Well, better late than never, I suppose. November was quite
a good month. Lots of swimming. Got the house re-carpeting and redecoration
finally completed. You have no idea how much disturbance that causes, apart
from the cost of having the stairlift dismantled to allow the carpets to be replaced
(they had been down since about 1980!). And the hall and landing lights needed
replacing, too. It wasn’t too long ago when all you needed was a bit of flex
with a lamp shade and a bulb. Now you can’t get a proper bulb, but have to
spend about five times as much to get a green version of the same, or you get
an expensive light fitting which invariably has a cluster of exotic bulblets
all of which will have to be replaced within six months as the manufacturers
only fit cheap Chinese ones to keep down the cost. I do wonder if this is a
sensible way to save the planet.
Great to see my old friend Alain, who now lives in France,
who ventured back to the UK for one of his visits. We met when I was 6 and he
was seven at Sunday School and have kept in touch ever since. He spent his time
firstly travelling the world as a master Mariner in the Merchant Navy, and then
as the Secretary of an international organisation set up to promote the
employment of the disabled.
A good evening at the Warren in Coney hall with the Halstead
Jazz Club Big Band. Very gifted lot, and not to be missed. See their web site
at http://halsteadjazzclubbigband.com
They are run by Nick Beston, who is a gifted musician, and was one of my
swimmers at Orpington when I was coaching swimmers there.
Then to a performance of Gilbert and Sullivans Trial by Jury,
but this time performed in a real courtroom – the Crown Court at Lewes. Very
entertaining, and all arranged through one of the judges who used to sit there
(now retired). They really got the atmosphere of the court right, as well as
some of the odd things that probably still go on. For more details, see the
script.
And then to the Brick Lane Music Hall. It’s the second
visit, and just as good as the first. An entirely fresh show each year. Very
entertaining, Bawdy, and vulgar, and very
camp. Go to www.bricklanemusichall.co.uk
And then to the Bidborough Pudding Club, who have changed
their venue to the Kentish Hare at Bidborough. The management there are being
trained to make a proper Kate and Sidney with suet. They, being professional
and fairly upmarket restaurateurs, are a bit resistant to providing school
dinners, but we are getting there.
Enough diary. Try one of these!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
+++
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of
someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got
problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one
year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the
doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about
those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year,
is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I
went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said,
“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't
nobody under there now.”
It’s always better to get a second opinion.
+++
THE NEW HUSBANDS STORE IN MELBOURNE
A
store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to
choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of
how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor,
or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!
So,
a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the
sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She
is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's
nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand
it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor
31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at
the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner
opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives
that love sex.
The second floor has
wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
(NB: The
third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited…)
+++
HONDA’S MINIATURE MAGIC!
+++
Interesting story!
+++
If
these things get even a modicum of Artificial Intelligence, I'd be wary of
pushing them around with a hockey stick......
+++
And that’s all. TTFN – I can’t remember who signed off with
that.
