Otherwise progress continues in improving my ability to get about. Had another session with the physio today - another set of exercises to do - will probably take up an hour a day, but probably worthwhile at the end, although some of them are very uncomfortable.
Both sons are on the move. Leon got a promotion in Morgan Stanley and to celebrate moved house - 200 yards up the road, and still in Dulwich. Neil has been made a director of Lawrence of Crewkerne, big fine art auctioneers - and is moving from Derby to Dorset. This will probably mean some child-minding - if not the provision of temporary accommodation. At present the whole process is being held up by the inability of West Dorset District Council to get a local search back in less than 3 months. To someone who spent the first few months of his articles looking after the local searches for Bromley this is incomprehensible, but I am not minded to get involved.
Spent a happy evening a couple of days ago making sure that David Wheaton left the country for grand Cayman, which is where he belongs. Always a pleasure to see him.
Added to the administrative burden of living by deciding to switch bank accounts from Nat West, where my family has banked since before the First World War - literally - mainly because they have vastly increased their charges and no longer provide the items in the package that we want. Signing up instead with Nationwide, who do provide us with the necessary extras at more or less what NatWest have charged for many years.
Enough of the domestic stuff. This month has resulted in some interesting stuff - take your pick of the following:
*I
changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster
now!*
*You
can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she is holding a gun,
she's probably angry.*
*Gone
are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like
their fathers.*
*You
know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's
common sense leaving your body.*
*I
don't like making plans for the day because then the word"
premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.*
*I
didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.*
*I
decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel
so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.*
*Last
year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet...*
*Old
age is coming at a really bad time!*
*When
I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just
feels like a small vacation!*
*The
biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."*
*I
don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very
wise.*
*Teach
your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of
paper.*
*If
God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.*
OOH
SO TRUE WHY PRESS 1
*Why
do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to
someone I can't understand anyway?*
*Of
course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.*
*At
my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what
I went in there for.*
JUST A
WATER BED IN A GERMAN STORE
Note that
the sign says NOT to get on the bed,
But, oh
well..the best way to motivate people
to do
something is to put up a sign saying: "Don't........!"
Turn on
speakers and watch the surprised potential clients trying out the water bed.
(It's in German, but you don’t need to speak
the language to understand exactly what they are saying...)
Watch
particularly for the last two ladies !
+++
DOG FOR SALE
A man sees a sign outside a house -
'Talking Dog For Sale .'
He rings the bell, the
owner appears
And tells him the dog can
be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the
Labrador replies.
After recovering from the
shock of hearing the dog talk,
The man asks,
"So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says,
The Labrador looks up and says,
"Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the
government, so I told the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country
sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders.
Because no one imagined
that a dog would be eavesdropping,
I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years."
"But the jetting
around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger
So I decided to settle
down.
I signed up for a job at
Heathrow Airport
to do some undercover
security work,
Wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
I uncovered some
incredible dealings
and was awarded several
medals.
I got married, had a few
puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man was amazed
He goes back into the
house and asks the owner
how much he wants for the
dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing!
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing!
Why on earth are you
selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying hound...
"Because he's a lying hound...
He's never been out of the
garden."
+++
A QUIZ FOR MY VERY BRIGHT FRIENDS
(NB:
There are only nine questions! So, try and do it.... )
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick
questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..
1.
Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2.
What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3
Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are
the only two perennial vegetables?
4.
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5.
In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the
bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been
cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6.
Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are
all common words. Name two of them.
7.
There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half
of them?
8.
Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9.
Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter
'S.'
Answers
To Quiz (several lines down to discourage cheating!):
1 The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.
2 North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn
down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of
water that rush over it every minute.
3 Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4 The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5 How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The
bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place
on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When
the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6 Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...
7 Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period (full stop), comma, colon,
semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8 The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9 Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers,
slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
+++
Sensitivity Training
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."
+++
BREEDING THE FAMILY PIGS..
A farmer
had 5 female pigs.
Times
were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the
fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After
talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The
farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each and find a
field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first
morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into
the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the
thirty miles.
While the
pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How
will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other
farmer replied,
"If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant.”
“If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
"If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant.”
“If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
The next
morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This
continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.
The next
morning he was too tired to get out of bed. So he called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the
mud or in the grass."
"Neither,"
yelled his wife in response, "they're all waiting in the station wagon -
and one of them is honking the horn!..."
+++
I knew a chap
like this once – really!
+++
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He
being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He
being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an
hour, awakened without pain
and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he
could, and copping a little touch
here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up
to him and being a rather
seductive babe herself, he left his current
partner high and dry and devoted his
time to the new babe that had just arrived. She
let him go as far as he
wished...naturally, (since he was her husband).
Finally, he whispered a little
proposition in and she agreed. So off they went
to one of the cars and had a
quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped
away, went home, put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing.. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing.. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
