The new house was not completely double glazed, and we have completed that, and at the same time installed a new back door, with locks that will satisfy my very picky insurance company. For the very first time - at least since 1969 - we have spare bedrooms so that visitors can be put up without comping on the lounge floor or worse. So we have bought three beds, two bedside tables and a bookcase. So far. We have visited the bathroom shop twice, as we are going to get rid of the bath and have a walk-in shower. Much easier as you get older, I was somewhat unkindly reminded. At the same time we are having both loos refurbished. The one downstairs has a sky-blue suite, with matching seat. Some may remember that this was the colour that preceded avocado, which was much in evidence in the 1970s. Personally, I would keep it as a curiosity. After all, people often hang cartoons and other jokes in their loos, but this is not what is required, and I have to admit the upstairs toilet is in need of refreshment. The second visit to the bathroom shop, after we had received their first estimate, was interesting. I had to impress upon them that I was not really in the market for cloakroom wash-hand basins at £272 a pop, nor was I interested in bathroom mirrors at £400.
More or less there is the same story at the kitchen shop. Having given the man there a budget, I was not impressed to receive, very promptly, an estimate that exceeded the budget by 25%. Every conceivable extra had been crammed into the proposed kitchen, so we had an interesting discussion, and I am promised a further estimate. This has not arrived with the celerity that was accorded to the first.
One of the interesting differences between the new house and Bidborough Court is the bird life. At Bidborough we had all sorts of tits, a wren, chaffinches and chiff-chaffs, both sorts of woodpeckers, the occasional visiting pheasant, and big fat wood pigeons, as well as crows and rooks and, high above, a couple of buzzards, who used to clear out our friend's chicken run fairly regularly. Here we get none of that, but we have an abundance of house sparrows, blackbirds, thrushes, turtle doves and starlings, none of which were seen at Bidborough, which is only about 3 miles away. We also get many more butterflies, but far fewer bees.
No interesting journeys last month, but a welcome visit from No 1 son Neil and family, who were delighted with their beds and bedrooms. Also a visit from one of Sonia's old college friends, Lorna, and her husband. They look in from time to time when passing through. Always welcome.
Not so many contributions from others this month. I have had to start collecting jokes again to fuel my addresses as sergeant-at-arms, and here one or two:
At the end of a dinner I went to the other day the host announced that he
wishes to lighten proceedings. “What, is the stupidest thing you have
ever heard someone say?”
I froze. “Say something funny” is the most paralysing of instructions.
“Say something funny” is the most paralysing of instructions.
Then I remember William Hague’s visit to Japan. Definitely the winner.
He went with a group of MPs, and one of them had a pressing question to ask
the mayor of Hiroshima. “Everywhere else we’ve been in Japan,” said the MP,
“the streets have been higgledy-piggledy. Yet here in Hiroshima your streets
are laid out in a well-organised grid. How did you achieve that?”
The mayor paused and quietly responded: “We had some help. From the
Americans.”
+++
Dropping my Oyster Card and finding myself on the Tube with no ticket
reminded me of my brother’s story about his visit to an academic conference in
Edinburgh.
On the train back from the meeting, a guard came to inspect his ticket and
that of his colleague, who was travelling back to London with him.
My brother’s friend could not find his return ticket anywhere. He searched
his pockets, his overnight bags, his brief case. No, not there.
The guard agreed to come back. Yet when he did so, my brother’s friend was
forced to admit that he had lost the ticket.
The guard thought for a moment and then said: “I’m going to let you off. I
can see that you are honest enough. Be more careful next time”.
On arriving home My brother’s friend told the whole story to his wife. How
he couldn’t find the ticket anywhere. How nice the guard had been.
His wife listened to the whole tale. And
then she said: “Great. But what did you do with the car?”
***
I
recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd
but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for
that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave
me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows
within two days... all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet
gave him but they kind of taste like peppermint.
***
Only a farm kid would see it this
way!
When you're from the farm, your
perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbour’s
farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom
home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to
town."
"How about your brother,
Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and
Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few
minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the
young boy say's, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow
one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer
uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother
Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a
moment...then said, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he
charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much
he charges for Howard."
Now, you don’t have to speak Chinese to
enjoy this one – but remember to watch it to the end!
And we all know someone like this:
That's about all for now. Keep the jokes coming - I have real need for them now.
