HAVE A HAPPY SEXTILIS

As soon as I sit down to write this monthly (sort of) blog I think about what I am going to write about, and the first thing I think of is my health. Now, about 25 years ago , at the height of the internet jokes trade, if I can put it like that, we used to think that this subject as a favourite of the very old, and  was, if not hilarious, at least something that would raise a smile from time to time. Now I am not so sure. What I do know is that I am quite interested in the health of my friends, and I make the irrational assumption at they will be just as interested in my ailments. Or what my doctor kindly refers to as my multiple co-morbidities.

Anyhow, for my sins, I was persuaded to join the Practice’s Patients Participation Group. And the first think that I discover is that they want a secretary (unpaid). So, of course, I have to volunteer. I have been to one meeting. Out of common decency, I shall have to go to several more. But I discovered that there is some difficulty in finding out just what the group is supposed to be participating in. The practice seems quite happy for members of the Group to run a used book stall in the waiting room. And they were ready to approve the erection of a notice board publicising the existence of the Group and  recruiting members.  But they are not very happy – at least the partner who attends the meetings is not very happy – that we should run a questionnaire that asks many questions about the patients’ views of the practice. The Government is currently promoting the idea that patients should be able to consult their doctors over the weekend, and probably in the evenings as well. But we are being discouraged from asking patients’ views about this, Not sure why, except that we might get one or two answers that seek 24 hour, 7 days-a-week access. Chatting to my friends, I rather gather that they are quite happy to have 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. But most of my friends are retired. And if they are not, they are hale and hearty, and don’t visit the surgery  at all, and are thankful that this is so.  We shall see as things progress, but there are bound to be some more surprises, and not all of them pleasant!

When I was into swimming, either as a teacher, coach or competitor, I used to think that synchro swimming was not a manly thing, nor was it for serious swimmers. But tonight I happened to watch the European Swimming Championships on BBC2, and they showed the Russian team winning the synchro events. Astonishing! There is no other word for it. But if you can bring up BBC2 on the Catch-up and look at BBC2 at about 20.40 on the 3 August you will find coverage of the Cycling and the Swimming. And it is worth 5 minutes of your time.

I have been reading the Times since I left school, mainly because it has decent law reports, and now no other paper does. The Times is getting to the 20^th Century. I saw the other day, the following entry in the Times Diary:

“SEXUAL PRUNING

A Sheffield man has complained  after his hedge was damaged by people having sex with it. Keith Tyssen told the local news that he had trimmed the hedge to make it look like a naked woman, but drunk people keep trying to mount it in the middle of the night. Let’s not beat about the bush, sex with topiary is weird. Some things should remain privet.”

All of a sudden I get the following tip from a splendid friend in Cayman. Go to

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1005595391612497920/vid/1280x720/nssXMp15pRtNtX15.mp4?tag=2

Sorry about that interlude – I thought that was priceless!

Actually there has been another message from a different friend in Cayman. Go to

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0  We could do with some of this here!

Al the newspapers are trying to beef up the arguments about niqabs, letter boxes and bank robbers. Of course, they are merely trying to sell more copies of the papers, but I am not so sure that, with social media, this is still a valid argument. Until they all start charging to read the on-line copy. I have got round this for the moment, so far as the Times is concerned, by signing up to the scheme which means that I pay for my newspapers quarterly, I get them with about 40% off, and I still get free access to their web site, including the archives.

Since I started writing this on the 1/8, I have been for a pre-assessment for my hip op. I was put on the surgeon’s ‘urgent’ list in April, and still do not have a date for the final performance.  ‘Soon come’ as they Cayman saying goes. It implies a rather less prompt response than ‘Mañana’ in Spain. It took some time to find the tilde in Microsoft Word, and I have no idea if it will transfer to the blog web site.

Brilliant performances in the Europeans. I watched all of the swimming, and most of the athletics. And now we are making mincemeat of India in the Test. No-one will want to play with us soon! I just hope that it is above board.

A few of my favourite type of joke:

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

And finally, something that might be called offensive:

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey?  Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

  Now, that's a businessman!

Enjoy the rest of the month. With luck we shall have a bit of rain. Oh, and by the way 'Sextilis' is what the Romans called August, I only just found that out.

The Sun Has Got His Hat On....At last!

