And that is a new trick that I have learnt. Must publish some more piccys some time!
Since we have got back life has become much busier. Firstly, I am seriously back swimming - back up to 1000 metres a day, but only for or 4 days a week. Secondly, I have started gardening again - I have found that digging is not as difficult as I thought it would be - even with a back problem. And I have been getting up to London by train again, and enjoying the freedom that a New hip has provided. Mind you, I now have so much metal inside me that I set off the alarms at luggage clearance in both Heathrow and Larnaca airports. When that happens they almost strip you doing a body search.
No. 1 son has settled into his new house at Sherborne, and his new job at Crewkerne. The kids are happy at school, and his wife is not working, although I suspect that she will look for a job some time, as she is a nurse, and can probably find work at a decent rate if she really wants to. No 2 son has also settled into his new house in Dulwich, and, because his dog had to be put down, he has a new challenge - a rescue dog that seems to be a cross between a golden retriever and a poodle. It rejoices under the name of a golden doodle......
I have, as usual, put together a collection of the better repeatable e-mails since the last post - it looks like this, but the prize goes to the Budapest air show clip!
In
this video Volkswagen shows how to safely back a trailer through traffic.
+++
An old gentleman lived
alone.
He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter
to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad
because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm
just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my
troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like
the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he
received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next
morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies.
They apologised to the old
man and left.
That same day the old man
received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the
tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
The
Motto is: “Never give up someone is
always listening”
+++
European
Road Rally. This puts NASCAR, NHRA and F1 to shame
for excitement.
Click
here, but fasten your seat belt first:
+++
Note to self: Be
sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February and March
A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February and March
for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is
somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
Royal Bank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Royal Bank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Royal Bank PAC:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Royal Bank:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?'
Royal Bank:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
Royal Bank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Royal Bank:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
Royal Bank:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
After they get the fax:
Royal Bank:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her. I don't think she will care.'
Royal Bank :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
Royal Bank:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'
Royal Bank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'Well, what the F..k do you do with dead people on your planet?'
A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
Royal Bank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Royal Bank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Royal Bank PAC:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Royal Bank:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?'
Royal Bank:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
Royal Bank:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Royal Bank:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
Royal Bank:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
After they get the fax:
Royal Bank:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her. I don't think she will care.'
Royal Bank :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
Royal Bank:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'
Royal Bank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'Well, what the F..k do you do with dead people on your planet?'
+++
For those who love the philosophy of
ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... Floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's
the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in
it?
Why are haemorrhoid's called "haemorrhoid's" instead of
"assteroids"?
Why is there an expiry date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he
become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
Why do shops have signs,
'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?
+++
A POEM TO WHICH I CAN
RELATE
I remember the corned beef of my childhood
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the children helped with the housework
And the men went to work not the wife.
The cheese never needed a fridge
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The children were seldom unhappy
And the wife was content with her lot.
I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven
And not from a freezer or shop.
And not from a freezer or shop.
The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.
I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold,
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it, I'm just getting Old?
Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds,
But the ironing seemed never ending
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.
I remember the slap on my backside
And the taste of soap if I swore,
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
And we hadn't much choice what we wore.
Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.
Author, Unknown.
+++
The
only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward," they said ,"When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward," they said ,"When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The
Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you
by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wales "
+++
Two men were discussing popular family trends on
sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before
we got married, did you?"
Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her
maiden name?"
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have
got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
___________________________________________
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give
your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honour," the
husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks
myself."
___________________________________________
A doctor examining
a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at
all."
"Me
neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with
the kids."
___________________________________________
An old man
goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been
living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard
says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
used to put the curse on you."
The old
man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck
Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
_________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can
you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City
?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs
up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective
replied.
"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in
Juan."
___________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in
religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't
believe in Hell."
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical
Nurse
appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I’m O. K. But I didn't like the four
letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
_________________________________________
The
graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more
thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little
old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++
No doubt the
FAA would never allow an air show like this in the United States. And Shoreham
demonstrated why not.
Otherwise, great views of a beautiful city, Budapest!
Otherwise, great views of a beautiful city, Budapest!
+++
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet
or legs.
The chap says aloud, "Golly,
I wonder what happened to this
parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."
"Holy shit," the man
replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot
"I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird''
"Oh yeah?" the man asks,
"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any
feet?"
"Well," says the parrot "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy.
"You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I also speak Spanish and I can converse with reasonable
competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the £200 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot,
"I'm defective so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have
any feet.
You can probably get me for £20, just make the shop owner an
offer!"
The man offers £20 – its accepted and he walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathises and he has great foresight.
The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him
over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black
nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says
incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came
into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims.
"And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued
taking off the nightie, got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over..."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
+++
A young law student, having failed his
Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor,
who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind .
Student:
"Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor:
"Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would
I?"
Student:
"OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct
answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct
answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor:
"Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student:
"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither
logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't
crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's
failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away,
very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the
question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he
calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a
really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not
logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all
the students immediately raise
their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his
favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student
"You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman,
which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover,
which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam
but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal,
nor logical."
***********************************************
THE TALKING DOG!...
>
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/xU7FdD1SpHc?rel=0
>
+++
1950 IndyCar Pit Stop vs. 2013 Formula 1 Change
Even if you're not a car fan, this comparison is really amazing…
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=47217
http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=47217
+++
BLOND MEN ! ! ! (SENT
TO ME BY A FEMINIST FRIEND)
(Well,
I guess it just had to come to this sooner or later!)
A blond
man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
---------------------------------
A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
---------------------------------
A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To
which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the
boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two
blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
+++
Have a really good April.
