Last month was "Interesting Times"

And so it was. I left you as I was heading to the operating table. And the next think I knew was that I had woken up, so I asked "Has it all been done?" - and it had. Apparently one of the results of the spinal ops that I had a few years ago is a lot of scar tissue, and the anaesthetist had bee unable to get the spinal injection in, so I got the whole works - a general anaesthetic. And it was just as well, as I lost 2.5 litres of blood in the process of the op. And then I understand there was a degree of panic, as they had ordered a couple of units if blood to match my own, but no-one had noticed that it had not turned up! Well, they always have a couple of units in the emergency reserve and this is a 'universal' type - O rhesus negative - which can be put into anyone. And it just so happened that my blood type is O neg too. But I needed 6 units, which in due course arrived. and was pumped in, until my body rebelled and said "Enough of this" The outcome is that I have been severely anaemic, and the 2-3 night stay in hospital stretched to be 8. Which was a lot easier for me and for Sonia, although she spent a lot on petrol driving to visit. It takes about 6 weeks to recover from that level of anaemia. The treatment is iron pills and Guinness, although I have  found it easier to get the pills rather than the Guinness.

Anyhow, that chapter is now over, and the present regime is exercises three times a day, as much walking as you can bear, and 2 or 3 red flag actions which are strictly forbidden. Like sleeping on my right hand side (the 'good' side, which I have always preferred! And like reaching down below my knees from any position. Imagine what that means you cannot do! Sitting on low chairs is also not allowed, which makes most restaurants impossible unless you carry a big cushion everywhere. This will go on until the 15 October, when I gather that if I then try to do these things it will feel very uncomfortable. We shall see. On the same day I stop giving myself injections of blood thinners - hospitals are very fearful of DVTs.

What I have learned is that you become very dependent on your wife for all sorts of things that do not occur to ordinary mortals until the emergency arrives. Sonia has been working like a Trojan to keep the house and garden under control, as well as looking after me in a very large number of unexpected ways. I think a Big Holiday will be in order in due course.

A certain number of goodies came my way last month. Try some of the following:

Go to https://www.youtube.com/embed/eee4-d7FUis - it must have taken a lot of organising!

That's the only link - made up for by the following:

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.

They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.

Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.

All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

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You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation he may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley some time back.

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

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One of the new discount supermarkets has been trying out a new idea locally to aid their market expansion.

This new store is quite different from the usual ones that you might be familiar with.

This one has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

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Puns for Educated Minds !

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

 Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

 They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

Velcro - what a rip off !          

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,  and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her  husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife……

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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DIFFERENT METHODS...

A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.

One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history" Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly ...but you've got to get that lion out of there first”.

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Subject: Marriage License Office Clerk

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?", said the clerk.

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that

it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Anderson."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"------------

...Don't laugh, it’s just a matter of time.

That's this month's offering. Happy landings!

September's blog - a day early!

Life is about to get a bit more complex so I thought I would get this done and away while I was still compos mentis. The op is on the 3rd, and tomorrow there is a blood test to be done and a final instruction about what is to happen next. The performance itself is done under a local anaesthetic - well, a spinal injection like an epidural - so you are conscious throughout the procedure. The anaesthetist will convert it to a full anaesthetic if he thinks it necessary, but most people apparently do not need this, and I am happy with that. Apparently you get the medical equivalent of a large G & T as well - some sort of happy drug that I have had before which renders you dopey and comatose. I am a bit doubtful about the noise of the power tools and the hammering that will go on, but it cannot be too bad. They want to chuck me out after 3 nights.

After all of that there will be a period of 6 weeks when I have to sit with my hips higher than my knees and must not cross my legs, which is all bearable, and when I have to sleep only on my back, which is going to be something else. I shall need to be sandbagged into position, I should think, but it has to be done.

The chap who is doing the op is a Sri Lankan surgeon who apparently has done more than 700 hips in the last 3 years, with a higher than average success rate. You can work out his likely earnings!

Last month has been a bit quiet, although Leon has exchanged contracts on his sale and purchase, which will enable him to clear his mortgage, buy a new house mortgage-free, and still have enough to do the essential repairs, alterations and additions, as well as to add to his retirement fund. Strange to hear your children thinking about such things! Neil has been appointed a director of Lawrences, auctioneers at Crewkerne, which means he is selling up in Derbyshire and moving to Dorset. So everything is changing.

Apart from that, nothing much has happened since the last post, mainly because I have been careful not to damage my chances of getting on to the table on the 3/9. We have been baby-sitting in Derbyshire for 4 days, staying at the Hilton at E Midlands airport for £56 per night B & B which was too good an offer to turn down, specially as we had a 15 metre pool for the kids to play in free of charge. And we have been for a look round Sherborne which is where Neil hopes to be living.

FROM THE SUFFOLK GAZETTE

Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl

Exclusive By Hugh Dunnett - Crime Reporter

Police were called after a mass brawl broke out in a pub car park between a group of Morris dancers and a blind football team.