Good Morning

There was a wonderful report in yesterday’s papers about a new invention – robotic traffic cones. There are alleged to be cones that position themselves. It conjures up a wonderful picture of the M1 being populated by a species of son of R2D2 all running around under their own steam and deciding among themselves which lane of traffic to hold up now, or to direct into the nearest field. It would make a great 3 minutes cartoon. Or even a Ceebeebies series of programmes.

June was, as usual, a series of family birthdays. Just about 75% of my nearest and dearest have all of a sudden become a year older. Some of us feel it, others do not notice it, and one or two positively enjoy it. For myself, I have stopped celebrating  birthdays and now celebrate anniversaries, which are achievements. Birthdays do not seem to be.

We have been to Dorset a couple of times, and once to Radstock, which I had to look up. It’s not a place that seems to be visited. But we stayed for a couple of days in a splendid hotel, with a golf course that was a pleasure to look at. It had lots of mature individual trees, all of which were in perfect shape and in a variety of shades of green. In the hot weather it was perfect sitting with a good book with that view and a pint or two of decent beer.

Do you remember the Chalk Garden – it was hailed as a great classic play in the 1950s and I think there was a school party to see it which I did not attend. However, it is a bit like Hancock’s Half Hour and the \goon Show – it has not weathered well and mow seems rather dated. We went to Chichester to see it, and always enjoy the theatre there. It has a good restaurant and there is bags of room in the seats, and is worth the drive to go there.

After a few weeks without rain the lawn is now brown and does not need mowing, which is one of \Sonia’s most hated chores. The next major occasion in the garden is the clipping of 60 or so 12 foot high hedges, which has to be contracted out. Two third of it are beech hedge and one-third is cupressus leylandii  and they ought to be clipped at different times of the year. We choose August as it is midway between the two ideal clipping times, but it is pot luck whether the winter comes with one or the other really needing a short back and sides. The decisions you have to make as a property owner.

Just recently there have been a number of really entertaining film clips going the rounds, but I do not seem to be able to upload them to the blog website. Attempts to do so have failed dismally, and they are not apparently available on YouTube.

The nursery rhymes in updated form have come around again. Three of the best are:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cos he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead..

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad . . ...

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Wordsmiths like these, but I suspect that they are not everyone’s favourites -

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

And finally…

It's quite easy to often forget how great this place is. If you're not from Britain, however, we probably seem like quite an odd bunch at times. The following Facebook post, written by 66-year-old American Scott Waters, pretty much fits both of the above. Penned following a visit to the UK this summer (most of which appears to have been in Cornwall,  Waters wrote up the various cultural differences and posted them to the world of social media.

Here's what he had to say about us:   

I was in England again a few weeks ago, mostly in small towns, but here's some of what I learned:

* Almost everyone is very polite.

* There are no guns.

* There are too many narrow stairs.

* The pubs close too early.

* The reason they drive on the left is because all their cars are built backwards.

* The Pubs are not bars, they are community living rooms.

* You'd better like peas, potatoes and sausage.

* Refrigerators and washing machines are very small.

* Everything is generally older, smaller and shorter.

* People don't seem to be afraid of their neighbours or the government.

* Their paper money makes sense, the coins don't.

* Everyone has a washing machine but driers are rare.

* Hot and cold water faucets. Remember them?

* Pants are called "trousers", underwear are "pants" and sweaters are "jumpers".

* The bathroom light is a string hanging from the ceiling.

* "Fanny" is a naughty word, as is "shag".

* All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar.

* There's no dress code.

* Doors close by themselves, but they don't always open.

* They eat with their forks upside down.

* The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars.

* They don't seem to use facecloths or napkins or maybe they’re just neater than we are.

* The wall outlets all have switches, some don't do anything.

* There are hardly any cops or police cars.

* 5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why.

* When you do see police they seem to be in male & female pairs and often smiling.

* Everything comes with chips, which are French fries. You put vinegar on them.

* Cookies are "biscuits" and potato chips are "crisps".

* HP sauce is better than catsup. 

* After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food.

* The water controls in showers need detailed instructions.

* They can boil anything.

* Folks don't always lock their bikes.

* It's not unusual to see people dressed differently and speaking different languages.

* Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter.

* Nearly everyone is better educated than we are.

* If someone buys you a drink you must do the same.

* Look right, walk left. Again; look right, walk left. You're welcome.

