Actually August has been quite good. It started with a meeting with old friends from Cayman at the Trout at Tadpole Bridge. A good place for retired policemen, pensions experts, civil servants and bank managers to crack several bottles. Actually, lunch seems to have replaced dinner as the way to see friends. I am beginning to think it id a retrograde step, though, as dinner can be followed by port and brandy, but they both seem inappropriate during the daylight hours. I am not sure why, but it is so.
Halfway through the month the new VW had to go in to the garage as the driver's carpet had fallen apart, not what you expect from a car only 9 months old, so we had it done under the guarantee. Amazingly, to change the carpet in front of the front seats, because there is only one carpet there, you have to dismantle most of the fascia and take out both front seats, both of which are electrically operated. Quite astonishing. I once had to help in servicing an old Rolls Royce, and that was worse, though. You had tpo take the front wheels off to change the spark plugs!
Lots of swimming recently, too. I had stopped during the recent bout of cellulitis, but we are now back exercising properly, and I can still manage 1000 metres in 42 minutes. It does cost a bit, though. I use the pool at Tonbridge School, whose charges are on the same relative scale as their aschool fees!
The two elder grandchildren were packed of for three weeks to a pgl camp. These are a cross between a low level Duke of Edinburgh's Award and Butlins. In fact one of them turned out to have been a Butlins in a previous incarnation. Except that on reflection I think it was Pontins. It was on the Isle of Wight, and the only reason for mentioning it was that I had rashly undertaken to write to each of them four time a week for the three weeks. I found I ran out of things to say very rapidly, and I had to do a lot of research on various subject to make it interesting. That included the history of the places that they were staying. They moved from one camp to another by the Devil's Punchbowl, which made things a bit easier.
I am obliged to correspondents for the following, which have a worrying tendency to focus on the afterlife. Firstly, from David:
A Lady was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival,
a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering
from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance
Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Lady, 'What does the Entrance
Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Lady.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of
the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a
year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in
Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those
questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers
for me.'
So the Lady went away and gave those three questions
some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Lady
and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the
week start with the letter T?'
The Lady said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and
decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second
of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Lady replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you
arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Lady, 'there's the second of
January, the second of February, right through to the second of December,
giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Lady and said, 'I need some
time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked
away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Lady.
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final
question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the
answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The lady replied: 'Of the three questions, I found
this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the
answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Lady.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way
and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
longer, and turning to the lady, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at
THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Lady, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy
waited till his billy boiled.'
And the Lady entered Heaven.
And thanks, Barry, for this:
All arrivals in
heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination.
One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last
day of life.
The first applicant
of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home
early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out
of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was
completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look
for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the
SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began
bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was
broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was
still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to
the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the
stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him
and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant
said that his last day was his worst. "I was on theroof of an apartment
building working on the AC equipment. I stumbledover my tools and toppled off
the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment
but some lunatic came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a
flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I
looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't
help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.
He's still giggling
when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I
doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before
you."
"I don't
know" replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked, hiding in this
cedar chest....."
And from Alan:
Sharp eyed stewardess
A man and a woman are
seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eyeing
each other up,
And
Both realize they want to do the same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket,
And
She looks delighted.
Rear toilet?
He suggests.
Five minutes, she
agrees, and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in
there with her.
Right, get that
condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed
stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to,
So, she humiliates them both by making an
announcement over the radio
.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet,
.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet,
We know what you are doing,
And
It is expressly forbidden by airline
regulations.
Now, please put those
cigarettes out
And
Take the condom off the smoke detector."
That's all folks!!
