Christmas is coming - Again!

I missed November – there was so much going on, and I needed to get some work done as on the 5 December I am due in for the replacement o my artificial hip, and I shall not be back at home until December 20 at the earliest.

Much has been going on. No 1 granddaughter is in the process of applying for the sixth form at Eltham College – the third generation of Grenyers to go there if she is successful.

I managed to pick up a couple of nice commemorative mugs at auctions in the last few weeks. I am trying to build up the collection that was decimated when we lived at Orpington and were burgled three times, mainly when I was working in Cayman, but once when we were at home. It didn’t worry us too much as we were well over-insured, until after I had sold the house I got a phone call from the purchaser, asking “What is with the gun that we found in the pond in the back Garden.” I replied that it was probably an old cap pistol that belonged to the boys, but he replied that that was not the case. It was a sawn-of version of the real McCoy! Now I know that we disturbed them when we came in one time, but that was interesting…

Last month was also taken up with preparing and printing the questions and stationery for the annual Bidborough bowls club quiz, which I needed to have ready for the New year – hence the busyness . After the event I will try and upload the questions on to the blog site. So, just as an experiment, I will try and upload a quick film clip, and if you can’t find it I shall know that it does not work. Update - it failed!!

Today we picked up the Christmas tree from the farm at Bidborough that we always use. A first class 7-footer for less than 35 quid – can’t be bad!

My friend David, from Cayman came over to visit, and within a few days was admitted to Stoke-on-Trent Hospital with an infection that resulted in an amputation. It must have called for depths of character that I would certainly find difficult, but I have learned that stoicism is a useful gift, and he has it in spades! We wish him all the best, but he will be here over the New Year, I think.

Today I am finishing up with a few odds and ends, some of which come from Barry in Oz, and others from Alan and I am indebted to them both.

Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever!

 Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One

 would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole

 in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then

 moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one

 girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

 they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the

 effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do

 you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up

 again?'

 The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably

 looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl

 who plants the trees called in sick.'

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Marriage Seminar

 A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

 All the women raised their hands.

 Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" 

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

 The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

 Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

 Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.

Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

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Finally – Nursery Rhymes won’t die out if we keep them updated. However, I have the Oxford Book of Nursery Rhymes open beside me, and none of the following appear there.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall 

The structure of the wall was incorrect 

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining,

It's Pouring 

Of course...

it's Global Warming. 

Jack and Jill went into town 

To fetch some chips and sweeties. 

He can't keep his heart rate down 

And she's got diabetes. 

Mary had a little lamb 

It ran into a pylon. 

10,000 volts went up its arse

And turned its wool to nylon. 

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie 

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play 

He kissed them too ‘cos he was gay. 

Jack and Jill went up the hill 

And planned to do some kissing. 

Jack made a pass 

And grabbed her ass 

Now two of his teeth are missing. 

Mary had a little lamb 

Its fleece was white and wispy. 

Then it caught Foot and Mouth 

And now it's black and crispy.

Ta ta!

LIBRA OR SCORPIO? THIS IS ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

Well,, the operation on the hip scenario Is now almost out of my control. The latest estimated date is either the 24 or the 31 October, but that is all dependent on the hole in my ankle, caused by the scar of an old operation breaking down. I guess it is all part of anno domini. However, nil desperandum and noli cedere, and all that.

Went down to Dorset to see the grandchildren – and No. 1 son and his lovely wife – a couple of weeks ago. Very pleasant stay at some holiday cottages that we use quite a bit. Has a decent swimming pool, too, of which the grandchildren make full use.

Back into playing bridge again. Mondays with 3 other chaps, and Wednesdays at the club in Tonbridge. Also discovered the local church. Reminds me of St Albans in Cayman that I used to go to. That was in a house with a tin roof, and was pretty high church – although not as high as the one in Jersey which was full-on Anglo-catholic. The local church also has a tin roof, but it is fairly low church – if it can be classified at all. Most of the services are barely recognisable as C of E services at all. Fortunately there is no hand-waving. It is a pity that I cannot easily get to the church  at Bidborough, but it is right on top of a steep hill, and even the scooter would not make it!

