February - and its warming up! - isn't it?

I can’t believe that it is February already. Mind you, a lot of water has passed under the bridge in the last month. We started by, for the first time ever, not celebrating the start of the New year. However, the remains of the hip operation in the previous month meant that discretion should be the better part, and we just went to bed and got a good night’s sleep, It also meant that we did quite a bit of home entertaining instead of going out, and my first venture into the Big Wide World was to go the Halstead Jazz Club’s Big Band performance. For details go to http://halsteadjazzclubbigband.com/ for details. They really are a talented lot, and when they get going it is a wonderful sound. We are very grateful to Peter and Judy for introducing us.

The next outing was to Chichester – and Goodwood where we stayed in the Goodwood Hotel. Very nice hotel, but it shares the building with the Golf Club. The restaurant is not very capacious, so it gets booked up quickly, and if you are not careful you end up eating in the Bar and Grill, which is the Golf Club bar. I suppose there may be another bar or the golfers as well, but the Bar and Grill is a fair walk along corridors from the hotel – which, being on 2 sticks, I did not appreciate. The visit to Chichester was to the theatre, who were presenting “Art” which is a 1996 play originally written in French. It won all sorts of awards, but it really does not have a plot. There is only one act, and the whole play was over in 90 minutes, although it was billed as lasting a little longer. Fundamentally it is a conversation between 3 friends which starts off as friendly, rapidly turns into a huge argument about the merits of a £200,000 painting which one of them has bought, and which is, in fact, a completely empty white canvas. The conversation is brilliant, and eventually ends with them making up and going out for a meal together. A real one-off.

Having had a replacement hip in December, at the end of January I had a cataract operation, which means having a new lens in my eye. The other eye will be done later in February. It all seems to have gone Ok, but I shall probably have to have a check-up some time fairly soon. It’s all a bit limiting, but at least I shall be able to drive again in a couple of days.

All in all, a pretty uneventful month. Even the weather has been uneventful. While the rest of the country seems to have suffered an icy blast, with snow and ice, we have got away with it, with nothing more than a light dusting.

Thanks to Alan for the following:

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money.

The man  started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can  kill me but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

 Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

And…

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her handbag  and tries to write with it.

When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great . . . just great!!

Some arsehole's got my pen!'

And also – go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-LTRwZb35A&feature=youtu.be

And Then: 
 
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." 
 
 
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, Better think it over…..women like that are hard to find.” 

+++

Have you got the right sex insurance?

You can now get Sex Insurance in the UK.

To make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having check the list below.

Sex  with your Wife – Legal & General

Sex on the Telephone – Direct Line

Sex with your Partner – Standard Life

Sex with Someone Different – Go Compare

Sex with a Lady of Generous Portions – More than

Sex on the Back Seat of a Car – Sheila’s Wheels

Sex with a Prostitute – Commercial Union

Sex with your Maid – Employers’ Liability

Sex with an OAP – SAGA

Sex resulting in Pregnancy – General Accident

Sex with an Agriculturalist – Farmers’ Union

Sex with a  Monk – Abbey Life

Sex with Naval Officers -  Admiral Group

And finally

Sex with a Transvestite – Confused.com

About all for now. It sounds as though the weather is warming up. Hooray

Ta ta for now.

HNY AND ALL THAT

Well, December started as planned. Operation on the 5^th to take out the old artificial hip and replace it with a new one, and at the same time restore the length of my left leg to its original size. This was because the old prosthesis ad come loose and my weight had pushed the stem half an inch or so into my thigh bone. I had resorted to heel lists in my casual shoes and built up heels on the better ones, all of which now have to be undone. But they were necessary to avoid back probs.

The 5 more days in hospital before I went to an outfit called ‘The Clavadel’ in Guildford. It is  rehab centre for ambulant post-operative patients, with a particular emphasis on hips and knees. U[stairs it is a 5 star hotel, with supremely comfortable and infinitely adjustable beds. The Ground floor is a 5 star hotel with some very nice food – far too much of it – and an open bar for pre-dinner drinks. In the basement there is a torture chamber presided over by Tomas de Torquemada, which is in fact a superior physiotherapy gym and a hydrotherapy pool. There is a regime. On arrival you are given a  schedule of the time when your meals are and another showing when you are expected to present yourself to the basement. Twice a day,  An d if you don’t turn up they come and get you.

But it really does work, and I am sure I would not be where I am today without my 10 days there. Out just in time for Christmas, when we provided bed and breakfast for Neil and Family while they visited Neil’s In-laws, which I think is important for them to do, and one splendid day when all the family came to us to be fed and watered.

Finally on New Year’s Day we were invited by Leon’s mother-in law to lunch at the Ritz. Yes, the one in Piccadilly. We organised taxis to take us there from Leon’s house in Dulwich. But I discovered the day before that on New Year’s Day much of central London was going to be closed to accommodate the New Years Day Parade. And that the assembly point for this ENORMOUS parade was in Piccadilly outside the Ritz!

The taxi driver got us a far as Shepherds Market or thereabouts, when all roads were closed off. I have no idea how he got out. And I walked, with appropriate rests from there to the Ritz, apart from the last 100 yards when I was met by a Ritz porter and a wheelchair which Sonia had thoughtfully gone ahead and arranged. Some of the best post-op exercise that I have had.

