Christmas is coming - Again!

I missed November – there was so much going on, and I needed to get some work done as on the 5 December I am due in for the replacement o my artificial hip, and I shall not be back at home until December 20 at the earliest.

Much has been going on. No 1 granddaughter is in the process of applying for the sixth form at Eltham College – the third generation of Grenyers to go there if she is successful.

I managed to pick up a couple of nice commemorative mugs at auctions in the last few weeks. I am trying to build up the collection that was decimated when we lived at Orpington and were burgled three times, mainly when I was working in Cayman, but once when we were at home. It didn’t worry us too much as we were well over-insured, until after I had sold the house I got a phone call from the purchaser, asking “What is with the gun that we found in the pond in the back Garden.” I replied that it was probably an old cap pistol that belonged to the boys, but he replied that that was not the case. It was a sawn-of version of the real McCoy! Now I know that we disturbed them when we came in one time, but that was interesting…

Last month was also taken up with preparing and printing the questions and stationery for the annual Bidborough bowls club quiz, which I needed to have ready for the New year – hence the busyness . After the event I will try and upload the questions on to the blog site. So, just as an experiment, I will try and upload a quick film clip, and if you can’t find it I shall know that it does not work. Update - it failed!!

Today we picked up the Christmas tree from the farm at Bidborough that we always use. A first class 7-footer for less than 35 quid – can’t be bad!

My friend David, from Cayman came over to visit, and within a few days was admitted to Stoke-on-Trent Hospital with an infection that resulted in an amputation. It must have called for depths of character that I would certainly find difficult, but I have learned that stoicism is a useful gift, and he has it in spades! We wish him all the best, but he will be here over the New Year, I think.

Today I am finishing up with a few odds and ends, some of which come from Barry in Oz, and others from Alan and I am indebted to them both.

Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever!

 Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One

 would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole

 in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then

 moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one

 girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

 they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the

 effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do

 you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up

 again?'

 The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably

 looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl

 who plants the trees called in sick.'

+++

Marriage Seminar

 A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

 All the women raised their hands.

 Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" 

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

 The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

 Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

 Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.

Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

+++

Finally – Nursery Rhymes won’t die out if we keep them updated. However, I have the Oxford Book of Nursery Rhymes open beside me, and none of the following appear there.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall 

The structure of the wall was incorrect 

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining,

It's Pouring 

Of course...

it's Global Warming. 

Jack and Jill went into town 

To fetch some chips and sweeties. 

He can't keep his heart rate down 

And she's got diabetes. 

Mary had a little lamb 

It ran into a pylon. 

10,000 volts went up its arse

And turned its wool to nylon. 

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie 

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play 

He kissed them too ‘cos he was gay. 

Jack and Jill went up the hill 

And planned to do some kissing. 

Jack made a pass 

And grabbed her ass 

Now two of his teeth are missing. 

Mary had a little lamb 

Its fleece was white and wispy. 

Then it caught Foot and Mouth 

And now it's black and crispy.

Ta ta!