You ought to know that October is the first Spring month

At least it is for some of you!!

 

Well, it has been a busy month, and I am late again as a result. Both of my sons have had their birthdays, and the figures are frightening. Neil is now 47 and Leon is 44. When I remember what I was doing at their age, and where I was in my career, I realise just how far they have got. Makes one feel older than I did five minutes ago.

Earlier I met a few chaps I was at school with in a pub round the back of Camden Town Hall, just off the Euston Road. We do it once or twice a year, and it’s always a good day out. All in all I am in touch with 32 of them, some in quite far-flung places.

The good news is that I am now no longer expecting to have my new hip replaced. It seems to be looking after itself, although I now have one leg half an inch shorter that the other. I really did not fancy the operation for a number of different reasons. However I am still using two sticks, and am in the hands of a physio who has to make the best of me. More exercises, but that is OK by me! I now have to try and get back into the swimming pool.

We spent a good week in Dorset, staying in a barn conversion on a farm which has a herd of Charolaise cattle. They have a small complex of holiday cottages and there goes with it an indoor heated swimming pool about 10 metres long. I was doing 750 metres a day, and my turns are now much better!

It has been a couple of interesting weeks watching the political parties making fools of themselves – and us – at their conferences.st. Jeremy Corbyn is clearly thought by his adoring followers to be able to walk on water and perform miracles curing the ills of the world, whereas the PM should understand that no speech is better than a bad speech if you have the sort of cold and cough that she clearly had. We now look forward to listening to the uncrowned Queen of Scotland trying to patch up the failings in North Britain. I think people have forgotten that James VI of Scotland offered himself as the King of England because of difficulties in the succession in England. Some of Scotland now seems to be wanting to change its mind.

Enough of current affairs for the time being. Here are some of this month’s offerings:

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk .

 The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

 "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

 The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this  room

 full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your  ear

 or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in  private."

 The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

 The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

 "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

 The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

 "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in  laughter

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MORE RANDOM THOUGHTS...

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years: then we met.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

I was going to give him a nasty look -but he already had one.

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

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THE ANNUAL OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

 Bill woke up after the annual office Christmas Party.

He had a pounding headache, was cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Samantha" he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.   "You made a complete arse of yourself.   You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."

"He's an arsehole," Bill said, "I could piss on him."

"You did," came the reply, “And he fired you."

"Well, f*** him then!" said Bill.

"I did" said Samantha, "You're back at work on Monday.

I'm not having you hanging around the house all day.”

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Now here is something different!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/P5_Msrdg3Hk

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And something to make you think – a hangover from recent events

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/xh9GaDgRWX4?rel=0

+++And can you remember doing this??

https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=moz35&p=dancing+the+boogie#id=1&vid=189ccd3afd59d892fa12a1a6b0b8e17b&action=click

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Or you may remember this!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9nf3RBnuGk

That should be enough for now.

Happy landings

September - So named because it is the seventh month!

So I am informed by the OE Etymological Dictionary. My latest book acquisition. I believe it was named when the year began in March. More about that in our next.

 

Summer has been, and is waning fast, if a season can be said to wane. August has been great for weather, and all the grandchildren will be going back to school and comparing tans. The humid spells have not been good for the garden and fungal diseases have been hitting the roses and hollyhocks. The best spray, if you are into chemical control, and there is no natural solution so far as I am aware, is made by Bayer. 1 litre in a squeezy spray bottle costs about a fiver, but a bottle of concentrate costs just over six quid, and makes five or more litres of spray. Makes it a no-brainer.

Went to Chichester to see Fiddler on the Roof. I remember seeing it with Topol in the leading part at Her mjesty’s in the Haymarket, I think, Many many years ago. The new presentation was really good and if it comes on in London, I guarantee it is well worth seeing. Chichester is a great place too. We usually get up really early when we go there, and have breakfast in the Cathedral café, which is really good value for money. Getting there early means that you get a good space in the car park near the theatre.  If you are not there early, it’s difficult to find a parking space at all! The profits go to maintain the cathedral, too. Then a quick tour round the centre, and off to lunch at the Theatre restaurant, which is not cheap, but still is well worth the cost. Straight over the drive to the theatre, and afterwards a few steps to the car park and home.

