THE MAY POLL IS COMING!

It has been an interesting month. Some of it very good indeed, and some of it more interesting in the Chinese way. Everything was going according to plan and I had dates for a preliminary assessment before surgery on the 27 April, I think it was, and a month later an appointment for surgery. However, I had not had a proper diagnosis and was not sure what the surgery was going to be, and assumed it was  for a replacement prosthetic hip, and the one that they put in 18 months ago was clearly causing problems, all of my own making by falling over in the swimming pool changing room because of the slippery floor.

Well before the first appointment we had booked a holiday cottage in Dorset for a week. This was because an old and valued friend, Chris Johnson, from Cayman had announced his intention of visiting the UK and would like to take up our standing invitation to visit us. It turned out that he had no UK driving licence any more, and was intending to travel by train. And this over the week before Easter, including Good Friday and Easter Monday. Not a good idea, and I told him that it would be better if he carried out his plan of visiting his family in Southampton by Train the week before, and then move on to us in Dorset for a few weeks, and then move on to Devon where he had a wedding to go to on Easter Saturday. And as the train journeys would take between three and four times the time that it would take to drive, I could pick him up and deliver him.

And we had a wonderful week. Lots of interesting places to go to, including the Abbey in Sherborne some decent restaurants in the area, and a motor museum run by the bloke Haynes who published the old Haynes Workshop Manuals – remember them? The museum was something else, and no-one seems to have heard of it. It is worth millions. They have examples of  so many makes of car, all in pristine condition, a collection of motorbikes, which is relatively small, but in just as good a condition. It is really something that people who like classic cars should not miss.

It was the best week we have had for some considerable time.

We also looked at Poundbury, where No 2 son Leon has bought a “holiday cottage”. Actually a large detached house. Poundbury is something else,. It is a scheme dreamt up by the Prince of Wales, and if you visit it you can see that it is, at least in part, a tribute to his grandmother, the Queen Mother. But it is completely without Town and Country planning. IT is run by a freehold management scheme which will have to agree to all alterations and additions to property. There is no zoning, so the Dorset Cereals factory is right next door to a residential area on all sides. And the prices are eye-watering. There are no parking restrictions and the minimum of road signs. Should be visited.

Moving on, I went to my assessment, where I managed to find out what the surgeon has in store for me. The operation on the 25 May is simply an aspiration of the hip joint, but the procedure is so painful that it has to be carried out under a general anaesthetic. It involves inserting a needle into the joint and drawing out some fluid which can be tested to see that there is no infection got in before they operate. When they have the result of that they will consider whether it is worth operating, or if it would be better to leave the fracture to mend itself. If they do decide to change the prosthesis, I am advised not to have it done at the specialist hospital, but to go to the main hospital as there were complications last (excessive loss of blood) and this is bound to occur the second time, and should be done at a hospital with an intensive care unit. Reassuring, but I am sure it is good advice.

Otherwise life goes on. The hip is much less painful than it was, but does not like being walked on for very long.

We still have been playing a lot of bridge, I get to Rotary and the Lodge, but not to meetings in London for the time being. But I am not swimming, as I| still walk with two sticks. Not a sensible mode of progression on wet and slippery surfaces.

And to cap it all I have had another bout of cellulitis. This time I hope that I caught it in time, by having a stash of the appropriate antibiotics and getting them inside me within a couple of hours of the symptoms appearing. I can do without that at this stage!!

That is all that I can say about April. We could really do with some rain. I can see a drought being announced sooner rather than later. But it really is not very warm and sunny – a fairly constant east wind sees to that.

We have just had, as a dry run of the general election, the local elections  and the conservatives seem to have done well, but I suspect they might get a shock in a month’s time. There are different issues at stake.

There follows a number of stories and other entertainments. Please keep them coming – they do provide entertainment. Have a good May, and watch this space.

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Understanding women!

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.

Some things are just better left unsaid. And I usually realise it right after I say them.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and the hate each other.

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software Licence agreement. In the end you have to ignore everything and click "I agree"

Never make a woman mad. They can remember things that haven't even happened yet.

Remember, women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

If a woman says "first of all" during an argument, run away, because she has prepared research, data, charts and will destroy you.

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The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What’s happened, Paddy” she asks anxiously.

“What’s happened?  I’ll tell you what’s happened!  I sent an email to my wife, telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.  I get home.......and guess what I found?  My wife, Jean, your daughter, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!  This is unforgivable and I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy” says his mother-in-law, “there’s something very odd going on here, Jean would never do such a thing!  There must be a simple explanation.  I’ll go and speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation.........she never got your email!

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One day on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf  cart.

A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, Hey, are you okay?

I'm fine, thanks," he replied.

"You look frazzled, the woman said, Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, But I don't think my wife would like that."

"Oh, come on, " the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse.

She was very persuasive....and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly! the woman said with a smile, She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart," he replied.

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NURSERY RHYMES UPDATED FOR THE 21St CENTURY

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won ten grand with Claims Direct.

It's raining, it's pouring

Of course its global warming.

Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties

Now he can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play

He kissed them too coz he was gay.

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon

10,000 volts went up its arse

And turned its wool to nylon.

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THE TWO ALIENS (GOLDEN OLDY)

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying.
" Greetings,  Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. "
The gas pump, of course , did not respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.  Again, there was  no response.
Annoyed at the pump’s haughty attitude he drew his ray gun and said “Listen, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire ! "

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ' You probably  don't want to do that !  I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,'  replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes , straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older and wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, recently-fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
 

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there is one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s that you should never mess with a guy who can loop his manhood over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

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UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS....

1...Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

2.   To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3.   A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4.   The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

5.   Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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 She: "So, what did you do today?"

 He: "I changed a light bulb"

She: "That's all?"

He: ”Yes, ” I filmed it”     look at the link below.

https://www.youtube.comLembed/f1BgzIZRfT8?feature=player_embedded

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WHAT STARTS WITH "F"?...

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. 

 The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?' 
 
Harry answered, 'I'm  too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' 
 
 Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 
 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher  explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 
 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. 
 
Principal:  'What  is 3 x 3?'
 
Harry: '9..' 

Principal: 'What  is 6  x 6?' 
 
Harry: '36.' 
   
 And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. 
 
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,   'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade' 

 But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the  principal, 'Not so fast - let me ask him a few questions..' 
 
The principal and Harry both agree. 
 
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What  does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' 
 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' 

Ms  Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' 
 
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 

Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' 

Harry: 'Pants.' 

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
 
Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?' 
 
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' 
 
Ms.  Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' 
 
Harry: 'Shake hands.' 
 
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
 
Harry: 'Firetruck.' 

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,  

" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade: I got the last seven questions wrong  myself!..."

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The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward," they said, "when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully before asking, "Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"

The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales."

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A woman visiting her local ante-natal classes was handed this hilarious pregnancy Q & A sheet.

Should I have a baby after 35?

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens'  centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you
and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see."It is a
very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.  

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

 
"SH*T" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre - and Claude was never invited there again.

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~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.

They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same  box.

~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say ’Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Doug Hanwell....
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

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And that is enough wisdom for one month. Enjoy the month of May