Anyhow, that chapter is now over, and the present regime is exercises three times a day, as much walking as you can bear, and 2 or 3 red flag actions which are strictly forbidden. Like sleeping on my right hand side (the 'good' side, which I have always preferred! And like reaching down below my knees from any position. Imagine what that means you cannot do! Sitting on low chairs is also not allowed, which makes most restaurants impossible unless you carry a big cushion everywhere. This will go on until the 15 October, when I gather that if I then try to do these things it will feel very uncomfortable. We shall see. On the same day I stop giving myself injections of blood thinners - hospitals are very fearful of DVTs.
What I have learned is that you become very dependent on your wife for all sorts of things that do not occur to ordinary mortals until the emergency arrives. Sonia has been working like a Trojan to keep the house and garden under control, as well as looking after me in a very large number of unexpected ways. I think a Big Holiday will be in order in due course.
A certain number of goodies came my way last month. Try some of the following:
Go to https://www.youtube.com/embed/eee4-d7FUis - it must have taken a lot of organising!
That's the only link - made up for by the following:
A very nice,
innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several
unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up
corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian
Outback and he has no experience with women.
They meet and
she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually
they end up getting married.
On their
wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she
returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the
room, naked.
All the
furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What
happened?" she asks.
"I've
never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
+++
You might
recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President
Reagan in 1981.
Hinckley was
absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved
Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to
assassinate President Reagan.
There is
speculation he may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.
Consequently,
you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley
some time back.
We could all
learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:
To: John
Hinckley
From: Mrs.
Nancy Reagan
My family and
I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great
strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of
understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge
against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain
could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you
will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world
again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan
& Family
P.S. While
you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a
screen door in a tornado. You might
want to look into that.
+++
One of the
new discount supermarkets has been trying out a new idea locally to aid their
market expansion.
This new
store is quite different from the usual ones that you might be familiar with.
This one has
an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass
the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh
mowed hay.
In the meat
department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you
approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread
department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cakes.
I don't buy
toilet paper there anymore.
+++
Puns for Educated Minds !
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh
deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in
his home. Details are sketchy.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but
it does have a Liverpool .
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a
Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to
Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are
the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to
brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
This girl said she recognized me
from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently
they barium.
I'm reading a book about
anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance
about puns. It was a play on words.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed
teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection
you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much
pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with
an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism
class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's
police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing
to go on.
Velcro
- what a rip off !
+++
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked
up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you
need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against
the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!”
The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife……
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't
tell me you had a prescription."
+++
DIFFERENT METHODS...
A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two
people show up.
One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous
brunette with a great body in her twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This
is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or
you're history" Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion gets
all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets
close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful,
perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every
inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her
feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing!
I've never seen anything like that in my life!" Then he turns to the old
golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly ...but you've got to get
that lion out of there first”.
+++
Subject: Marriage License Office Clerk
"Good morning. We want to
apply for a marriage license."
"Names?", said the
clerk.
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones?? Are you related?? I
see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers?? You can't get
married."
"Why not?? Aren't you giving
marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we
haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are
not gay."
"Not gay?? Then why do you
want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits,
of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other
prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage
licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal
protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a
woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man
has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight
doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim,
Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll
give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get
married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James,
Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry
whom?"
"We all want to marry each
other."
"But there are four of
you!"
"That's right. You see,
we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves
Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married
together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a
marital relationship."
"But we've only been
granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against
bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well,
the traditional idea of marriage is that
it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing
on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to
draw the line somewhere."
"Who says?? There's no
logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we
demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection
under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right.
Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage
license."
"In what names?"
"David Anderson."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry
myself."
"Marry yourself?? What do
you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says
I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can
file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it!? I quit!!?
You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"------------
...Don't laugh, it’s just a
matter of time.
That's this month's offering. Happy landings!
