ONLY A WEEK LATE!!

It has been an interesting month. We have had judgment handed down by the High Court on Brexit which has been wilfully misunderstood by half of the pross and used by politicians to further their own selfish ends, and tomorrow we get to watch the final act of the Great American Circus. Barnum and Bailey would have nothing on this – we have Master Trump who hopefully will wave good-bye to the Circus, like Nellie, and the delightful Mrs Clinton who I suspect is propped up by more maintenance medicines that you or I could dream of.

Mrs May, on the other hand, has left Europe for the first time since her elevation and gone to India where she seems hell-bent of ensuring that the Great British Public’s favourite food will shortly be completely inedible because the Indian restaurant owners have educated their off-spring so well that they do not want to spend their working lives preparing curry for the great overfed British public.

Actually exactly the same process has been going on in the rest of GB since about 1965 when the government started over-educating the country’s children to such an extent that not many of them are prepared to be the hewers of wood and drawers of water that the country needs, but they then violently object to them being imported from abroad.

On the home front, as we were about to have the hall, stairs and landing redecorated we went away for a week to Dorset. We found a farm 3 miles from Sherborne where there are a small collection of holiday cottages which are really barn conversions, on a proper working farm with a herd of pedigree cows. There is also a large indoor heated swimming pool for the use of the tenants and the local people, which was wonderful.

Then to Chichester to the Theatre to see As You Like It performed as though it took place at the end of the 1914-18 war. I don’t usually like Shakespeare done in modern dress but this worked very well indeed. Then to Eastbourne for the Rotary District Conference – not that we saw much of the Conference, but the eating out, drinking and visit to the Congress Theatre were all pretty good.

Christmas is just round the corner, so more of that next month.

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
 
  From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
  So the married couple walked in.
  The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
  Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the  man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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Confucius Did NOT Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Nest one of a number of variations on a theme

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

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Now the inevitable Irish joke:

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the
dark shadows.

"Twenty Euros," she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides - what the hell, it's only
twenty Euros.

He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light
flashes on them, It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to me wife" the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!"

"Well, neither did I," said Paddy, "til ya shined dat feckin light in her
face!!"

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Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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No matter what Isaac, the husband, did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. 

Since, by Jewish law, a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. 

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 

''Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'' 

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 

''Okay,'' he says to the husband, ''Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'' 

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. 

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. 

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 

''See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!''

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A police officer called the station on his radio. “I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“Not yet. The floor is still wet.”

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Subject: Question time

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time; one little boy puts up his hand.

Hillary asks him his name. "Kenneth," he says.

And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

I have three questions," he says. 

1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?" 

2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? 

3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary of State?

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the children that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?

A different boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him his name. "Johnny," he says. 

And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

I have five questions," he says. 

1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi?  

2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?  

3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?

4th -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?" 

And 5th -- where's Kenneth?"

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At  last, confirmation of 'Murphy's Law' with a wonderful Irish explanation:

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor,  and lo behold.....and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that buttered toast ALWAYS ls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the Parish to fetch Father  Flanagan.

He tells the Priest that a miracle has occurred in his  kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Flanagan to come and  see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and  asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the Priest, "it's  pretty obvious that someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor  and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was  on top."

“No Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!"  exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast  never falls with the butter side up... it's a miracle... but wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle, I'll have to report this matter
to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the Archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome.

No expense is spared.

There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It  is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet  the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out."

"Unfortunately in this case it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think... Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

Finally a couple of links:

I received the following from Alan to whom I am grateful for a lot of the best bits of these posts:

I wouldn't normally attach for you an extract from the proceedings of the
 British Parliament, but just watch this extract and try to stop yourself
 laughing.

 I don't think that the Prime Minister intended her words to be taken in
 the
 manner that the rest of the House of Commons did - but she certainly
 joined
 in the ensuing laughter!

 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/video_and_audio/headlines/37706836

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Right over the border of Northern Germany in Denmark there are a couple

of "Fleggaard" supermarkets (belonging to the Costco family) where you really find everything your heart craves, especially high tech and household appliances; a lot cheaper than in Germany... For this commercial, more than 100 skydiver women jumped from a transport plane,

you see them in free fall forming the ad text: "SIEMENS washing machine for only 269 Euros"

Called "quite simply the best commercial ever made" by a respected advertising expert.

http://player.vimeo.com/video/57468088?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0&color=d30000&api=1&player_id=media-player

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TOPLESS - SPEEDING IN DENMARK . . .

A novel approach to the problem

https://www.youtube.com/embed/CPwW1HlAPys

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Now calm down!!

Have a good November.