"The days grow short when you reach September"

It has been a good month. The grand-daughter from Derbyshire came to stay for a week, and we did enjoy it - particularly because the sun shone upon the righteous, and we could tip her out into the grounds of Bidborough Court to play with the little girl next door. And we went to Derbyshire to deliver her back to the fond parents. Went to the Gielgud Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue to see Private Lives. Brilliant!! And had dinner beforehand at the Plum Valley Restaurant in Gerard Street, which is about the best Chinese restaurant that I have ever come across.

Other "highlights" included the Vicar's tea party on Saturday, followed by a Croquet Lunch on the Sunday. I never thought I would get involved in such activities!! Mind you, I did not know how alcoholic a croquet lunch could be........

Also a couple of funerals - it's always been strange to watch as life passes - you start with lots of parties as you get to the end of school and start student life, or going to work, and then they turn into engagement parties, followed by weddings, house-warming parties, Christenings, Big Birthdays, Wedding anniversaries (we had a splendid one of those too last week) and finally funerals. Some are better than others - these were a chap I have helped to organise the village quizzes, and a judge who went the way we all want to go - a heart attack in his sleep, without warning. Bad for the family, but good for the main participant.

I have kept out of politics in these entries, and I propose to continue to do so, but I cannot help observing how little the general population are prepared to talk about the big events of the world. Probably because they feel that the cannot do anything about them, and anyway, isn't that what we elect and pay politicians to do for us?

One or two quite good e-mails have come in this month too. Try these:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives
him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

And what I regarded as a sick joke, but I was corrected by the originator, who felt it was "Merely an elementary observation":

 What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium

If you can't curium

Then you might as well barium!!!

Finally, from Chris and Brian, a couple of excellent clips from uTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esOiB_fanzI

https://www.youtube.com/embed/n6mbW-jMtrY?rel=0

 

About all for now. Keep in touch.

Boating and othe entertainments

G'day

A thunderstorm has just finished. Not unusual for those in the Caribbean, but we had one-inch hailstones, and Sonia has just gone out to count the dents in the car.

This month was canal and river month. We've been for a super trip on the Leeds and Liverpool Canal. One of the most depressing sights was the gilt lettering on one of the balance beams of a lock gate that had apparently been authorised by the new trust that has replaced British Waterways, and seems to be run by amateurs with no idea of management, especially that of the financial variety. Go to http://canalrivertrust.org.uk/art-and-the-canal-and-river-trust/locklines-bringing-poetry-to-the-waterways
where you will see the poetry carved on the gate - lettering which has now been gilt, presumably with gold leaf, and which I was told has cost over £100,000! And yet the next four locks all have major defects in the paddle and other equipment which the Trust say they cannot afford to do, and which is resulting in a loss of water. About which the Trust is warning boaters.

However, we had a great few days on the Lady Teal - go to http://www.ladyteal.co.uk/ for details. What you pay is all you have to pay for. Complimentary wine at lunch and dinner, and free spirits and beer at other time, and transfers from car to boat, or back, is all in the price. And really good food, done by an expert.

Then home and another trip - this time in the Medway from Allington lock to Maidstone and back with Tonbridge Rotary. You se a part of Maidstone that few people know exists, but that is the way with boat trips.

Other highlights this month have been lunch with old friends from school at the Skinners Arms in St Pancras, and Sonia's ladies lunch for 34 local ladies. It was to be at the village pub, but it has closed for refurbishment by Sir Keith Mills, who is one of our neighbours, and who has bought it from Enterprise Inns as he thinks he can do a better job than they can, and everyone is sure that he is right. One of the stories is that when they went in they found that it was so neglected that there was a tree growing out of a bedroom window! Sonia's lunch therefore had to be relocated, to a marquee in our garden. The weather was brilliant, and they got through a fair amount of Chablis, and the noise could be heard in Speldhurst, which is some miles away. It was her way of saying thank you to the local ladies who have welcomed her to the village and who play tennis and bridge, among other things.

