FOOLISH APRIL

or so it seems. Interesting things have happened last month. Just after I posted the last collection of thoughts I was going upstairs when my knee decided it had had enough. Fortunately it was half-way up stairs, and not half-way down stairs. I managed to lever myself up to the landing, but could not get up and eventually the ambulance chaps were called . They were brilliant! having confirmed that I had not lost consciousness, etc., they got out an inflatable rubber cushion, slid it under me, and blew it up until it was about 25 inches high, with me sitting on top! So I could then transfer to a chair placed alongside, and then stand up. My only concern was that it might burst when at full stretch, but apparently these things have a weight limit of well above my delicate weight. I had a look at the internet later and found that were are called 'elks' You can also get 'Camels' which are the same but have a back to help the patient not to fall off.

Anyway, I have spent the last 16-odd days upstairs as, although I was sure that I could get downstairs, I could not get back up again. Yesterday I had an appointment with the consultant, so I came down, went to see him, and he is arranging a scan on an upright scanner. There are only private ones, so he has to get special funding in these poverty-stricken days, but I am assured that it will be forthcoming and it will not take long. Watch this space. In the meantime I am doing exercises designed to build up the leg muscles, which are wasting away fast. As is the rest of me - I have lost a couple of stone this year as the result of keeping on the wagon and enforced portion control. Thank you Mrs Grenyer!

One of the results of all of that is that news of things in general is pretty sparse. The family have gathered round and come to minister to the sick and confined, which is very nice, and I have insisted that Sonia keeps on doing the things that she normally does rather than hang around at home. So she has recruited several friends to accompany her to the theatre and other jaunts for which we had bought tickets in advance. I have also had the time to weed out my contacts on the computer as I had accumulated abut 1600 of them, some if which I had lost contact with. But it is not reducing in total as much as I had expected.

We have ordered a stair-lift at enormous expense to ease the problem of going upstairs, but I hope it will become a white elephant sooner rather than later, if I can persuade the various doctors that I can be fully repaired and overhauled. But it will not improve the appearance of the house, which will cause Mrs Grenyer concern. And we are also getting plans drawn up for the conversion of the garage onto a downstairs bedroom and wet room so as to be able to start work if it becomes obvious that it would be sensible to do so.

Actually, early in March we did manage to get to Eastbourne to see a stage version of 3 Men in a Boat. It was quite entertaining, but very difficult to convert satisfactorily to the stage. The cinema version (a long time ago, with Jimmy Edwards et al) was much more successful, and it would be interesting to try and get a streamed version (or a DVD) and compare. b\ut it might appear a little old hat.

There have been several contributions from you all to the closing paragraphs:

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

1.         BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT

2.         FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

3.         FORM A LOOSE GRIP

4.         KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

5.         STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6.         TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7.         IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU

8.         DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9.         QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10.       DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE..          NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,

GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

 ***

 A man was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde Essex girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the steamed up window and it says

"STIT RUOY SU WOHS".

***

John Key, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

“John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!

I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.

It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut!! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We will be ruined."

Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call the Aussies. Tell them we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck.

That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one:

"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"

***

And finally, the following links are entertaining, impressive or different, according to your taste:


 

https://www.youtube.com/embed/VWf8CXwPoqI

http://c.tickld.com/x/economicsexplained 

http://www.chonday.com/Videos/the-writer-automaton

 

 https://www.youtube.com/v/gXn2kvouPQ4&rel=0&fs=1&autoplay=1

Thanks to Alan for these. Dunno where he finds them!

Enjoy April