Not a lot of news this month – partly because
I was going to get intravenous injections of antibiotics for the first 14 days
of January – and this was closely followed by Sonia getting a double dose of
the flu that is currently going round – in spite of having all the recommended
jabs. Still, I learnt a lot about cooking, because there was all this raw food
in the fridge, and someone had to do it! Including roasting a chicken and one
or two other things that I had never ventured to cook. All great fun and
strangely it all seemed to work. And then various friends said that it was
difficult to get things wrong if you followed the instructions n the packet,
which is very true.7
Brexit has [roduced some excellent jokes and
skits, but try the following to the tune from Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of
Penzance:
Here’s a first-rate opportunity
To reject Europe’s community
And indulge in the felicity
Of a break from synchronicity.
We shall quickly all be Brexified,
Monetary gains unspecified –
Though it looks like asininity
We’ll defend it to infinity.
With acknowledgements to Patrick Kidd, reporter extraordinaire for the Times
The Times has also been running, probably to
Sonia’s annoyance, although I do njot know if she reads things in the depths of
the paper, a series of reported teachers’ comments on school reports. I
particularly liked “Works hard at the subjects that he likes – needs to increase
the number of subjects he likes”.
Good news today, though – old and valued
friends from Cayman are to visit in May, and we look forward to seeing Chris
and, hopefully, his lovely wife.
And plans are in hand to book holidays in
Devon this year, and canada next year.All very ambitious.
And that’s about all for this month – apart from
the odds anends that follow.. Very short but it was not very long since the
last post. Have a Good One.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing
millions.
White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as the UK's third language.
Children from two-parent, married,
heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance
urged.
Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not
wearing a burqa.
Japan announces that they will no longer
consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet
are unemployed.
UK Government tells the Japanese that grey
squirrels taste like whale meat.
Britain now has ten universities of Political
Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still
a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising.
Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of
time.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims
increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at
least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being
taken over by Islamic Countries. No one responds.
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run
for second term as US President in 2052.
Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study
commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key
to weight loss.
Average weight of a British male drops to 18
stone.
Japanese scientists have created a camera
with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth
shut.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals
violates their civil and human rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for
crime.
Average height of professional basketball
players is now nine feet seven inches.
New law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by
January 2035 as lethal weapons.
Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in
decades at 75 per cent.
Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu
Hornets 4-1.
+++
No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, you should enjoy
this!
Judy Wallman Trump, a professional genealogical researcher in
southern California, was doing
some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that President
Donald Trump's great-great-uncle, Remus Trump, was hanged for horse stealing
and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and
President Trump share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the
gallows in Montana territory. On the back of the picture Judy
obtained during her research is this inscription: “Remus Trump, horse thief,
sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer
six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”
So Judy recently e-mailed the President for information about
their great-great-uncle, Remus.
Believe it or not, President Trump's staff sent back the
following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
“Remus
Trump was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to
include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with
the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his
life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with
the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an
important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was
standing collapsed.”
Now THAT is how it's done, Folks! That's
"TRUE POLITICAL SPIN"! But actually it is fake news – it has been
around since I was In Cayman and has been applied to a number of different –
and indifferent – politicians. Anyway it’s a bit of fun to re-read it.
+++
Things that go through your mind when you can't fall
asleep.
* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have
any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are
successful.
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is
unplanned?
* What if my dog only brings back my ball
because he thinks I like throwing it?
* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or
is it no longer poisonous?
* Which letter is silent in the word
"Scent," the S or the C?
* Why is the letter W, in English, called double
U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It
just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
* Every time you clean something, you just
make something else dirty
- The word "swims" upside-down is
still "swims".
- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper,
scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and
only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
- Your future self is watching you right now
through memories.
- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he
had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
- If you replace "W" with
"T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each
of them.
- Many animals probably need glasses, but
nobody knows it.
- If you rip a hole in a net, there are
actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just
call it "2's Day".(Actually it will fall on a Tuesday!)
