Well, Happy New Year to y’all. I know there will be some
readers who live on the edge of the wet bits of England and Scotland, and we
really do hope that they will not be materially affected by the effects of the
weather. i\ suspect that if we had the amount of rain that some parts of the UK
have had, we would be flooded too, by the Medway, although we are some way from
and above its normal course. I must look for some spot heights on the OS map.
Christmas was at home with No. 1 son and family. They ended
up moving from Derbyshire to Dorset on the 22 December! So we collected the
grandchildren from Derbyshire the previous weekend, and they stayed with us
until after Christmas when they were taken to their new home. I expected them
to be all stirred up, but they seemed to take it like lambs. Might be different
when they go to their new school. They have moved to a listed house in the
centre of Sherborne, with no parking space, and a double yellow line on the
road outside. The sort of circumstances where I would probably not remember
where I left it after coming home the previous evening!
Other than that, December was pretty quiet, apart from the
various shopping trips that were required. I had the pleasure of switching bank
accounts, which is nearly as complex as moving house. They say that they look
after all the standing orders and direct debits, but they never undertake to
tell the important people – such as those who make regular payments of pension,
salary, and such like to you. That is left to you. And as many of those are
government organisations, in our case, well, we shall see………
It also involves closing the credit card accounts and
opening new ones, and I wonder what that might have done to my credit rating.
Correspondence has been reasonable in December, and I offer
the following, some old and some new
The
recession has hit everyone really hard...
My
neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives
are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's
are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil
laid off 25 Congressmen.
A
stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while
she danced.
I
saw a Muslim with only one wife.
If
the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's
is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina
Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents
in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My
cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed
her!
A
truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A
picture is now only worth 200 words.
The
Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And,
finally...
I
was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings,
Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a
call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all
excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
+++
“Why are you here to see the
doctor”? asked the nurse to the man in the examination room.
“I’ll tell you, but I don’t want you
to laugh”, said Bob.
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the
Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never
laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said Bob, and he
proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse
had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost
identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse
tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at
the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had
laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said , “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a
Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the
problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
+++
An old geezer
became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a
sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for
$500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't
know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get
$1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you
please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3
drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will
be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have
lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please
bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr.
Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That
will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see
anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "
Here's your $1,000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!
; That will be $500.
" Moral
of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you
can outsmart an "old Geezer"
+++
4 Worms In Church and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
+++
Way too close
for comfort! – But very seasonal…
+++
This is an actual recall from one of our Cayman lawyers,
J.W. Masters, otherwise known as "Croc". Australian.
The
Floor is still wet
Culture
is a funny thing. Men in the Caribbean whilst head of the family, are largely
compliant when directed to do something by their women. Some women should
simply not be crossed (see am dat your car) and I have had to give advice about
some interesting crimes involving domestic violence. 4
In
October both the Commissioner and I were in a meeting in his office and he had
his radio monitor switched on. This is a most effective means of getting
first-hand what is going on and man do you hear some funny and amazing things.
Anyhow, the Commissioner says to me: “John,
I hope that you don’t mind but we have a domestic where injuries are suspected
and I wouldn’t mind listening in for a while.”
The story
is that police get called to an address where shouting has been reported, it is
suspected to be a domestic, police attend the scene and discover a man lying on
the front lawn clearly deceased and his wife sitting at the kitchen table with
the knife close beside her. This is where I start listening to the conversation
(all identities are protected).
Inspector
at radio base: “What
is the situation?”
Constable: “The
woman was cleaning house and told her husband not to walk on the wet floor and
he ignored her so she took a big kitchen knife and stab him in the chest. He
then walk outside and fall dead in the front garden.”
Inspector:
“Where is
the woman?”
Constable:
“She is in
the kitchen”.
Inspector:
“Have you
arrested her?”
Constable:
“No, sir.”
Inspector:
“Why not?”
Constable:
(silent pause) -
“Because the floor is still
wet.”
+++
+++
Huge Bear
surprises Ecobubble on photoshoot
Go to
for a really Happy New Year!
+++
Yesterday, I went over to
the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay
for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing
me."
Making a mental note to
complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as
she had instructed.
When the hysterical
shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I
should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop
elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their
instructions to seniors a little clearer. Besides, I don't think I looked that
bad...
+++
A WELL-KNOWN IRISH GHOST STORY
John Bradford, a Dublin University
student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in
the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car
went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of
him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it
stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to realise
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving again slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he
started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve,
a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John,
paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but it
never touched nor harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the
lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of
the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and
started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when
everybody realised he was crying...and he wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two
other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were
also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing
at the bar, one said to the other:
"Look Paddy...there's that
feckin’ eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
+++
A SCOTTISH LOVE-STORY...
A young Scottish lad and lass were
sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'.
Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once
again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke
again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps
it's noo aboot time for a we cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed, and the two turned
once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said,
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps
it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand
and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze
out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a
furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit
more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a
whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad,
nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began
to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye no' think
it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”
+++
STRESS…
You pick up a hitchhiker: a beautiful girl.
Suddenly, she
faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the
hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be
a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the
girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are
not the father.
After the tests are
completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have
been since birth. By now you're
extremely stressed but yet relieved.
On your way back to
your house, you're thinking about *your* 5 kids at home….
We are
reaching the end of this post. Have a really good, healthy and happy New Year.
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