We did quite a bit
in July, although I got quite bit of
time to myself as Wimbledon was on, and that occupies part of the family for
much of the time. It’s also the month
when its All Change at Rotary, and I got lumbered with finding speakers for the
year – for the second year running – but with the maintenance of the diary on
top! Sonia took No 2 Grand-daughter to Madam Tussauds, which was apparently
quite interesting, but not generally considered value for money. But it’s where
she wanted to go. I always found it quite boring. The Planetarium was a lot
better but they have closed that down.
I have got back to
going to London by train again – it has been some while since I did that, but although
it is hard work, it is very enjoyable when we are there. I don’t like the tube,
though as there seems to be endless walking, so the taxi trade profits instead.
We took the family
to Dorset for a week – or at least those who do not live there. This was to
enable a family celebration of our Golden Wedding, which seems to have arrived
before I was ready for it. 50 years seem to have gone quickly. We were married
on World Cup Final day in 1966, so it was difficult to forget. But it was nice
to get everyone together, especially as the grandchildren all get on very well.
We ended up in a posh restaurant in West
Bay, on the Jurassic Coast, not the West Bay in Cayman which is a little
different.
On the way home
from Dorset we stopped off for a couple of nights with one of Sonia’s college
friends. They are sailing buffs, so we went to see the Americas Cup heats in
Portsmouth. There was a special stand for the disabled and as I was on the
Mobility Chariot (thanks for the expression, David) we were able to get a
splendid view of the whole thing, with a commentator to tell us what was really
happening. All laid on for free by the
Americas Cup people, which was kind of them. Ben Ainslie seems to have a quite
uncanny knack of worming his way to the front and then staying there, even
though they all have the same amount of wind to play with.
Then a week later
we ventured abroad to France. Took the car with the Chariot in the back, and
stayed for a couple of days in Wimereux, which is between Boulogne and Calais,
although we chose to go Newhaven – Dieppe as it is a more pleasant ferry and
journey to the port from home. And No. 2 son has a flat in Dieppe, although we
do not stay there as the staircase in almost vertical, and there is nowhere to
park, as it is over the shops overlooking the harbour. But a great situation.
Next week there is
an appointment to check that the stent that they put in to stop the aortic
aneurism from popping is still in place. They do this every two years, as I gather
that it was cutting edge technology when it was put in.
The usual charivaria
follows, more mixed up than usual, but some good stuff there, specially the
link that I do not understand how it was filmed. Thanks to all the contributors.
Have a good August.
***
When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David
After marriage, husband and wife become two
sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and
prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question, which I have not been able
to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had
some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long
marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little
candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays'
Red Skelton
'There's a way of transferring funds that is
even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives
The first one left me, and the second one
didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once...
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have
mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still
alive.'
Anonymous
+++
Welcome to
the future. Go to
for a quick
look
+++
These are classified ads, which were actually
placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s
dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German
Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall
fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER
BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST
COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS
FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY
OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45
volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No
longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the
Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish
Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at
multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same
time?"
+++
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are
you late?
STUDENT: Class
started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why
are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me
to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how
do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's
wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is
wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald,
what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M
N O.
TEACHER: What are
you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday
you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie,
name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why
do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a
lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: George
Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted
it.
Now, Louie, do you
know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because
George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon
, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I
don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER:
Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir.
It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt
this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold,
what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
+++
A
guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and
yelled, "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus
one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A
voice from the back of the room called out,
"You
need more ammo!”
+++
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a
show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her
chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the
colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make
others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general all in
the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and
the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your
lap."
+++
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate
college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find
that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember
what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric
chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just
graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God
to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch
and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees,
beg for forgiveness and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives
her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky
School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf
of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing
happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for
forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in
and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated
with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all
ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
+++
The Drover at the Pearly Gates
A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback
appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular
merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the
drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken
Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening
a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his
face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the
s**t out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this
happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
+++
Mongrel,
Coot and Bluey.
Three Aussie blokes were working on an outback mobile
phone tower. As they started their descent, Coot slipped, fell off
the tower and was killed instantly.
As the ambulance took the body away, Bluey
spoke...
“Well, bugger me,” he said, “Someone's gotta go and
tell Coot's wife.”
“I'm
pretty good at that sensitive stuff,“ said Mongrel. “I'll do it.”
Two hours later, he came back carrying a case
of Beer.
“Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' Bluey asked.
''Coot's
wife gave it to me,” Mongrel replied.
“That's unbelievable! You told the Missus her husband
was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?”
“Well,
not exactly”, Mongrel confessed. “When she answered the door, I said to
her, "You must be Coot's widow?"
She
said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow!"
Then
I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer, you are!”
(Aussies are good at that sensitive
stuff.)
+++
A
WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS. 'WOW,' THE
SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?'
'YEP,
THEY'RE ALL MINE,' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A
THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE.
SHE
SAYS, 'SIT DOWN TERRY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.
'WELL,'
SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR
CHILDREN'S NAMES.'
''WELL,
TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED
TERRI."
IN
DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?'
THEIR
MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT
OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY! AN' WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I
JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING. AND IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID
WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE
SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY.'
THE
SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS
TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE
BUNCH?'
'THEN
I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'
+++
A Priest was being honoured
at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
The leading local
politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation
and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so
the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
He commenced with: “Thank
Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!”
“I got
my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had
stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an
affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter
on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual
affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his
sister.
I was
appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days
went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed,
come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just
as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at
being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll
never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the
politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to
him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
+++
An Australian man owned a small farm. The Department of Employment claimed he was not paying his help proper wages. The DOE sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the DOE investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week, plus free room and board...
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the investigator.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
+++
Back
on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS South Carolina bikers were riding East
on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge.
So they stopped.
Bill, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off
his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was
trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha
doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit
suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear
"sensitive," Bill also didn't want to miss this
"be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . .. "Well,
before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' Bill here your best
last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over
the railing and did just that . . .and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss
followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Bill gets a big
thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State
Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had!
That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if
you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a
girl."
It's still unclear whether she/he jumped or
was pushed.
+++
Little Doris
went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at
them.
Mum said,
"You should say "No" - they only want to look at your
knickers."
Doris said,
"I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
+++
I am not sure
how they did this!
+++
Finally, and
only if you are interested, please take a moment to listen to Tony
Travers' remarkable presentation, explaining Cayman's existence as a Financial
Centre.
