Late again – sorry, but I have been in Dorset visiting the
grandchildren. At least, I can still drive long distances without problems, and
a recent eye test has confirmed that although there is the beginnings of a
cataract, there is nothing to worry about. Otherwise with glasses I have 20/20
vision, which, given the history of retinal detachments over the years seems to
be pretty remarkable. Mind you, I had a good surgeon, one Jonathan Jagger. He first
operated on me fixing a detached retina, and I had cause to see him several
more times. I wondered where he had got to, but I discovered that he is now the
Queens’s eye surgeon.
We have also had staying with us our good friends Barry Smith and Jilly. We
first knew Barry when he was living in Orpington, but he decided , quite to our
surprise, to emigrate with his family to Oz, where he made cakes in bulk with
great success, He has now returned with Jilly as she needs attention to her
retina – she has macular degeneration, which is something we all dread. So she
is going to try the London Eye Hospital, to see what they can do, and we hope that
they can help.
Let's mourn the demise of a once-great political party. Not
the Lib Dems but the Monster Raving Loony Party, which is fielded only 12
candidates. A pity, since the heirs to Screaming Lord Sutch have some good
policies, such as making Germany pay for all treatment of German measles and
Spain for Spanish flu, renaming Oyster travel cards Sardines to reflect cramped
Tube carriages and saving council budgets by only painting yellow lines in
places where you can park.
I am hoping to get some sort of advice from my hip man on
the 18 July, and I hope that he will tell me that my hip is free of infection. Mind
you, he will probably than tell me that I am recovering well enough to hope
that I can continue without a further operation. I can get to most places with
only one stick at present, but we shall see.
Now, to see the beginning of trad jazz, leading to skiffle,
click on the following two links. They were filmed in 1955
I picked this up from a book by Billy Bragg called “Roots,
Radicals and Rockers” which tells how Lonnie Donegan ended up doing what he did
best. Well worth reading. Next on the reading list is Boris’ book on Churchill.
Someone unwisely lent it to me, and I must return it before I get too deep in
it, and buy my own copy. Hugely readable, and not your ordinary biography at
all.
Sometimes
you just hear what you want to hear.
At a travel
agency in Shanghai, I asked the pretty Chinese girl behind the counter, if she could escort me on a city tour
and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "sex,
sex, sex, wan free sex for tonight". I replied, "Wow, you
Chinese women are really hospitable!"
A guy
standing next to me overheard the conversation and tapped me on the shoulder and said "Sorry mate, - What she really said was:
666136429."
+++
Now, this will be the mode of transportation for everyone
and it will be commonplace! I do hope that people our age will live to see it!
Go to
+++
A CNN reporter walks into a neighbourhood tavern and is about to order a drink
when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a “Make America Great Again”
hat. It didn’t take an Einstein to know the guy was a Donald Trump
supporter.
The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for that Trump supporter.”
After the drinks were handed out the Trump guy gives the CNN guy a big smile, waves at him and says, in an equally loud voice, “Thank you!”
This infuriates the CNN reporter. So he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the guy wearing the Trump hat. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Trump guy. He just continues to smile and again yells, “Thank you!”
So the CNN guy again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Trump guy. And again the Trump guy just smiles and yells back, “Thank you!”
At that point the aggravated CNN reporter asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Trump supporter? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
+++
Some of these were around when I was at school, I seem to
remember, but some are brand new. Roll over, Tommy Cooper!
PUNS...
1. The fattest knight at King
Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference (he
acquired his size from too much pi.)
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an
Alaskan island - but it turned out to be an
optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he
loved her still.
4. A rubber-band
pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math
disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the
envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the
road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in
France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They
ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist
camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit
flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack
in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept
getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab
centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who
escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard
gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that
counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When the cannibals
ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in
Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane,
carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry,
sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,
'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies,
'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who
refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
+++
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere
with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without
the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of
you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I
will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your
eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech
therapist, "Who's next ?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley"..
That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid,
Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! Said the speech therapist and immediately
set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple
paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"
+++
And finally…..
"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of
your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools." –
Plato.
