The Goose is Getting Fat!

And not just the goose. Everything seems to be in equilibrium. Always a wrong thing to say. However the weather has been atrocious, and the allotment has suffered, although I have managed to take down the bean sticks and to burn the first of two lots of raspberry canes. But since the rain has stopped the frost has arrived. Off to Town today for an office reunion - friends from the old pre-Cayman days. None of us getting younger, but nice to to to London, and have a look round old haunts. Village panto tonight - not to be missed, much better value for money than the Assembly Halls one that is to come, with the grandchildren.

Found a decent second hand book shop in Tonbridge and managed to bey a Greek lexicon for a reasonable price. I have wanted one for years, but they seem like snow in summer - very rare and never still there when you think you have found one.

Not done a lot else - organised the Rotary Christmas party, but they are a funny lot - less than half the members came, although they have known about it for months. Some of them take a delight in wilfully not going to these things, and keeping it from the organiser until the last moment. However all those who went seemed to be satisfied customers. But I shall not be doing it again.

Now we are getting ready for Christmas. No. 1 son is coming down to stay with us after Christmas, but will probably be spending much of his visit with his in-laws, but we shall be seeing them before as we are going to Derbyshire very soon for a bit. Looking forward to that. And Christmas Day will be spent with No. 2 son in Dulwich - always a good time, and this is where the goose comes in as he has decided that he wants a goose and a joint of beef for Christmas lunch, rather than a turkey. And as he does the catering, that is what we shall have. The down side is that he does not like Christmas pudding.

Finally I had the following via e-mail, and I am grateful to the sender.

Have a good Christmas.

Clive & Sonia

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time he wants.
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £7.00!!!   Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
 
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 
I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
 
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning: can you believe that?  At 2:30am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

”Don’t do it!" says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
 
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
 
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London :

Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
 
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
 
Local Police, hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the ass in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday - but it went off before I could eat it!
 

Just got back from my mate's funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 Paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

 

Tada!!

Ups and Downs

We were doing all right until last week, when the back and the cellulitis both decided to recur at the same time, but mega doses of antibiotics and several hours of lying in bed reading %) Years of Private Eye has dealt with most of it.

This month was the trip across the North Sea, from Harwich (great hotel restaurant on the front) to Esbjerg. Left at 5 pm and arrived at noon the next day. Good crossing in a rather decent cabin. The to Kolding, where we stayed in a somewhat pretentious hotel, so big that the block of rooms in which we were placed was 10 yards from the main building, where the restaurants were. Could have been nasty if it rained - there were umbrellas all over the place! The evening meal menu was a 9 course dinner - but you could choose only three and they would adjust the size of the portions. When we came to look at it, there was nothing that either of us would choose, so we decamped to the coffee shop for a salad, but insisted on taking the wine list with us, which I suspect caused accounting difficulties.

The next day we travelled east over a couple of bridges on to the islands of which Denmark substantially consists, and then turned south to arrive in Lolland (look it up) and stayed at a hotel in Maribo. We were in a room overlooking the lake and the hotel was just right. Driving on the minor roads in Denmark is like going to Constable country when he was painting - all half-timbered cottages with thatched roofs with moss growing on them. Very picturesque. Then south by ferry to Schleswig-Holstein, driving south through the state until we reached Reinbek, where we stayed with Gunter and Traute, two friends we met when we were in Cayman. 3 days with them - the best part was a trip to Lubeck which was picturesque and educational, and then to Cologne, where Sonia went shopping with a credit card and I spent most of the day in the cathedral. Easy to do - it is huge and interesting. Then to Calais, where P & O tried to get us to pay 76 Euros to get on a ferry earlier than the one we had booked, but we told them we would rather spend the money in Auchan buying the weekend shopping than give it to them for doing nothing and letting us get on a half-empty ferry.

Otherwise a good month, although the allotment is suffering from neglect. Must do better!

Christmas is now approaching - there has been a Christmas tree outside the Rose and Crown in Tonbridge since the end of September. Crazy.

Finally, out of the Ark:

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.' 

Keep trying!

October

Autumn - the allotment is winding down, and there is much to be done clearing out the accumulated weeds and getting new fruit bushes into the ground, thereby limiting further the amount of the proper digging. Hopefully all it will need doing is hoeing, which is easier on the back. Probably won't work out like that, though!

Last month was Sicily - which was excellent. We stayed at a hotel in Catania which had a very large outdoor pool, which was just right. We did not hire a car, and travelled by buis, train and taxi - thereby saving a lot of money. And saw bit of the country that others would not find. There is a tourist train that goes round Etna, - a proper train not one of the little street trains that you get in resorts. The trip takes several hours, and is fascinating. And by bus to Taormina, which is perched on top of an outcrop of rock, and is worth staying at for a few days.

Also to Antigua for a few days. Very pleasant. I learnt that the government have selected consultants to help them re-write the laws in Antigua relating to on-line gambling. The consultants are Catania & Co!

We are off shortly  to Denmark, Germany, Belgium and France. We shall look in on our old friends from Cayman, Gunter and Traute Backer, who now live in Hamburg. The trip starts with a ferry from Harwich to Esbjerg. Not sure about the North Sea in October. Watch this space! And then, later to Lille for the Rotary District Conference. Why Lille? Goodness knows. There are plenty of decent resorts in our own District.

And finally:

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

 
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

 
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

  
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

  
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and  a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
   
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
 Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
 Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

 

  After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

 All the best.

Holiday Time!

The last month was August, when all parents of school age children have to go on holiday and pay the extortionate prices that hotels and airlines charge specially for that period.

For us, we do things differently. Over the years we have had rashes of engagements, weddings, christenings, children's weddings, births of grandchildren, and now we have reached the age of 70th birthday parties. Three in August! A good do at the Brick Wall at Sedlescombe, which was sufficiently close to home for us not to stay the night, and an equally good one at Rhinefield House in the depths of the New Forest. Fantastic location, but involved two overnights - one at the Haven Hotel at Sandbanks, which required another bank loan, and then at Rhinefield House, which was very pleasant. The third one was a tea party at a local vicarage, given by the daughter of a Rotary friend who is herself the vicar. Not so much debauchery on that occasion.

Met old Cayman friends at the Trout at Tadpole Bridge in Oxfordshire later in the month. Tony and Jenny Grey, Dick and Jan Richardson, and Alex and Jill Wood. We seemed to drink a lot of wine, but it was a hot day, so it was only rosé, and all the nicer for that. It has taken some time to work out how to include a "é" in this piece of text, by the way. The following day we made a mistake, and bought tickets for a live Acker Bilk concert. Past his sell-by date, I am afraid. The Humphrey Lyttelton band the following Saturday was much better. Humph died a while ago, but the band lives on, and has never been afraid to include new talent, and the performance was excellent. 

If you want to see Shakespeare well done, get to a performance by the Lord Chamberlain's Men - a travelling group who do it very well indeed. Macbeth is currently on offer, usually for one or two nights only at each venue. The programme had an interesting comparison between the politics and methods of the ruler in 16th century Scotland, and those of modern Syria.

Healthwise all was quiet last month, although I collected the monthly supply of tablets to keep the cholesterol and blood pressure under control, and the doctor had unannounced included a kit for monitoring blood sugar levels. I am not sure that it was meant for me, but I have an uneasy feeling that it was....

Finally:

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,

"Look, It's not the same hat!", or,

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!", or,

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?".

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day, then 2 days, and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....

"OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?".

Have a good one.