Interesting item in the paper today – Peggy Sue has died. Yes! – that Peggy Sue. Apparently the Crickets were all at school together, and she was at the same school. She played the sax so did not fit into the group, but was a great friend to them all, and marries the Crickets’ drummer. That prompted them to write “Peggy Sue Got Married”.

Family law in the UK is really changing – we are out to have the equivlent of the Muslim Talaq divorce procedure, except you don’t have to turn round three times first. The proposal is the enable a party to a marriage to sue for divorce on the grounds of irretrievable breakdown of marriage, and the spouse cannot defend on the grounds that he disagrees. The facility exists at present to start an court action on line, It is also proposed to enable all cohabitants to enter into a civil partnership instead of getting married, although the effect is precisely the same. That also can be started on-line. And such relationships can also be entered into by people who have decided that they will say that they have changed sex. Throw into the pot the existing law that provides that illegitimate children now have exactly the same status as legitimate off-spring, and the long-standing provision that enables a testator’s grandchildren to inherit on the death of the testator if the son of the testator has pre-deceased him, and you may well find that a rich man’s estate being inherited, at least in part, by some rather unexpected people! Not to mention the rights of a spouse to share in the possessions of the other spouse on break-up of marriage or other partnership arrangement.

Molving on…..

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

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CAR SALESMAN'S NIGHTMARE!   

She will not buy a new car until she has worn her old one out and it is still in new condition - after all it is only 84 years old  (the car that is, oh - the  lady.....she’s101...) 

This lady’s car is a 1930 Packard. 

Take notice that in the video she lays a cloth on the running board to step onto when she gets in and out of the car.

Then after she is settled into the car, she leans way down to the running-board to get the cloth...

Click on the link below to view this beautiful car and listen to this seemingly ageless lady.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/qxCpK1W_Gjw?feature=player_embedded            

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Some Light Dublin Traffic Humour
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off."  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,

 "Did that sound cross enough?"

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An answer I can understand.....

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

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For some old British photos of period, some of which are within living memory go to www.retronaut.com

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How they did stunts before digital editing.

https://www.chonday.com/25830/ busterstunts5/

That’s all, folks.

It's September, already!

Good Morning – or whatever it is when you open this.

Delay this time was entirely deliberate. The hip op is due on the 3 October, having been put back for one reason or another. But I never got that date until today.

Otherwise the Grenyer family is tolerably well. Tennis is still being played, and beer and wine is being consumed. Stayed at Bowood, seat of the Marquess of Lansdowne, for a few days last week.

Met old friends from Cayman there – the Woods and the Richardsons. Always nice to meet friends from places that we have enjoyed living in.

Interesting to read that the Government have squeezed police finances so far that we cannot expect any but the most serious crimes to be attended to, and they are having difficulty in recruiting  to such an extent that there are vacancies that have been able to be budgeted for. More or less the same thing is happening to the armed forces, so any pretence at defence is a joke. But we still have the underwater Nuclear Deterrent.

Talking of police finances, the Inland Revenue has finally admitted that they are not prosecuting the Great and the Good when they commit offences in evading taxes, etc., because they will be embarrassed by having to appear in court, and/or if they are generous benefactors of the Conservative party. This does not seem to have caused the stink that I thought it would, and I cannot imagine why!! It seemed to bottom of page 3 stuff in the papers, though.

Heard that I may be profiled in a future edition of my school Old Boys’ Association. Not sure why there is anxiety to air any of that, and I do hope that my indiscretions are not going to be aired after all these years. Particularly as the school is about to become co-ed, and my eldest granddaughter is hoping to move there for her 6^th form education. All sorts of things might wriggle out because of that.

Enough of that. Time for some of this:

Quotes from stand-ups at Edinburgh:

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

 This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the  reverse order in which they were  composed, The 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around  the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

 Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the  music.

"I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker  says."He’s decomposing."

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A short blog this month. Enjoy what is left of September and I shall try and publish on time in October.