MARCHING ON

1 March already! Not particularly good news - for some reason my back has taken a turn for the worse. It's crutches all the time now, and it looks like trips to London may be difficult. Trying to persuade the NHS to do something is a problem. And when they do, it fails, like the MRI scan when they found that I would not go through the hole - not because of the size of my girth as some have suggested, but because they want you flat on your back without knees drawn up, which I have not been able to do for years. This means a wide open scanner, which is hugely expensive, and they did not have authority to spend that sore of money. I am getting an appointment with a back specialist, but I guess that will not happen any time soon.

Enough of that! Leon has had promotion within Morgan Stanley and was invited to New York - with wife - to meet the top brass. We get a full report at the weekend, but wife came home with a goodie bag worth $1000! I wondered whether they wanted him to do anything different, but apparently he carries on with his work as though nothing has happened. Can't see that lasting for ever.

Work on the house has ceased for a bit - we are saving up for the main bedroom to be gutted and re-done. The last owner managed to put his foot down in the loft above between the joists, so the ceiling has to be re-plastered, which in tour means that the fitted wardrobe has to be removed. As that is a sort of ginger colour, it is not great loss, but its replacement may be a lot more than I think it should be. We shall see.

We are also having plans drawn up to convert the garage into a bedroom on the ground floor, with an en-suite shower room and toilet. Not certain whether this is really what I want, but there may be little choice. I quite like having the tools, and all that, within reach. In Bidborough there was a 100m yard hike to the garage, and also to the bins, so we have made advances there.

We moved from Bidborough to Tonbridge last May. Obviously a better place – here is an epitaph on a gravestone in the churchyard of the Parish Church!

Hail!

This stone marks the spot

Where a notorious sot

Doth lie;

Whether at rest or not

It matters not

To you or I.

Oft to the " Lion " he went, to fill his horn,

Now to the grave he's gone, to get it warm.

Beered by public subscription by his hale and stout companions,

Who deeply lament his absence.

 

Keep the contributions coming - and thanks to those who sent the following:

The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie!

*****************************************

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol, 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

 

 

And finally this was done only once on the Johnny Carson Show in 1992. 

Fortunately, he recorded it, because it was never performed again.

The Great Flydini

 Have a good month!

 

 

JANUARY - LOOK BOTH WAYS!

This will probably be a bit short as January came out late. Following increased back probs, I was sent to the musculoskeletal clinic - which is a posh NHS way of saying "physiotherapist" but the man I saw was not your ordinary physio. Very efficient and did not beat about the bush. "probably osteoarthritis and I expect you will end up in the chronic pain clinic, but we will have an MRI scan to make sure. The appointment for a scan came through in due course, with a request to fill in a form, which happened. They than came back and cancelled the scan as they wanted to find out what had been done to my aorta when they found 4 years ago that I had an aneurysm, and they had put a stent in. Today they said all was well, and it could go ahead. So we await another appointment. Watch this space. In the meantime its crutches rather than a stick. This, strangely, evokes more help, concern and assistance, as the message they bring is that there is something wrong, and you are not just getting old. Bus drivers do not (usually!) drive off with a big jerk as soon as you are past them and looking for a seat. But the railway staff are still the best for looking after the disabled - they really are very good and clearly have the right training. (!)

Slowly getting back to normal activities, getting up to Town and all that. Tonight is a concert at the Festival Hall, which is fine until you have to find a taxi, as you have to walk some way before you find the rank, which is often empty with a queue and a lot of people worried about missing their trains, so behaviour is reminiscent of feeding time for sheep on a farm. Sheep leave pigs standing when it comes to selfish bad manners.

Some months ago Sonia won first prize at a local raffle. Surprise - the prize arrived recently - 2 tickets for Glyndebourne at £250 apiece! Eye-watering price for seats in the middle of the stalls. Carmen the day after my birthday, which is nice.

On Thursday Rotary had a speaker from Battersea Dogs Home.Apparently they have an income of about £2100 per day, but only re-home about 9000 animals a year. Each animal costs them about £320 per stay. It makes you wonder where the rest of the income goes.

Next Sunday we have a birthday lunch for the eldest Grandson's 18th. At the top of the Shard. More on that next month, but the interesting bit will be getting there on a Sunday with lots of Sunday working on the railways, and London Bridge and Cannon Street closed. Apparently London Bridge does not even allow trains through without stopping on Sundays, so Charing Cross will be a bit quiet.

This month's contributions include:

God visited an Essex girl and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The girl said she would try her best.

God visited her a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the girl, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and shagged me right then and there." 

"They don't like that in heaven", said God........

 The Essex girl replied: "They're not too happy about it in Iceland either!"

The sayings of Phyllis Diller:

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up

is like shovelling the drive before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football

is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.

Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.

This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,

a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives

teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years

telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties . . .

is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing . . .

was the day I accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle:

Keep Away From Children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'

He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down . . .

is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a Dublin traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fekkin’ wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"

Then Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"

_________________________________________________

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.He decides to accept, so they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them ..... It's a police officer!

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'

_________________________________________________

  

 How to Build an Airliner in 3 minutes: https://www.youtube.com/embed/SE71NJl-naY?autoplay=1

 
Now this is one airline safety-video that is NOT boring. Click on the link and then on the small link that appears below

www.youtube.com/embed/qOw44VFNk8Y?feature=player_embedded"frameborder="0"allowfullscreen></iframe

Thanks to Alan for much of the above. Keep them coming, chaps