We wrre invited to a “VIP” do at the local VW dealers, as we go there to get the car serviced. Complete waste of space. All the expected sales pitch, but the VIP bit was not there. Serve yourself coffee from a machine in a paper cup, no real presentation of the electric and hybrid cars that we knew were to be announced that week, and pressure to buy a model that will change over shortly, just before the 1 September, when the new registration numbers come out, and to use their expensive leasing arrangements to do so. They didn’t like what I had to say before we swept out!

Went to a lecture by Paul Atterbury on antiques. He really is a good speaker, and talks for 45 minutes with illustrations and quite without notes. Very impressive.

Two grand-daughters aged 13 and 14 going on 23 and 24, came to stay for a weekend. Helps the long hols to pass. Frightening how quickly they grow up. These two go to JAGS and are quite the young ladies, and I think when they are together they would frighten off most of the boys their age. But I suppose that is how it is intended to be. Not easy to find things to entertain them, though, but  a visit to Margate, and to a theatre to a musical helped to solve that problem.

Finally, did something I have not really done before – we went to the races. At Lingfield. And in a hospitality suite. Had a wonderful day, and came away 20% up. Beginner’s luck! All that was down to Brian and Valerie – it was her 70^th birthday bash, and a really good way of celebrating it, too! Highly recommended.

Now…

One from David:

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of  State, Rex Tillerson. "You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!" "Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean." "Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, had to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home, but he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because it was felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie, so he  sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked:"How many children do you have?

He answered, "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?" 

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered,  “They're in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words…and don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

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Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun.

Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad......

***

I have been reading a book on the history pf skiffle by Billy Bragg – eminently readable, and full of things I didn’t know about the music we were listening to when I was in the 4^th 5^th and 6^th forms at school. The book is called Roots, Radicals and Rockers and well worth getting. In it there was a reference to a Peter Sellers take-off, which is brilliant. Go to https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=A2KLqIpP_J5ZNlIAX2V2BQx.;_ylu=X3oDMTBncGdyMzQ0BHNlYwNzZWFyY2gEdnRpZAM-;_ylc=X1MDMjExNDcxNzA0NgRfcgMyBGFjdG4DY2xrBGJjawMyY2JhN3FkYjU1b2dnJTI2YiUzRDMlMjZzJTNENzAEY3NyY3B2aWQDVHpCb1FUazRMakVtTFVmVFZsTGlFQVdZTW1Fd01BQUFBQUF0ZEZhQgRmcgNzZnAEZnIyA3NhLWdwBGdwcmlkAzMxMkJ3VTVvVDh1amlyekZqcl9sTEEEbXRlc3RpZANudWxsBG5fcnNsdAM2MARuX3N1Z2cDMARvcmlnaW4DdWsudmlkZW8uc2VhcmNoLnlhaG9vLmNvbQRwb3MDMARwcXN0cgMEcHFzdHJsAwRxc3RybAMyOARxdWVyeQNQdXR0aW5nIG9uIHRoZSBzbWlsZSBzZWxsZXJzBHRfc3RtcAMxNTAzNTkxNTIzBHZ0ZXN0aWQDbnVsbA--?gprid=312BwU5oT8ujirzFjr_lLA&pvid=TzBoQTk4LjEmLUfTVlLiEAWYMmEwMAAAAAAtdFaB&p=Putting+on+the+smile+sellers&ei=UTF-8&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av%2Cm%3Asa&fr=sfp#id=1&vid=97a56dcacec8fc6c094cedcd6983b04b&action=view

Sorry it is such a long internet reference but just click on it – or Control = click and it should connect. Otherwise search for ‘Putting on the Smile’ by Peter Sellers

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This is one of the better take-offs on the orange monster around.  Hope you like it.

https://video.scroll.in/839760/watch-opera-vs-trump-is-the-finest-and-funnie

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NON-POLITICAL BIBLE STORIES...

God went to the Arabs and said,

'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are!

We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal?  We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..

'Commandments?'  They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

(There!  That should upset just about everybody!!....)

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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

+++

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So - how much did you want?"

 NB:During ANY type of pay dispute you must consider all of the facts...               

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LEROY'S LAST SUPPORT PAYMENT

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say: "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.

I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl came back and walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ...and watch the 'spression on yo face’.

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That’s enough for August. Now beginning to work on September. Keep smiling!