Again late again!

I seem to get later and later - it's a bit like getting up in the morning. When I was at work I could get up at 6 every day, and not even think about it, but now I have difficulty in getting to the breakfast table by 8! However, here we are. February was just as wet as the previous 12 month. The allotment is soggy, and if I were to walk on it it would just consolidate the mud and turn the top 2 inches into goo. The farmers are all having the same problem, and I gather that all the rain has washed the nutrient out of the soil, so there will be smaller crops for the next few years, assuming that the rainfall reduces.

Not been away much - apart from a trip to a family funeral at Bromsgrove. The last of the previous generation. It means that I am the patriarch, or grey-back, or whatever. A sobering thought. Managed to pick up a puncture in the pouring rain on a dead straight dual carriageway without a hard shoulder on the way back from Bromsgrove at about 6.30 p.m.  All traffic in both lanes was travelling at over 70 mph, and there was no way that I was going to change an off-side front wheel in those conditions, so we pressed on for a couple of miles with a flat tyre on an aluminium wheel until I could get the car off the road. Even then the off-side wheels were still on the carriageway, and for the first time I called out the RAC to change a wheel. When he arrived he turned on all the lights and signs to warn the traffic and parked his van half-way across the road behind us to protect himself. Very hairy!

Highlight of the month was at the Gielgud Theatre when we went to see 'The Audience' - a very funny play consisting of a series of scenes in Buckingham Palace when the Queen has audiences with all 12 of her Prime Ministers. They did not show Tony Blair, though, but just referred to him in some devastating asides. Helen Mirren is the Queen, and the Prime Ministers are a series of top actors giving bijou performances. Really as good as Private Eye, and out of the same box. Not to be missed.

Pity about Kenny Ball, although I suppose it comes to all of us. I should think Acker Bilk will be next - when we saw him last year it was pitiful - he was wheeled on to the stage in a wheel chair, he could not remember his lines, and the music was purely mechanical. Chris Barber still has all his gifts and marbles, though.

Discovered the Huffington Post. Go to http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/ - it is an on-line newspaper, but has a lot of entertaining stuff on it. UK news only, more or less, but a great time-waster. Plenty of quirky bits as well as hard news for young people.

About all for now - as the days lengthen and it gets warmer we shall do more, and have more to say.

Finally....

Firstly an extract from a blog kept by a techie (or so it would appear:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV.

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

......................................................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember. over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

 and just arrived, but seen before:

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young  woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing  strange clothing, entered. It was quickly  determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . ...'Keep off  the grass'

Once the surgery was completed,  the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's  dressing, which read 'Sorry . .. . Had to mow the  lawn.'
Submitted  by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty,  KGH London 

Dr. Wouldn't  submit his name