October

Autumn - the allotment is winding down, and there is much to be done clearing out the accumulated weeds and getting new fruit bushes into the ground, thereby limiting further the amount of the proper digging. Hopefully all it will need doing is hoeing, which is easier on the back. Probably won't work out like that, though!

Last month was Sicily - which was excellent. We stayed at a hotel in Catania which had a very large outdoor pool, which was just right. We did not hire a car, and travelled by buis, train and taxi - thereby saving a lot of money. And saw bit of the country that others would not find. There is a tourist train that goes round Etna, - a proper train not one of the little street trains that you get in resorts. The trip takes several hours, and is fascinating. And by bus to Taormina, which is perched on top of an outcrop of rock, and is worth staying at for a few days.

Also to Antigua for a few days. Very pleasant. I learnt that the government have selected consultants to help them re-write the laws in Antigua relating to on-line gambling. The consultants are Catania & Co!

We are off shortly  to Denmark, Germany, Belgium and France. We shall look in on our old friends from Cayman, Gunter and Traute Backer, who now live in Hamburg. The trip starts with a ferry from Harwich to Esbjerg. Not sure about the North Sea in October. Watch this space! And then, later to Lille for the Rotary District Conference. Why Lille? Goodness knows. There are plenty of decent resorts in our own District.

And finally:

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

 
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...

 
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

  
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

  
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and  a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
   
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
 Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
 Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

 

  After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

 All the best.

Holiday Time!

The last month was August, when all parents of school age children have to go on holiday and pay the extortionate prices that hotels and airlines charge specially for that period.

For us, we do things differently. Over the years we have had rashes of engagements, weddings, christenings, children's weddings, births of grandchildren, and now we have reached the age of 70th birthday parties. Three in August! A good do at the Brick Wall at Sedlescombe, which was sufficiently close to home for us not to stay the night, and an equally good one at Rhinefield House in the depths of the New Forest. Fantastic location, but involved two overnights - one at the Haven Hotel at Sandbanks, which required another bank loan, and then at Rhinefield House, which was very pleasant. The third one was a tea party at a local vicarage, given by the daughter of a Rotary friend who is herself the vicar. Not so much debauchery on that occasion.

Met old Cayman friends at the Trout at Tadpole Bridge in Oxfordshire later in the month. Tony and Jenny Grey, Dick and Jan Richardson, and Alex and Jill Wood. We seemed to drink a lot of wine, but it was a hot day, so it was only rosé, and all the nicer for that. It has taken some time to work out how to include a "é" in this piece of text, by the way. The following day we made a mistake, and bought tickets for a live Acker Bilk concert. Past his sell-by date, I am afraid. The Humphrey Lyttelton band the following Saturday was much better. Humph died a while ago, but the band lives on, and has never been afraid to include new talent, and the performance was excellent. 

If you want to see Shakespeare well done, get to a performance by the Lord Chamberlain's Men - a travelling group who do it very well indeed. Macbeth is currently on offer, usually for one or two nights only at each venue. The programme had an interesting comparison between the politics and methods of the ruler in 16th century Scotland, and those of modern Syria.

Healthwise all was quiet last month, although I collected the monthly supply of tablets to keep the cholesterol and blood pressure under control, and the doctor had unannounced included a kit for monitoring blood sugar levels. I am not sure that it was meant for me, but I have an uneasy feeling that it was....

Finally:

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,

"Look, It's not the same hat!", or,

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!", or,

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?".

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day, then 2 days, and then 3 days.

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....

"OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?".

Have a good one.

The English Winter

The English winter - ending in July,
To recommence in August.

Not original that - although I do wish that I had thought of it first. But the originator had a lot of baggage - it was Byron. We have had a few hot days, but now it is back to the showers. Actually I am not too displeased about that. Having had the experience - and education of living in countries where there is endemic water shortage, I would far prefer to have too much of it, rather than too little. Always provided that it is potable and falls from the sky, rather than being salt and driven in from the sea.