We also had an interesting trip to a reception at the Nomura building, which is on the north bank of the Thames next to Cannon Street Station. There are pictures of the office building on the web, and the party was on the roof, again with brilliant weather. The views were spectacular, with the Shard, which is not everyone's favourite, right opposite, but far enough away to fit in with the general view.

All in all, then, a good social month, with lots of visits to pubs with friends.

Jokes are a bit thin on the ground, but there have been some good links. Try

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Dxy4n0UT82o?rel=0

and this, for a geography lesson:
http://www.flixxy.com/the-bizarre-border-between-canada-and-the-united-states.htm

And finally,

As someone says; "A Puerto Rican, a South Korean and New Yorker walk into a Bar and..."

 

It sounds like the beginning of a silly joke - but it's not....   It is something MUCH better!   

 

 

http://www.flixxy.com/forte-americas-got-talent.htm

Have a good month!

The English winter, ending in July

- to recommence in August - I could not think of anything more appropriate, but it is becoming an over-used quotation this year.

June has been quite a month. Firstly, I gave up the allotment. I had always intended that this would be part of the Grand Plan, insofar as I had one. We downsized from the big house with the big garden in Orpington when we returned from Cayman, and that was painful enough. Moving from a 5 bedroomed house with a third of an acre of garden to an 1-bedroomed flat with a maintained garden is quite a painful exercise in itself, but that is what we did. And as I always liked gardening, when we eventually moved in permanently, in 2004 on our return from Jersey, I took on an allotment, because when the time came that I did not want to do it any more, for whatever reason, I just had to stop paying £5 a year. It was all becoming a bit of a burden, even though I had turned it from a vegetable patch to a soft fruit garden, and, rather than let it go in the condition in which I received it - covered in 4-foot high thistles! - I passed it on in a reasonable condition. The new occupiers have a lot of decent fruit bushes, which I hope they will keep, but that is up to them.

We have done a lot in June. We started off with 2 parties on the 1s and second. Leon had his 40th on the 1st, and there was a Coronation celebration put on my friends Alan and Christine on the 2nd. Plenty of fizz at both! Then there was the Cliff Richard concert. Sonia wanted to do this, so we stayed at Hove - the concert was in the Sussex Cricket Ground - and walked up the road to it. Having seen the performances recently of Acker Bilk, and a bit earlier, Kenny Ball (now decd.) I was not really looking forward to it, and when the man arrived on stage I thought he might not have quite the bounce and flexibility that Mick Jagger has, but as the night wore on he got more and more active and by the end he was skipping about like a young sheep, if no actually a lamb. I do not know what he took to get there, but whatever it was worked. Mind you, he depended a lot on the backing group. His session men were extremely talented, and he acknowledged that in his little speech before the last number. They provided the depth and rhythm which he could probably not have generated in the way he did 50 - odd years ago....

To the Dulwich College/JAGS Founders Day celebrations last weekend. They do seem to get children to play musical instruments at an extraordinarily high level these days. We wen there because the grandchildren - or some of them - go to the Dulwich schools. It was primarily an open-air concert with picnic. Amazing performances and lots of food and wine. Fireworks at the end, as good as any I have seen for some years. No wonder the school fees are so high!

Finally to the Theatre on Saturday last to see Relatively Speaking. Alan Ayckbourn's play that first made his name. For background, go to http://relativelyspeaking.alanayckbourn.net/styled/index.html where you can read all about it. It is hilarious. This was Sonia's treat for her 70th, which was on the 30 June, so you have all missed it! But it was not really celebrated - we now only celebrate anniversaries, not birthdays.

Some good jokes arrived this month - some for the second time, but all the better for seeing how well they have worn. For example:

A blonde city girl marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his wife, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 above the cow's stall. Show him which cow it is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher then leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. The blonde takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he's dealing with an air head asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow?"

"That's simple, by the nail over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

One for the Blondes!

Or:

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants Pretty Nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house  should change clothes in basement..

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

 

Finally CONFUCIUS also didn't SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !"

 
That's all, Folks!