Good
Morning
Late
again, but never mind. The latest is that I have to have my new hip taken out
and replaced. However, it will be, I am told, a one-stage operation – that is
to say that I shall not be left without a hip joint for a period. Which is good
news. However, I do have to go to the NHS hospital at Pembury for the op as it
has an intensive care unit, which I gather is advisable for this op, as it is
long and difficult. Also, there will be adequate supplies of blood, which is
reassuring as when the original replacement hip was put in they ran out of
blood and there were motor cycles burning up the rubber over Kent to gather in
supplies for me.
Other
than that we are all OK, although we were plagued by the latest chest infection
to do the rounds, and it hung around for longer that is pleasant.
At
last the garden has woken up this year. Apart from the bay tree, which looks
very sad after all the cold weather. The shed has been painted and the cracked
window replaced, together with the roof, and the borders have filled up. All we
need now are some blooms from the plants that have been put in.
Pleased
tp hear that David Wheaton is somewhere in the country, having come from Cayman.
With luck we shall have time for a beer or two together. Further Cayman
visitors are expected later in the year, and we look forward to seeing them.
The
latest idea is to have an extension built, so that we get a second bathroom. I
gather that it is the only building work on a house that will pay for itself
immediately, if you are forced to sell. In other words, it is an investment
that will appreciate at the rate that the cost of houses increase. However,
just recently house prices, having gone through the roof, are now beginning to
fall. I really do not fancy being a newly qualified solicitor looking for a
house, though, as most of them round here will be out of financial reach. I
think the kindest thing to do is to leave your worldly possessions to your
grandchildren, rather than to your children.
In the days before criminal law legal aid
contracts and duty solicitors, how did solicitors get defence work?
Reputation was the best route, but you may be
surprised to learn that the police could be paid to send work. Clerks in local
court legal aid departments were also a useful source, again for a fee.
But I learnt the other day of a novel way to
drum up defence instructions. A solicitor in the West End adopted an outraged
countenance as he reported to the police that a brothel was operating across
the street from his office.
Watch was kept and arrests duly made. But then
the officer in the case was surprised to see the complaining solicitor turn up
at court to act for the defendants.
And
now…..
Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing
street. One is from Birmingham another is from Liverpool, and the third is some
bloke from London.
All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The
Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works
some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job
will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for
me."
The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and
£200 profit for me."
The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans
over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers
back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the
job."
"Done!" replies the government official..... And that my dear
friends....... is how Carillion was born.....
+++
A woman
takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year
old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
the bedroom
closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the
little boy is in there already.
The little
boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man
says, 'Yes, it is..'
Boy - 'I
have a golf ball..'
Man -
'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want
to buy it?'
Man - 'No,
thanks.'
Boy - 'My
dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK,
how much?'
Boy -
'$250'
A few weeks
later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet
together..
Boy - 'Dark
in here.'
Man - 'Yes,
it is.'
Boy - 'I
have a sand wedge.
The lover,
remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy -
'$750'
Man -
'Sold.'
A few days
later, the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball,
let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy
says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father
says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy -
'$1,000.'
The father
says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more
than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to
the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth as
he closes the door.
The boy
says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest
says, 'Don't start that shit with me again you little pecker - you're in my
closet now!!!’
+++
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting
around
drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A
real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear
and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs went first.
Well, he said, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear.
And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. "
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and
had an IV drip.
"I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill,
until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb."
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and
monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start..."
My
thanks to Alan for the latest crop – some really good original stuff there.
Have a good month.