Not a lot has happened since the last entry, which was late. The jolly old cellulitis kicked in for a flare-up last Thursday, but now I know what are the symptoms, and have a stash of the recommended antibiotic to deal with it, I seem able to knock it on the head fairly efficiently. I just hope I am not speaking too soon. The trouble is that the recommended antibiotic aforesaid has connections with C-Diff, which something I definitely do no want.

Enough of all this. Mrs Grenyer has developed a wanderlust, and we are booked to go to Lille, Sicily, Germany and Derbyshire before November, and I have to fit in a trip to the Caribbean as well. Some of it will do wonders for the Air Miles, or whatever they are called, so there is a benefit for all.

Just finished on the allotment. Doing all right until the showers mentioned above interfered. Must have picked about 14 pounds of red currants, and the same amount of loganberries, despite the support wires being blown down, and the whole edifice held up with stick tape and acroprops. Also 10 pounds of black currants. The blackberries have come in, but we do not have many bushes. Yet. The idea is to convert the whole plot to soft fruit, thereby getting rid of the need for the heavy digging. The cunning bit is to put grass paths between the row, so there is less hoeing too, but it will still need the grass keeping down somehow - either strimmer or rotary mower. The latter would be quicker, but the machine would need to be taken there and back. Bidborough may not be one of the hotbeds of crime in the country, but a free rotary mower might be just too much.

Went to the Dramatic Society's annual party the other day, and was co-erced into doing a recital. My choice of work! Any of my readers remember the following? I am not sure what the rather elderly denizens of Bidborough thought about it, but they applauded politely.

It gave the family quite a start

When Angela became a tart,

But blood is blood, and race is race

And so to save the family face

They bought her just the sweetest beat

On the sunny side of Jermyn Street.

At first business was rather slow,

And as her savings got quite low

She had to call the family in

And ask just how she might begin

To learn the things that constitute

A really first-class prostitute.

The family made it all quite plain,

So back she went to try again.

Acting on their good advice

She greatly modified her price,

And gave to all who come her way---

Provided they could only pay.

And pay they did, nor did she fail

To introduce a sliding scale

Whereby what cost one man a heap

Another man could get quite cheap.

Knights and nabobs, lords and earls

All brought her gifts of gold and pearls

Just for one hour of practice crude ---

They went away with strength renewed.

At last she thought the time had come

When she could be more venturesome.

And so she bought a little flat

With welcome words upon the mat

And draught excluders round the door ---

All necessary to a whore

For as no doubt you may have guessed

It wasn’t often she was dressed.

And round the walls were pictures rude

Of saucy ladies in the nude.

All these were there displayed to fire

Her clients with a strong desire

To leap between the silken sheets

And start their acrobatic feats.

At last so great was Angie’s fame

That Scotland Yard joined in the game.

They sent a handsome copper round.

That nifty copper quickly found

Sufficient proof of Angie’s ways

To send her down for ninety days

Without the option of a fine.

And so he pinched her – dirty swine.

Now Angie said “It’s most unjust

But do your duty if you must”.

And murmured then, t’wixt sobs and sighs

“Before you go, do up your flies”.

And now she lies in Pentonville.

And though that copper she could kill,

The thought that makes her really sore

Is that some other dirty whore

Now walks the beat, the sweetest beat

On the sunny side of Jermyn Street.

That's all, folks!

Late Again!

I managed to miss the 1 July. Mainly because we went out to a large lunch and the day seemed to pass without my noticing. If you see what I mean.

However, friends have pointed out that I need to pay attention to Psalm 90, because I have achieved the grand old age of 70. I am no longer soixante-neuf. Hence the large lunch.

