APRIL SHOWERS

People who аrе born in thе month of Aрrіl wіll саrrу the character оf innocence. It іѕ bесаuѕе thе bіrthѕtоnе dіаmоnd ѕуmbоlіzеѕ this сhаrасtеrіѕtіс.  I just thought you might want to know that.............

Well, another month has passed without undue disaster, despite some atrocious weather, which I partially covered in last month’s news. I think I got to the stage when we managed to get home from Dorset before the snow really set in. Well, Tonbridge got away with it very lightly. Less snow than Bromley, and a lot less than other parts of UK. I opted out of going to the quiz that I mentioned was due on the 3 March, but just over 100 hardy souls from Bidborough braved the elements, and we managed to raise about £700 for charity, which can’t be a bad thing.

The house was then wreathed in scaffolding so that we could have the ridge tiles repaired and re-set. They are apparently the parts of the roof that suffer most from the actions of the weather.It took a week or so before the roofer managed to get the weather he needed to do the work, which upset our next door neighbours. I didn’t know that scaffolding upsets all the surrounding satellite dishes, and one of our poles was about 6 feet from next door‘s dish, so he could not watch the sport on Sky.

A couple of days later I had to go to a couple of meetings where the seating was of a height that was fit only for kindergarten use, and that managed to upset my hip to no small extent. Back on the Tramadol, but then the following week I had an appointment with the hip surgeon where I had thought that I would be told that I only needed to wait a little longer and it would all be better. Not so. Effectively I was told that I really did need to have the prosthesis replaced, and I go again later this month so he can make arrangements to get it done. Fortunately he thinks that it can be replaced with just the one operation, which I am very relieved about. A 2-stage op means spending several weeks – actually up to 6 months – without a hip joint while I am pumped up with antibiotics to get rid of whatever infection there may be, but this is apparently not now thought to be necessary.

The rest of the month was spent in dining out, most notable with the grandchildren in Dulwich. The older one has just returned from an educational visit to Russia. Not an ideal time to go, given that we seem to be in free fall into another Cold War, but it all seemed to go off without incident. The least impressive part was apparently the Russian food, but you would expect that from children who opt for fillet steak, when they cannot get steak tartare, for their dinner!

The Government here is demonstrating its uselessness at international relations with this nonsense about Russian spies getting themselves poisoned. I am afraid I cannot get excited about traitors getting it in the neck, but the lovely Theresa is determined to make an issue of it. Not helped by Boris making a fool of himself my failing to master his brief, and the media selectively quoting from statements published  by all parties.

Mind you, ours is not the only country lumbered by inexperienced and entertaining leaders. Master Trump is having the time of his life tweeting all the time instead of maintaining a masterly reticence. Not his style, though. All the rest of us can do is to hope that he does not get tires of finding things to say that are bound to offend more people than are pleased. I had hope that Boris and Trump between them would provide the internet with lots of decent jokes but we do seem to be losing our sense of humour. I am sure that it is because there are fewer troops because of advances in warfare and government austerity. I have this theory that the best jokes come from soldiers, sailors and airmen.

Taking of jokes, I read in the papers recently, just after the bad weather that Brexit is like snow. When it arrived it was all white, clean and cheerful, but it all too soon turned brown and slushy.

Thanks, Chris for this:

A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

Having been for most of my working life in the business to interpreting words or, latterly, writing them, I thought this was a brilliant piece:

An amazing 2 letter English word.

   A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.   
 

 UP   

This two-letter word  in English has more meanings than any other  two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'  It is listed in  the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n]  or [v].   

It's easy to  understand UP, meaning toward the sky  or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in  the morning, why do we wake UP?   

At a meeting, why  does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak  UP, and why are the  officers UP for election and why is  it UP to  the secretary to write UP a  report?  We call UP our friends, brighten  UP a room, polish  UP  the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We  lock UP the house and fix UP the old  car.   

At other times, this  little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line  UP for tickets, work  UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.   

To be dressed is one  thing but to be dressed UP  is special.   

And this  UP is confusing:  A  drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open  UP a store in the morning  but we close it UP at night.  We seem  to be pretty mixed UP about UP!   

To be knowledgeable  about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost  1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty  definitions.   

If you are  UP to it,  you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is  used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but  if you don't give UP, you may wind  UP with a hundred or  more.   

When it threatens to  rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun  comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains,  the earth soaks it UP.  When it  does not rain for awhile, things dry  UP.  One could go on  and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time  is UP!  

Oh . . . one more  thing:  What is the first thing you do in  the morning and the last thing you do at  night?   

U

P!

Did that one crack  you UP?   

Don't screw  UP.  Send this on to  everyone you look UP in your address book .  . . or not . . . it's UP to you.  

Now time to shut UP!