Actually, March the first is National Pig Day in America. I expected the cartoonists to have a field day with pictures of Trump. but no luck so far.
We
live in interesting times. It was February, so I suppose that we ought o expect
winter weather, and it duly arrived. And the country seized up, as it always
does when something unexpected in the weather turns up. I think it was the
winter of 1961-2 that there was a big freeze-up, with snow lasting on the
ground from Christmas right the way through until March. It’s when we learnt
how to drive on snow, and all of that sort of stuff. We haven’t had anything
much like that since. The result is that there are a lot of people driving who
do not know how to drive on snow, so they crawl everywhere and frequently stop
and then wonder why they get stuck. We were in Dorset when it all started, and
drove back in 3 hours without too much trouble, but I had to overtake lines of
traffic in the inside lane with a stuck car at the front. You could do this
because you can get better adhesion on
virgin snow that on consolidated snow and ice.
However,
enough of that, as the sun is now shining, the snow is melting, and we can get
to the bird feeder again. It will mean that the grandchildren’s fun is about
over – Leon’s younger daughter managed to train the family retriever to pull
her along on a sled, which makes a change from constant fiddling with her
iPhone. Her older sister has closed all her social media accounts, having
discovered how much time is wasted on them when there are other more important
things to say and do.
I
spent a happy fortnight writing a 10 round quiz as a fund-raiser for the Bowls
Club that we used to belong to in Bidborough. Quite fun to do, and they should
get a figure a bit north of £1000, which is a drop in the ocean compared with
what they probably need to bring the pavilion up to date. Tesco has it right,
though.
Interesting
program on Greece the other day. Apparently Greece has more armed forces than
UK and France put together, or something like that. They fear the infidels to
their immediate east, and regard themselves as the easternmost outpost of
Christianity. But there have been wars between Greece and Turkey ever since the
Trojan wars, so it probably goes a little deeper what they now are saying.
This
is all too serious, so here are some old and some new ones: When you get bored,
skip to the end for a really good link. Otherwise enjoy March.
+++
At last, confirmation of 'Murphy's Law'
with a wonderful Irish explanation:
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the
kitchen floor, and lo behold.... it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows
it's a law of the universe that buttered toast ALWAYS is butter-down. So he
rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the Priest that a miracle has
occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Flanagan to
come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen
and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the Priest,
"it's pretty obvious that someone has dropped some buttered toast on
the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the
butter was on top."
“No Father, I dropped it and it landed like
that!" exclaimed Murphy.
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan,
"Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up... it's a
miracle... but wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle, I'll have to
report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send
some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."
A thorough investigation is conducted, not
only by the Archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in
Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as
everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great
fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of
an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the
natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious
before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out."
"Unfortunately in this case it has been
declared 'No Miracle' because they think... Murphy may have buttered the toast
on the wrong side!"
+++
Someone had too much time on their
hands and came up with this!
1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2.. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly..
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either..
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft.
Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath.
This made him...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.
The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends,
with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten did.
+++
Bons mots
Last week, I stated this woman was the
ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now
wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people
only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You
may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her
speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give him
his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass
all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a
cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But
it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until
noon. Then it's time for
my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting
things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say
to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
-Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very
flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
We could certainly slow the aging process
down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it
will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his
step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: -
If it tastes good, spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings
be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.
+++
And
here is the link. You have seen the picture, probably, but this puts it in
context.
