A QUICK ONE FOR FEBRUARY.

Not a lot of news this month – partly because I was going to get intravenous injections of antibiotics for the first 14 days of January – and this was closely followed by Sonia getting a double dose of the flu that is currently going round – in spite of having all the recommended jabs. Still, I learnt a lot about cooking, because there was all this raw food in the fridge, and someone had to do it! Including roasting a chicken and one or two other things that I had never ventured to cook. All great fun and strangely it all seemed to work. And then various friends said that it was difficult to get things wrong if you followed the instructions n the packet, which is very true.7

Brexit has [roduced some excellent jokes and skits, but try the following to the tune from Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance:

Here’s a first-rate opportunity

To reject Europe’s community

And indulge in the felicity

Of a break from synchronicity.

We shall quickly all be Brexified,

Monetary gains unspecified –

Though it looks like asininity

We’ll defend it to infinity.

With acknowledgements to Patrick Kidd, reporter extraordinaire for the Times

The Times has also been running, probably to Sonia’s annoyance, although I do njot know if she reads things in the depths of the paper, a series of reported teachers’ comments on school reports. I particularly liked “Works hard at the subjects that he likes – needs to increase the number of subjects he likes”.

Good news today, though – old and valued friends from Cayman are to visit in May, and we look forward to seeing Chris and, hopefully, his lovely wife.

And plans are in hand to book holidays in Devon this year, and canada next year.All very ambitious.

And that’s about all for this month – apart from the odds anends that follow.. Very short but it was not very long since the last post. Have a Good One.

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2050.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.

UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.

Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time.

Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.  No one responds.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2052.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights.

Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.

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No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, you should enjoy this!

Judy Wallman Trump, a professional genealogical researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree.  She discovered that President Donald Trump's great-great-uncle, Remus Trump, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.  Both Judy and President Trump share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows  in Montana territory.  On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: “Remus Trump, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.”

So Judy recently e-mailed the President for information about their great-great-uncle, Remus.

Believe it or not, President Trump's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

“Remus Trump was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.  Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

Now THAT is how it's done, Folks!  That's "TRUE POLITICAL SPIN"! But actually it is fake news – it has been around since I was In Cayman and has been applied to a number of different – and indifferent – politicians. Anyway it’s a bit of fun to re-read it.

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Things that go through your mind when you can't fall asleep.

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".(Actually it will  fall on a Tuesday!)

The first of 2018.

It was rather sobering writing that heading. It does not seem that long ago that we were regarding 1984 as far, far in the future, and now look where we are!

It's a bit soon after the last post, and I sus[ect that that did not properly publish. You shpuld have seen one headed "Merry Christmas, but it seems not to be in the list. Sorry about that! if it is the case. but life has changed a bit. I think I eventually got to writing just before Christmas. Lots of cards – thank you to those who sent – and a splendid Christmas letter from Cayman, full of news about old friends, and a reminder that we should play 2s, 8s and Jacks with the grandchildren, who have a facility for beating everyone else at the game, much to their fathers’ disgust. Lots of home entertaining over Christmas. Tradition prevailed and we had a turkey and Christmas Pud, rather than the latest fashion in goose, , which can be very fat if not cooked properly. There are other risks – I remember many years ago when we all went to my grandfather’s house for Christmas, with a goose to eat. Unfortunately it had been fed on fish meal, and tasted disgusting. My Grandfather got up from the table after one mouthful, and went to his room and sulked with a crate of Guinness for the rest of the day. Knowing my grandmother, I guess he paid for it in spades after we had all left!

Boxing day was more of the same, but with 12 to lunch, and then we recovered until Christmas Eve, when we went to our usual party, given by a couple in Bidborough that we have known for a long time. We left there at 2.30 on New Year’s Day,  and I woke late in the morning feeling terrible. Not what you were thinking, however, but a recurrence of the cellulitis to which I am accustomed from time to time, always at an inconvenient time. Is there a convenient time to suffer from an affliction that requires daily intravenous antibiotics over a period of 10 days, with an extra handful of pills to take, all at different intervals? All a bloody nuisance, but it has allowed me to gather some thoughts together, while I sit with my leg elevated, as required.

However, the result  has also been that I have not got out and about as much as my diary says I should have, with a weekend trip in a decent hotel cancelled. I think the  biggest annoyance is that my leg swells up on these occasions, and gets very heavy, so I cannot safely drive. The problem is the leg is too heavy to transfer my foot from the accelerator to the break, which is a distinct disadvantage to a driver who is faced with a need for an emergency stop. So my lovely wife has to drive me everywhere.

I always said that if Trump was elected we would have some entertainment, and he is certainly providing that. I am not sure how long it will take before the American people will wake up to the fact that he is reducing a very respectable nation to which the rest of the world looked up with respect to a complete laughing stock.

Since the last post there has not been a lot of incoming traffic, and what there has been cannot be uploaded as they have been movie clips. However, when I put this on the website, there seems to be a possibility that I can upload movies, so I will try as I paste this on to the dashboard. However, I have tried anf failed. Bother All I got was a jpeg of the opening frams. I shall experiment after I publish this.

One or two quite good ones remain in my store:-

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…..