* Avoid British wine and French beer.

* It's not that hard to eat with the fork in your left hand with a little practice. If you don't, everyone knows you're an American.

* Many of the roads are the size of our sidewalks.

* There's no AC.

* Instead of turning the heat up, you put on a jumper.

* Gas is "petrol", it costs about $6 a gallon and is sold by the litre.

* If you speed on a motorway, you get a ticket. Period. Always.

* You don't have to tip, really!

* There are no guns.   Scotland, Wales, Ireland and Cornwall really are

* Only 14% of Americans have a passport, everyone in the UK does.

* You pay the price marked on products because the taxes (VAT) are built in.

* Walking is the national pastime.

*Their TV looks and sounds much better than ours.

* They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven't put them all back up yet.

* Everyone enjoys a good joke.

* Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere.

* There are no window screens.

* You can get on a bus and end up in Paris.

* Everyone knows more about our history than we do.

* Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good.

* The newspapers can be awful.

* Everything costs the same but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to figure what you're paying.

* Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses and the closer the brewery the better the beer.

* Butter and eggs aren't refrigerated.

* The beer isn't warm, each style is served at the proper temperature.

* Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.

* Excess cider consumption can be very painful.

* The universal greeting is "Cheers" (pronounced "cheeahz" unless you are from Cornwall, then it's "chairz")

* The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, then-£1-£2-£5-£10, etc bills. There are no quarters.

* Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money.

* Cars don't have bumper stickers.

* Many doorknobs, buildings and tools are older than America.

* By law, there are no crappy, old cars.

* When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn't lose the "1".

* Cake is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for dessert is pudding, even pudding.

* Everything closes by 1800 (6pm)

* Very few people smoke, those who do often roll their own.

* You're defined by your accent.

* No one in Cornwall knows what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is.

* Soccer is a religion, religion is a sport.

* Europeans dress better than the British, we dress worse.

* The trains work: a three minute delay is regrettable.

* Drinks don't come with ice.

* There are far fewer fat English people.

* There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching TV.

* If you're over 60, you get free TV and bus and rail passes.

* They don't use Bose anything anywhere

* Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste

* Every pub has a pet drunk

* Their healthcare works, but they still bitch about it

* Cake is one of the major food groups

* Their coffee is mediocre but their tea is wonderful

* There are still no guns

* Cheers!!!

Makes you feel quite cheerful. Enjoy the rest of the summer, although readers south of the equator may finds that contrary.

Cheerio

It's June - again!

It’s June. This month I shall be a year older, and I shall be 76. I find that quite a sobering thought. It does seem awfully old. And it’s not relieved by being reminded by friends of verse 10 of Psalm 90. qv. – I prefer not to write it. However, I have today been told by the surgeon that the result of the exploratory op that, contrary to the results of the last two such ops that, in fact, there is no infection in my artificial hip, and that I can go in for a single stage replacement, which means that it will be all over in one go, and not in two stages separated by a period of weeks or months. Which is Good News. I gather that there is now a wait of at least 6 months because the bed problem in Tunbridge Wells Hospital is one of the worst. However, at least I shall have a separate room as that is all they have in Tunbridge Wells, - there are no wards as such at all! A touch of comfort, if not luxury.

May has been a good month, too. The sun has shone, and although there has been rain in plenty, it has mostly fallen at night. And an unexpected advantage of that is the magnificent lightning displays that came with it – much better viewed at night. Although not a patch on those that we had in Cayman, which were much more spectacular. However, in Cayman there is little or no surface water drainage, so we all had to wait until it percolated away in the limestone, which occasionally meant that we were confined to base for days at a time, unless you were not fussy about walking about in 9-inch deep warm flood water.

We had a good meeting with the chaps from our year at school. We do this about every 6 – 9 months when one of our number comes back from Canada, where he has made his home. Fortunately he likes coming back, and we meet in a pub in London. Splendid affairs, but strangely on-one seems to get pissed any more.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I am usually quite suspicious about magic on TV but this was really impressive. Go to

http://biertijd.com/ mediaplayer/?itemid=71156

+++

Modern Nursery Rhymes

(Not all that modern – I remember one or two of them 6 years ago!

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

+++

And finally, as we have to be topical…

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill 
has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

 Have a good June. But before I go, I shall try and attach or upload to this post a short video. But I don't think it has worked. Let me know.