May be, Baby

Remember that? seems a long time ago. Go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdIPgtLthX8

Good Morning

Late again, but never mind. The latest is that I have to have my new hip taken out and replaced. However, it will be, I am told, a one-stage operation – that is to say that I shall not be left without a hip joint for a period. Which is good news. However, I do have to go to the NHS hospital at Pembury for the op as it has an intensive care unit, which I gather is advisable for this op, as it is long and difficult. Also, there will be adequate supplies of blood, which is reassuring as when the original replacement hip was put in they ran out of blood and there were motor cycles burning up the rubber over Kent to gather in supplies for me.

Other than that we are all OK, although we were plagued by the latest chest infection to do the rounds, and it hung around for longer that is pleasant.

At last the garden has woken up this year. Apart from the bay tree, which looks very sad after all the cold weather. The shed has been painted and the cracked window replaced, together with the roof, and the borders have filled up. All we need now are some blooms from the plants that have been put in.

Pleased tp hear that David Wheaton is somewhere in the country, having come from Cayman. With luck we shall have time for a beer or two together. Further Cayman visitors are expected later in the year, and we look forward to seeing them.

The latest idea is to have an extension built, so that we get a second bathroom. I gather that it is the only building work on a house that will pay for itself immediately, if you are forced to sell. In other words, it is an investment that will appreciate at the rate that the cost of houses increase. However, just recently house prices, having gone through the roof, are now beginning to fall. I really do not fancy being a newly qualified solicitor looking for a house, though, as most of them round here will be out of financial reach. I think the kindest thing to do is to leave your worldly possessions to your grandchildren, rather than to your children.

In the days before criminal law legal aid contracts and duty solicitors, how did solicitors get defence work?

Reputation was the best route, but you may be surprised to learn that the police could be paid to send work. Clerks in local court legal aid departments were also a useful source, again for a fee.

But I learnt the other day of a novel way to drum up defence instructions. A solicitor in the West End adopted an outraged countenance as he reported to the police that a brothel was operating across the street from his office.

Watch was kept and arrests duly made. But then the officer in the case was surprised to see the complaining solicitor turn up at court to act for the defendants.

And now…..

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish the fence at 10 Downing street. One is from Birmingham another is from Liverpool, and the third is some bloke from London. 

All three go with a Downing Street official to examine the fence. The Brummie contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £900. £400 for materials, £400 for my crew, and £100 profit for me."

The Scouse contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £700. £300 for materials, £200 for my crew, and £200 profit for me." 

The bloke from London doesn't bother to measure or figure, but leans over to the Downing Street official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the others! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The bloke whispers back, £1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Liverpool to do the job." 

"Done!" replies the government official..... And that my dear friends....... is how Carillion was born.....

+++

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in

the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is..'

Boy - 'I have a golf ball..'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - '$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth as he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again you little pecker - you're in my closet now!!!’ 

+++

A Catholic Priest,  a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around

drinking coffee.

Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.  A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on  his body and limbs went first.

Well,  he said,  "I went into the woods to find me a bear.

And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy  water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. "

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip.

"I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!  But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek.   So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The Rabbi  looked up and said:

"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to

start..."

My thanks to Alan for the latest crop – some really good original stuff there. Have a good month.