Here we are at last!

Apologies for lateness - caused by an aborted visit to a hotel that had been recommended to us, but which turned out to be a dog. I am not going to detail the faults and name the hotel, but it was supposed to be a f* place with two rosettes for its restaurant. It turned out to be filthy, noisy and with rooms that were about 1/4 of a mile from the rest of the hotel. They thought that one small bottle of shower gel would be enough for two people, and had forgotten to have the drains cleared so the wet room bathroom and shower lived up to its name. So we cut our losses and cam ehome, so you get this a few days less late than it otherwise would be.

The Grenyer back is playing up, and I have visited a musculo-skeletal unit which is run by a switched on specialist physio who knows his job abd is having a MRI scan arranged. But I bet the answer is lumbar spondylosis - you should see what the spell check does with that!

Christmas was good on the day. On boxing Day it all fell apart, when we had a house-full. The new shower packed up. No-one could come out until the New year. OK, but 2 days later the boiler also stopped working. and just before New Year's Eve the immersion heater burned itself out. Hence the short break aforesaid. Most of it is now working, albeit not properly.

Apart from that, December was pretty decent. Assorted Christmas lunches, dinners amd parties, a couple of carol services - that at Tonbridge Parish Church was dire - only half the carols and a 25 minutes sermon on the origins of the state of Israel.

The Rotary Christmas party was just like the old cruiseship lunches we used to go to at Cayman, except this was an all-nighter. We managed to get the best suite on the ship, which was moored at Tilbury. The suite had its own Christmas tree, no less than 10 wardrobes, a table and 6 chairs, a settee and all sorts of goodies.

Jokes - there are a few, mainly provided by one or more readers of this. Here goes:

After Christmas you want to play with your new toys…

http://www.youtube.com/embed/qKHeXC7L85s?rel=0

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 A modern Christmas concert:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H965m0Hkk5M

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried ..... overtime: weightlifters, dockers, etc, but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok". grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence ..... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue"

These singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota  - and they can really sing. They are also funny. Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do":  

  http://nottotallyrad.blogspot.com/2009/11/waking-up-is-hard-to-do.html

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SHOPPING  IN A LONDON SUPERMARKET CAN BE FUN - ENJOY!

  http://gloria.tv/?media=460713

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 ONE-LINERS

1. I hate Russian dolls - they're just so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there: he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking - so I slowed down and applied lubricant.

4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.   I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian":  well, nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.   I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years: then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion - and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. Say what you want about deaf people...

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer: but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought: "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road-worker father was stealing from his job - but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner: all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. (That means I talk down to people).

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance - so I pushed her over.

  

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and Captain Morgans and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and golf clubs and ate spam and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

 Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

     The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high - and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

     So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?" He said, "I  want five loaves."

    She said, "My goodness, five loaves!   By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The 80-year-old says to himself: "I can't believe that everybody knows this shit but me!..."

 Have a good one!