NHS news has not progressed since
my interim post on the 22/4. Although they have the authority, the order has to
be signed by the consultant, who only comes in 2 or 3 days a week. That then
has to be sent by e-mail to Finance admin to validate against the authority to
spend, and it is then passed to another admin bod who is i/c the fax machine to
send it to the upright scanning co. We have not yet achieved the last step,
partly because the consultant’s secretary does not work on Thursdays………….
For the past 4 years I have been taking diclofenac twice a day, and a baby aspirin. No-one told me of the desirability of taking a stomach protector, Omeprazole, so I have begun to develop stomach ulcers on top of all the rest! Solution, to stop taking all pain killers except a couple of paracetamol four times a day, so everything is getting uncomfortable for most of the day. After 2 weeks I can go back to the NSAID, but will need to keep taking the Omeprazole and keep an eye on the symptoms. So no dancing for the next 3 or 4 weeks.
However that has not stopped me from getting out and about. I organised the Tonbridge Investment Club dinner earlier in the month and got there, and went to Rotary for the last couple p weeks. 70th birthday party tomorrow should keep me quiet for a bit.
The grandchildren came to lunch today. Inevitably the stairlift got a lot of use – even by their mother! The little 4 year-old (I think) step grand-child that is Leon’s is now taking his A levels, and has been accepted for uni, Tempus fugit. Doesn’t make you feel much older, though – much to my surprise. He was the one who was playing solo trumpet at a jazz session on Wednesday night which, unfortunately, I could not get to.
Not much else going on, though. Lots of bridge, but mainly played at home because our friends all seem to have steep front steps with no handrail to get to the front door. Strange, that. Makes me very lazy, and depletes the stock of Chablis and Sancerre, but it does need turning over to keep it fresh.
Contributions from friends – thanks, chaps,
have included the following:
She is a very fast talker, so pay
attention to the script on left of screen....
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
SCROLL RIGHT DOWN
For some years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have
been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as "POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS"! Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English
language, that term was not in my vocabulary. My curiosity got the better of me
and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless
leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in
Independence Missouri. A unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams
that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the
actual signing of the Surrender Agreement. The contents of those four telegrams
below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow
bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute
instructions!
(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but
you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the
terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are
fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I
are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a
doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by
a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a piece of shit by the
clean end!
Now, with special thanks to my friends at the Truman
Museum and Harry, you and I finally have a full understanding of what
"POLITICAL CORRECTNESS" really means!---
***
+++++
SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR....
On
his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!
The
husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave
him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ''This is a powerful
medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform for as long as you want."
The
man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?”. "Your partner must say
'1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work
again until the next full moon."
He
was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
"1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was
excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And
that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition - because we could end up with a dangling participle…
A mechanical engineer who was unemployed for 5 years decided
to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your
ailment guaranteed at $400; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”
Doctor Ed walks by the sign and thinks this is a good
opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
The doctor says ” Sir, I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer replies “Nurse, can you please bring the medicine
from box 19 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
The doctor immediately screams “WHAT THE?!? This is
Gasoline!”
Engineer responds “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste
back. That will be $400.”
The doctor gets very annoyed and goes back after a couple of
days later to recover his money.
Doctor this time tells the engineer “I have lost my memory,
I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer again says “Nurse, please bring the medicine from
box 19 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
The doctor “But that is Gasoline!”
Engineer smiles and says “Congratulations! You’ve got your
memory back. That will be $400.”
The doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days,
more determined than ever to make his money back.
This time the doctor said “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer replied “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this.
Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $10 bill.
Doctor: “But this is $10…”
Engineer said “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back!
That will be $400.”
________________________________________________
One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he
would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With
OneStone !!!
________________________________________________
A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish…
A leading local politician
and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give
a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so
the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness
we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
“I got my first impression of
the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional
told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled
from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with
his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal
drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public
nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person
could do so many awful things… But as the days went on, I learned that my
people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of
good and loving
Just as the Priest finished
his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first
day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to
go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be
Late
A dog lover, whose dog was a
female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the
neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and
believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting
off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and
found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so
frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and
perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who
answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem
to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the
dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male
lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will
work?" she asked.
"Just worked on
me," he replied.
That’s
all, folks
