Last month was "Interesting Times"

And so it was. I left you as I was heading to the operating table. And the next think I knew was that I had woken up, so I asked "Has it all been done?" - and it had. Apparently one of the results of the spinal ops that I had a few years ago is a lot of scar tissue, and the anaesthetist had bee unable to get the spinal injection in, so I got the whole works - a general anaesthetic. And it was just as well, as I lost 2.5 litres of blood in the process of the op. And then I understand there was a degree of panic, as they had ordered a couple of units if blood to match my own, but no-one had noticed that it had not turned up! Well, they always have a couple of units in the emergency reserve and this is a 'universal' type - O rhesus negative - which can be put into anyone. And it just so happened that my blood type is O neg too. But I needed 6 units, which in due course arrived. and was pumped in, until my body rebelled and said "Enough of this" The outcome is that I have been severely anaemic, and the 2-3 night stay in hospital stretched to be 8. Which was a lot easier for me and for Sonia, although she spent a lot on petrol driving to visit. It takes about 6 weeks to recover from that level of anaemia. The treatment is iron pills and Guinness, although I have  found it easier to get the pills rather than the Guinness.

Anyhow, that chapter is now over, and the present regime is exercises three times a day, as much walking as you can bear, and 2 or 3 red flag actions which are strictly forbidden. Like sleeping on my right hand side (the 'good' side, which I have always preferred! And like reaching down below my knees from any position. Imagine what that means you cannot do! Sitting on low chairs is also not allowed, which makes most restaurants impossible unless you carry a big cushion everywhere. This will go on until the 15 October, when I gather that if I then try to do these things it will feel very uncomfortable. We shall see. On the same day I stop giving myself injections of blood thinners - hospitals are very fearful of DVTs.

What I have learned is that you become very dependent on your wife for all sorts of things that do not occur to ordinary mortals until the emergency arrives. Sonia has been working like a Trojan to keep the house and garden under control, as well as looking after me in a very large number of unexpected ways. I think a Big Holiday will be in order in due course.

A certain number of goodies came my way last month. Try some of the following:

Go to https://www.youtube.com/embed/eee4-d7FUis - it must have taken a lot of organising!

That's the only link - made up for by the following:

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.

They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.

Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.

All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

+++

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in 1981.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

There is speculation he may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley some time back.

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:

To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

+++

One of the new discount supermarkets has been trying out a new idea locally to aid their market expansion.

This new store is quite different from the usual ones that you might be familiar with.

This one has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

+++

Puns for Educated Minds !

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

 Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

 They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

Velcro - what a rip off !          

+++

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,  and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her  husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife……

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

+++

DIFFERENT METHODS...

A circus owner runs an ad for a "lion tamer wanted" and two people show up.

One is an old golfer in his seventies, the other a drop-dead gorgeous brunette with a great body in her twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history" Here's your equipment… a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion gets all heated up, starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat, revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" Then he turns to the old golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies… "Possibly ...but you've got to get that lion out of there first”.

+++

Subject: Marriage License Office Clerk

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?", said the clerk.

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that

it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Anderson."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"------------

...Don't laugh, it’s just a matter of time.

That's this month's offering. Happy landings!