Happy New Year

Well, here we are in 2012. There will follow a month of initialled alterations in cheques as we get used to the fact that the year has changed. Here in UK today there have been humungous gales and really penetrating rain. I have managed to get the raspberries pruned over the Christmas break, partly because a generous lady at the bridge club on the Monday before Christmas arrived with a really bad cough and cold, coughed all over us for three hands and then moved on to each table in turn distributing her largesse. I went down with it first, and Sonia followed, so we ended up not going anywhere on New Year's Eve, after which I felt much better and blew away the cobwebs doing the pruning. Then on the following day to Whitstable where I had some of the best oysters you can get anywhere in the world, washed down with a bottle of muscadet. From all of which you may gather that I have more or less recovered.

It has not been a good year for jokes, but the best two are as follows:


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Too dear, I thought: I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .
Because of the factory product, casualties were just 3.1415927 dead

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No - dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

I was driving this morning when I saw an Automobile Association van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself: ‘That guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair, the audience did try to warn him!....

****

Dating in 1957

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The damned dance is called the Twist!

***

And that just about sums it up. Happy New year to you all, and may it be healthy and prosperous for us all.