The footballers were enjoying a match on the village green at Rattlesden, near Stowmarket, using a ball with a bell in it so they could keep up with play.

But all hell broke out when the Morris dancers began performing at a nearby pub.

A player kicked the ball off the pitch towards the Brewers Arms, and then mistook the Morris dancers’ uniform bells for the one in the ball.

He promptly kicked one of the dancers in the shin, sending him flying over a table and crashing into a flower pot. A hanging basket then fell on his head.

More blind footballers then joined the melee, kicking out at the bells and then being surprised when they were punched by furious Morris men.

The brawl was only stopped when the referee caught up and blew his whistle loudly.

Three Morris men suffered severely bruised legs, while one of the footballers had a cut caused by being hit on the head with a Morris dancer’s stick.

With everyone blaming each other, the police were called to sort out the mess.

A Suffolk police spokesman said: “It was certainly an unusual call from one of the locals in the pub. By the time we got there it had all calmed down, and both sides realised how the mistake had been made.

“In fact they had made up and were all enjoying a drink together, although a couple were still being patched up by the landlord’s wife.

“We took no further action, but recommended that the Morris men did not use bells on their uniforms when the blind footballers were playing nearby.”

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On the first day, God created the dog, and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey, and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow, and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." 

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans, and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

++

It all happens in the deep South

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi 

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy,

“Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tyre, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back; I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee 

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Texas 

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don’t you see that sign right over your head?”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South , but y’all never heard o’nobody retirin’ an’ movin’North .

+++

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago." 

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Now, you know I now am the proud owner of a mobility scooter! See this!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-isle-of-man-29109713

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See How Donald Trump Travels !

https://www.youtube.com/embed/UZq3iCn2y74?rel=0

Input has been a bit thin this month, so watch this space in future. Have a good one.

PROGRESS

At last we have got somewhere. After many months of faffing about looking for the cause of my back trouble, they have discovered that in fact there is nothing wrong with it, but that I have a completely collapsed left hip joint caused by osteonecrosis q.v. It is acute and I have an appointment for a total hip replacement on the 3 September. So it is good and bad news. I really did not want a third back op, as it would have required stainless steel pins and screws. And a hip replacement has a much higher success rate. But it would have been nice it if had just been something that only required a course of drugs, but no such luck.

July, otherwise has had some different developments. I have retired as a trustee of the Law Society's Charity after a number of years. It was becoming impossible for me to get to the meetings because of the back/hip probs, and anyway, trustees should not try and go on for ever. But it has been a good period, and hopefuly a few people have benefited.

Sonia has been very active - Wimbledon, High Society in a London theatre, and a night sleeping in Chessington Zoo. Actually in a hotel that forms part of the Zoo complex, accompanying a grand-daughter who wanted to be a zoo keeper for a day for her birthday.

Finally a trip to Stratford on Avon to see the Merchant of Venice for our wedding anniversary. We stay at the Holiday Inn, and it is where the mobility chariot comes into its own as we can take it with us in the boot of the car, and use it for looking round the town, going from the hotel to the theatre, and generally getting about to places we would not have been able to visit. Such as the National Heritage Motor Centre - go to www.heritage-motor-centre.co.uk for more details, and do not miss it if in the area. Also theNational Herb Centre - go to www.herbcentre.co.uk where there were more bees and butterflies to the square yard than I have seen for years.

The postman has called with the following messages:

Climbing Mount Everest

It’s almost like being there (well, not quite - but it gives you an idea of the climb).

At the top you can view the 360 degree view from the summit - move the mouse around.

Go to:http://everestavalanchetragedy.com/mt-everest-journey.html

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 A woman was at her hairdressers with her husband, getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome....

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?   It's crowded and dirty.

You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"   

"We're taking United Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"    

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.."That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always  late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"  

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on  Rome's Tiber River called Teste."  

"Don't go any further... I know that place.  Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

The woman continued "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a  million other people trying to see him. He'll look  the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a  hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip  to Rome . 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not  only were we on time in one of United's brand  new planes, but it was overbooked, and they  bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine  was wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old  steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a  $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.  

They, too, were  overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their  owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well  and good, but I know you didn't get to see the  Pope."  

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we  toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on  the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to  meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as  to step into his private room and wait, the Pope  would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."  

"Oh, really!  What did he say?"    

He said: "Who the f**k did your hair ?" 

 

+++

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’...............

As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
 Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life. 
 What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U. 
 Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like its cheques.

My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.

+++

Blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had some money left over. So now we're going to Sea World.”

To see a brilliant race go to

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Y2HKBQMQmbw#t=116

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To see how gravity works, go to  http://gfycat.com/ZestyImportantBluefish

Not only does the plane loop, but so does the film clip – it can take several minutes to realise this….

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That's probably enough for now. Keep them coming, and I will try and do some exploring on my own.