+++

The oldest computer

can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple

But with extremely limited memory

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

+++

Try out this.....

I could not believe this! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon. It will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

Firstly, while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! There's nothing you can do about it! You know how funny it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

+++

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body. as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife."

+++

The Southern Gentleman

A southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail
lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said
quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade
y'all to give me a piece of aass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not?

You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so
why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same
table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be
anything else?"

"Why yes, " replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what
y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of
y'all.But where ah come from in Alabama, we lahk our bourbon real
cold, so ah still need a piece of aass for mah drink."

And that's about all, folks. HNY and all that.

+++

Punctuality is all. Sometimes

Well, I have begun typing this on the 1 November. Whether it gets published today is in the lap of the gods.

November starts with fireworks - but more of that next month. It looks as though it might be a good one, what with all the imagined and invented offensiveness around in the media.

We started October with a funeral. A very old friend reached the end of his twig, and, to be honest he was not having a lot of fun at the end, but he had had a very successful retirement. He was fairly hih up in the Bank of England’s personnel department, and when the time came to slim down they looked for people who were prepared to retire early. Ad an inducement some were given a top up to their pension to the full amount and he happened to be one of the luck ones. So he retired well before his 50^th birthday, with a full, inflation-proofed pension. I remember he had some sort of celebration when he reached the point when he had been retired for longer than he had worked. When he eventually departed this life, he had a funeral that was described by the vicar as “the happiest such occasion he had seen for a long time – not because he had died, but because that was how he and his family had lived for as long as I have known them.

The rest of October has been pretty mundane. I spoke on the phone to Dai Bamford – a chap I was at school; with who had a stroke last February and who is now learning to walk again. Amazingly positive about it all, and trying hard.

It’s interesting to see how many people start going on expensive foreign holidays as soon as the school hols are over. I predict that this will not last long, as the holiday xcpmpanies will realise what is happening, if they haven’t already, and will extend theexpensive period to reap the additional rewards. Then therw will be a big cliff edge down to the winter rates, with nothing in between. The solution is to holiday in this country. Meanwhile, I hope to be in Lanzarote before the end of the month. Not been there before, and I understand that it is windy, with black sand, and volcanoes all around. One of which is feeling restless, and which, if it blows, will create a tsunami that will be felt in the USA. I hope hotel will be a bit above sea level. Mind you, we have lived quite close to a very active volcano when we were in Antigua. Montserrat was just across the water, and when it was dark you could see the glowing lava going down the slope. When you got up in the morning, the car as covered with fine dust. It was pumice powder, and if you brushed it off with your hand, you ended up after a few weeks with a freshly sanded car, ready for spraying.

Halloween is over, and the Christmas trees are being delivered. It is astonishing that they still have needles on them by Christmas. In the meantime, the card manufacturers are beginning to have a thin time of it. There are so many more classy e-cards nowadays. And e-mail and social media being what it is, the family experiences letters are getting shorter and/or rarer. Pity – I quite like some of the newsletters that I get. I always get a good one from the mother of a couple of my swimmers, that is to say swimmers that I used to coach in the swimming club up to 1988 or so. I had not seen her since than until last week when she suddenly turned up at my car window in Waitrose Car Park in Orpington. Quite rewarding.

Enough chat. I must get something together about being an “Independent Person” within the meaning of the Act. I shall have to decide what is printable, if anything.

Here is the best of my collection recently:

THE DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and then - being a little concerned - asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.  She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts  for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight: you don't have any milk.' 

‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma - but I'm glad that I came.’

 +++++

The Dead Horse Theory of Bureaucracy

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead  horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses,

and, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.  Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

+++

EINSTEIN AND BILLY GRAHAM

Billy Graham – remember him?? - is now 98 and suffering with Parkinson's disease.   Some years ago, civic leaders in Charlotte, North Carolina, invited their favourite son, Billy Graham, to a luncheon in his honour. 

Billy initially hesitated to accept the invitation because he struggles with his debilitating disease. But the Charlotte leaders said, 'We don't expect a major address. Just come and let us honour you.' So he agreed. 

After wonderful things were said about him, Dr. Graham stepped to the rostrum, looked at the crowd, and said, "I'm reminded today of Albert Einstein, the great physicist who this month has been honored by Time Magazine as the Man of the Century. 

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the  conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets.  It wasn't there. He looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. "The  conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' 

"Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. 

"The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' 

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am.  What I don't know is where I'm going.” 

+++

DOREEN'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,
short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this
"all-girls" trip.  It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured
and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won £800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several

large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way
with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

Twice!

+++

The Beauty of the English Language

Could this have been possible - without English Language Skills?

Four insurance companies are in competition. 

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." 

The second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb." 

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm." 

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the Erection to the Resurrection."

+++

Now, if you want to see how to dance, try this:

https://1funny.com/i-want-my-dime-back/

+++

The Black swan gardeners and fish feeders. Watch both clips

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jA7UzQVQ5xE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=9&v=PXqWRW7_Rdg

+++

Carrying bricks in India

There are lots of examples of this on You Tube, but this is one of the best.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lyNpRRCtCY

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And that’s about all for this month. Have a good one.