Lunch was just as good as it should be, and lasted most of the afternoon, - long enough for the taxis to get to the front door, anyway. And I recovered my taste for wine, which, for some reason, had vanished during the operation. No idea why!

Since then, as I am not allowed to drive, or to put all my weight on my left foot, I am leading a life of schedules of exercises and walking increasing lengths daily. As it is the middle of winter and I understand that it is about to get cold, I suspect the walks will become more and more uninviting, but the slightest hint of frost will keep me indoors. I cannot contemplate another fall on to this hip.

Christmas cards came with lots of news from old friends and from foreign parts, which I am always delighted to see. We don’t send these out ourselves, but I try to tell friends that this blog is irregularly kept up, and they can learn a little bit about us here.

Incoming stuff is quite interesting, but increasingly scarce. However, here are a few of what has arrived recently.

Smoking, drinking and unmarried sex

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.

The woman replied:  "They're not crazy about it in Aldi either!"

+++

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. 

 On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! 

 Jerry said, We've got to give it back. 

 Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

 The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday? 

 Sally said, No. 

 Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. 

  Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile 

 The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

 One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. 

 Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... 

 The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We’re outta here!

+++

 Winston Churchill on Whisky

His vocabulary and command of the English language is unparalleled!  

How I wish we had representatives, politicians and statesmen of his calibre around today.  

Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky. Here's how he answered:

"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre of my being."

"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation... then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it..!!!"

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle!!!"

+++

Notes left in milk bottles in Scotland- 
  
Dear milkman-I've just had a baby-please leave another one. 
 ------------- 
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk. 
 ------------- 
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. 
 --------------------- 
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. 
----------------  
Sorry not to have paid your bill before but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. 
 ---------------- 
Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way around. 
 ---------------- 
When you leave the milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. 
 --------------------- 
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle. 
 ------------------ 
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. 
 --------------------- 
Cancel one pint after the day after today. 
  -----------------
My back door is open.  Please put milk in fridge-get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on the kitchen table in pence because we want to play bingo tonight. 
 ------------------------ 
Please leave no milk today. When I say today- I mean tomorrow for I wrote this note yesterday. 
 ------------------------- 
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let the dog out and put newspaper inside screen door. PS-don't leave any milk. 
 --------------------- 
No milk.  Please do not leave milk at No.14 either as he is dead until further notice. 
 ----------------------------- 

And that’s all, Folks!!

Christmas is coming - Again!

I missed November – there was so much going on, and I needed to get some work done as on the 5 December I am due in for the replacement o my artificial hip, and I shall not be back at home until December 20 at the earliest.

Much has been going on. No 1 granddaughter is in the process of applying for the sixth form at Eltham College – the third generation of Grenyers to go there if she is successful.

I managed to pick up a couple of nice commemorative mugs at auctions in the last few weeks. I am trying to build up the collection that was decimated when we lived at Orpington and were burgled three times, mainly when I was working in Cayman, but once when we were at home. It didn’t worry us too much as we were well over-insured, until after I had sold the house I got a phone call from the purchaser, asking “What is with the gun that we found in the pond in the back Garden.” I replied that it was probably an old cap pistol that belonged to the boys, but he replied that that was not the case. It was a sawn-of version of the real McCoy! Now I know that we disturbed them when we came in one time, but that was interesting…

Last month was also taken up with preparing and printing the questions and stationery for the annual Bidborough bowls club quiz, which I needed to have ready for the New year – hence the busyness . After the event I will try and upload the questions on to the blog site. So, just as an experiment, I will try and upload a quick film clip, and if you can’t find it I shall know that it does not work. Update - it failed!!

Today we picked up the Christmas tree from the farm at Bidborough that we always use. A first class 7-footer for less than 35 quid – can’t be bad!

My friend David, from Cayman came over to visit, and within a few days was admitted to Stoke-on-Trent Hospital with an infection that resulted in an amputation. It must have called for depths of character that I would certainly find difficult, but I have learned that stoicism is a useful gift, and he has it in spades! We wish him all the best, but he will be here over the New Year, I think.

Today I am finishing up with a few odds and ends, some of which come from Barry in Oz, and others from Alan and I am indebted to them both.

Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever!

 Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One

 would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole

 in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then

 moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one

 girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

 they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the

 effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do

 you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up

 again?'

 The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably

 looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl

 who plants the trees called in sick.'

+++

Marriage Seminar

 A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

 All the women raised their hands.

 Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" 

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

 The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

 Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

 Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.

Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

+++

Finally – Nursery Rhymes won’t die out if we keep them updated. However, I have the Oxford Book of Nursery Rhymes open beside me, and none of the following appear there.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall 

The structure of the wall was incorrect 

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining,

It's Pouring 

Of course...

it's Global Warming. 

Jack and Jill went into town 

To fetch some chips and sweeties. 

He can't keep his heart rate down 

And she's got diabetes. 

Mary had a little lamb 

It ran into a pylon. 

10,000 volts went up its arse

And turned its wool to nylon. 

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie 

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play 

He kissed them too ‘cos he was gay. 

Jack and Jill went up the hill 

And planned to do some kissing. 

Jack made a pass 

And grabbed her ass 

Now two of his teeth are missing. 

Mary had a little lamb 

Its fleece was white and wispy. 

Then it caught Foot and Mouth 

And now it's black and crispy.

Ta ta!