grandchildren on the Tuesday while No 1 son and his wife went to work. As one does. Thereafter we drove gently home, arriving at about 7.30 in the evening.

We now need to add that, before we had left,  we had arranged for the bathroom fitters to come in and refurbish the bathroom and two toilets. We had taken several days to get to Harrogate, and they should have started on the Monday before the wedding, the idea being to be away so that they could at least instal the shower before we arrived back. So we got in at 7.30 in the evening to find that they had not started until a week late, and when we went upstairs both the bathroom and the toilet were completely stripped out. Not a good thing to find at that hour of the night! It did not help to find a note from the fitter to say that he would not be in the next day! Off to the nearest hotel, where we stayed for 7 days while they got on with the work that should have been done while we were away. Eventually it was all done, and they did make a very generous contribution to our hotel expenses - which probably means they would have made a huge profit out of the whole transaction if it had gone according to plan.

As I write rather the same thing has happened to the kitchen, except that this was planned for, although I was a bit surprised to find that in order to put in some more electric sockets they have had to completely remove the ceilings in both the kitchen and the utility room.

We have had several invitations to lunch over the next couple of weeks, which is a very welcome development. And the pizza shop and the curry house will make a bit of money too.

Also went to Grantham to the funeral of the solicitor who taught me the law and practice of a solicitor back in the 1960s. It just leaves me and one other of the old Bromley Town Clerk's department to carry the flag.

Thanks to Alan for the following:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”...

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? “

And to David and several others for this:

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's chosen term was "political correctness".

The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

And here is some irreverent humour:

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

 I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Just been to the gym. 

They've got a new machine in.

I've only used it for half an hour

It's great though. It does everything –

Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot !

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 Recent Survey poll  

             

Q: Are there too many immigrants in Britain

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please

         

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalian, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.

They've sent my form back

                 

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 Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going

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 The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.

She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.

In a recent  survey carried out by "brut", a leading toiletries firm:

“People  from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the  shower!"

In the survey, 86% of Chicago residents  say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% had not been to prison yet!

Sort of brings tears to your eyes!

+++

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “ Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: “Euronating” .

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

And a Spanish link:

How men peel apples for a pie...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=335893426565493

Have a good month.