Well, I thought September had been interesting...

but October had it beat! First of all we went to Jonathan Nicholson's daughter's wedding at Ripley Castle. Excellent do - we met several old friends and colleagues from Cayman, drank lots of champagne, had an excellent dinner, and then opted out of the dancing. We were probably not missed. We had spent the previous night at Harrogate, just up the road from Ripley, and on the Friday had met Dick and Jan Richardson and spent a convivial evening in the Old Bell at Harrogate, which is a Mecca for serious beer lovers. Then we travelled gently south, and stopped overnight in Derby so we could look after the grandchildren on the Tuesday while No 1 son and his wife went to work. As one does. Thereafter we drove gently home, arriving at about 7.30 in the evening.

We now need to add that, before we had left,  we had arranged for the bathroom fitters to come in and refurbish the bathroom and two toilets. We had taken several days to get to Harrogate, and they should have started on the Monday before the wedding, the idea being to be away so that they could at least instal the shower before we arrived back. So we got in at 7.30 in the evening to find that they had not started until a week late, and when we went upstairs both the bathroom and the toilet were completely stripped out. Not a good thing to find at that hour of the night! It did not help to find a note from the fitter to say that he would not be in the next day! Off to the nearest hotel, where we stayed for 7 days while they got on with the work that should have been done while we were away. Eventually it was all done, and they did make a very generous contribution to our hotel expenses - which probably means they would have made a huge profit out of the whole transaction if it had gone according to plan.

As I write rather the same thing has happened to the kitchen, except that this was planned for, although I was a bit surprised to find that in order to put in some more electric sockets they have had to completely remove the ceilings in both the kitchen and the utility room.

We have had several invitations to lunch over the next couple of weeks, which is a very welcome development. And the pizza shop and the curry house will make a bit of money too.

Also went to Grantham to the funeral of the solicitor who taught me the law and practice of a solicitor back in the 1960s. It just leaves me and one other of the old Bromley Town Clerk's department to carry the flag.

Thanks to Alan for the following:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”...

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? “

And to David and several others for this:

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's chosen term was "political correctness".

The winning student wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

And here is some irreverent humour:

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

 I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Just been to the gym. 

They've got a new machine in.

I've only used it for half an hour

It's great though. It does everything –

Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot !

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 Recent Survey poll  

             

Q: Are there too many immigrants in Britain

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please

         

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalian, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.

They've sent my form back

                 

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 Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going

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 The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.

She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.

In a recent  survey carried out by "brut", a leading toiletries firm:

“People  from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the  shower!"

In the survey, 86% of Chicago residents  say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% had not been to prison yet!

Sort of brings tears to your eyes!

+++

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “ Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: “Euronating” .

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

And a Spanish link:

How men peel apples for a pie...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=335893426565493

Have a good month.