Shorter blog than usual, but that is because not only was I late last month, but we have had Christmas hols when everything seems to shut down - even fraternal communications!
Let’s start with the best cracker joke this Christmas:
Q. What do you
call Santa’s Little Helpers?
A. Subordinate
Clauses
December was not a bad month, all things considered. I had
an extra scan to check my chest after spending most of 2015 coughing. It was
sorted by April last year, and was found, strangely, to be the result of acid
reflux from my stomach. Given the current size of that organ, I suppose it is
not surprising that there are some side effects, but I had had no symptoms
apart from the cough, but they now want to keep an eye on me. Results are
promised some time this month, but we shall see. In the meantime I can still
swim a kilometre without getting puffed, so the bellows are working tolerably
well, all things considered.
The shops now seem to be in permanent sale mode, and I
usually take no notice of this, but we did manage to buy four hundred quid’s
worth of Dyson battery-driven vacuum cleaner for two hundred. It is an amazing
thing, can be used as a push-about or a very light hand-held one but either way
you get a huge performance. Not really my scene, but Sonia needs all the
labour-saving devices going, given the running around that she has to do for
me.
Went to a fabulous party last night – got in after 0230
hours, drank two pints of water and went to bed. Rose like a lark this morning
feeling fit for anything. The explanation is good quality red wine, not mixed
with anything else all evening – and remembering the water!
December results in our road trying to copy Cayman in
Christmas lights terms – it is quite spectacular, but there is only one picture
on the net at http://www.tonbridgelions.co.uk/christmas-lights.html
and it does not do the road justice. The film of the Tonbridge Christmas
Festival which Rotary and Lions jointly organised is better – go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxDE044iuo8
for 5 minutes of mayhem.
We spent Christmas in Weymouth, of all places. There was a
deal going at the Best Western Hotel there of which we took advantage, and took
the Dorset Grenyers out to lunch on Christmas Day. Very pleasant. We had three
nights there, and than came home. In the meantime the Dulwich Grenyers took
themselves off to Dubai, Borneo and Kuala Lumpur for Christmas, and got back on
the 29th, and the next day drove to the West Country for New year.
However, jet-lag caught up with them and they did not make midnight on the 31st.
Not really surprising.
That’s about it for now. A selection of the last few week’s
post follows, starting with an explanation of the reasons why we do certain
things. Thanks to David for this:
Hope this explains why friends forward jokes.
I've never thought of it this way before.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying
and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where
the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he
saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the
street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got Closer, he saw a man
at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse
me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have Some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my
friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller
asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned Back toward the road and
continued the way He had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and
at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm
gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no
fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any
water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller Gestured to the dog. "There
should be a bowl by the pump," said the man. They went through the gate,
and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The
traveller filled the water bowl and took a long Drink himself, then he gave
some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is
Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man
down the road said that was Heaven, too.'"
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No,
we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best
friends behind."
So-o-o-o. Now you see, sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding
stuff to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain it.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you
do? You forward emails! When you have nothing to say, but still want to
keep contact, you forward jokes!
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how .
. . . You forward stuff!
A
'forward' lets you know that . . .
. .
. You are still remembered,
. .
. You are still important,
. .
. You are still cared for.
So, next time if you get a 'forward', don't think that you've been sent
just another forwarded joke, But that you've been thought of today And your
friend on the other end of your computer Wanted to send you a smile.
You are welcome at my water bowl anytime !! So here's to keeping in touch
. . .
Even if it means only forwarding on an email .
Or writing a blog.
+++
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the
level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a
pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going
down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's
a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to
Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are
you going to get a lawyer?"
+++
THE DONKEY, THE POLICE AND FATHER O'MALLEY
Father
O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine Spring day in his new
Parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath
of the beautiful day outside.
He then
noticed there was.........a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn! He promptly called the local Police Station.
The
conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones,
how might I help you?" "And the rest of the day te
yerself, this is Father O'Malley at St.Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn....and would you be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant
Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, and recognising the Irish accent,
thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Weeeel
now Father, it was always my impression that YOU people took care of the last
rites!"....
There
was dead silence on the line for a brief moment before Father O'Malley replied,
" Aye, 'tis certainly true: but WE are also obliged to notify the next of
kin first - which is the reason for me call”.
+++
The legal profession is populated by people with a variety of regional
and class backgrounds, pointed out Gary Slapper. And accents and pronunciation
have sometimes prevented perfect mutual understanding.
Rarer, however, are incidents when pronunciation has been understood but
disfavoured by a lawyer and quickly condemned.
FE Smith, the sardonic barrister, controversial Conservative MP, and
legal reformer who became Lord Birkenhead, the lord chancellor (1919-22), was
once asked for some medical advice by JH Thomas, the Labour Party leader, at a
Buckingham Palace garden party.
To the question "Birken'ead, what do you recommend for bad
'eadache?", the lord chancellor replied: "I'd suggest a couple of
aspirates."
+++
|
A Doctor was addressing a
large audience in Tampa ...
“The material we put into
our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG.
High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in
our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most
dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?”
|
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
+++
|
Bob, a 70-year-old,
extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly
beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's
socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm
and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are
all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob,
how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend?
She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So,
how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob
replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
|
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
+++
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through
Switzerland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in
America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
++
For old married guys only!!
I couldn't help
but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last
night.
One of the guys
says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”
His buddy says
, “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me
3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about
my age (70+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over
at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry
her. That'll put a stop to that shit."
+++
One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of
"Marketing."
Well, here it is:
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a
party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm
fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach
up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks
up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies
you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb
onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks
up to you and grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney
decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America !
+++
And the only link this month:
Click on link below. Very
different.
TTFN