Over the Great Day itself we were on a cruise. Nothing exotic - on the Leeds and Liverpool Canal. We have discovered a splendid hotel boat - the Lady Teal. Maximum of 5 passengers, en suite cabins with power shower. The Works. And superb cooking. No extras - what you pay is all that you will be charged, unless, of course, you want champagne rather than their perfectly good wine with your lunch and dinner. For details go to http://www.ladyteal.co.uk/

 All very pleasant. And I managed to work the Wigan Flight, all 23 locks, which we managed in 31/2 hours, or thereabouts.

We also managed to miss the Great Inundation. Hebden Bridge and Todmorden, which were both seriously flooded about five hours after we left the boat, were only a very few miles away. Although being on a canal means that you cannot have too much water, as you are right at the top of the flood chain. Too much water in the Canal, and it runs into the river, which then overflows into people's homes. Unless the embankments burst.

Enough of canals. I am now picking pounds of blackcurrants, raspberries and loganberries. Blackberries - the early ones will be next, and redcurrants shortly after. And after all the rain, the sun is shining and I shall have to put on the sunscreen.

More on the 1 August.

Have a good one.

Summer has come!!!!!

Hi de Hi, Campers!

All a bit ordinary last month. Quick visit to Antigua last week. Sat in an airconditioned office without windows for 3 days. Actually not continuous - because was taken to lunch at Sandals on the Tuesday, and went to Rotary lunch on Wednesday. Otherwise all is well. Viewing approaching 70th with concern - remember Psalm 90, v.10? All depenmds what he meant by strong!!

Off next week to Scotland with the grandchildren, and 2 weeks later to a trip for a week on the Leeds & Liverpool canal. Should be a challenge. Avoiding London like the plague - it is manic with Jubilee celebrations and preparations. Road works all over the shop do not help.

Otherwise I suppose that no news is good news. There have been a lot of e-mails with anti-presidential jokes from the USA. None like the old ones, though, such as:

 Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the  Secret Service mobilised and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

 Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was  ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.

 They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

 "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "did you see this terrible accident happen?"

 "Yep. Sure did," the man muttered unconcernedly.

 "Do you realise that is the U.S. President's aeroplane?"

 "Yep."

 "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

 "Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

 "The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

 "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

That will do for now. Hasta la vista.

CG

Here we go Gathering Nuts in May

It's Mayday. So you either go on a march, dance round a maypole (the earliest known form of pole-dancing) or go back on to the allotment and try to catch up with what you should have done, but could not because of the weather. Remember last month it was a drought? Now we have drought orders, hosepipe bans amnd flood warnings, all at the same time!

Heathwise it been ominously quite. We went to an 85th birthday party at Jersey - see picture above - which we survived. I am about to get back in the pool after a couple of months off. More holidays coming - five days in Scotland with the grandchildren - or at least 2 of them - and then a couple of weeks later we go on a cruise on the Leeds and Liverpool canal over the Pennines. For details go to http://www.ladyteal.co.uk/ - we have been on this boat before, and it is quite something. And I do not get lock-keeper's bottom pushing open the gates with my backside every 5 minutes!

Nice to get an e-mail from Ryhal Gallagher earlier in April. He seems to lost none of his edge.

Finally - English, Lesson One:

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

======================

Dearest creature in creation,

Study English pronunciation.

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.

I will keep you, Suzy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye, your dress will tear.

So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.

(Mind the latter, how it's written.)

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as plaque and ague.

But be careful how you speak:

Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;

Cloven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,

Exiles, similes, and reviles;

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,

Solar, mica, war and far;

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;

Gertrude, German, wind and mind,

Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like food,

Nor is mould like should and would.

Viscous, viscount, load and broad,

Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK

When you correctly say croquet,

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,

Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour

And enamour rhyme with hammer.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,

Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,

Neither does devour with clangour.

Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,

Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,

And then singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,

Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,

Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.

Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.

Though the differences seem little,

We say actual but victual.

Refer does not rhyme with deafer.

Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Mint, pint, senate and sedate;

Dull, bull, and George ate late.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,

Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,

Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.

We say hallowed, but allowed,

People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the differences, moreover,

Between mover, cover, clover;

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,

Chalice, but police and lice;

Camel, constable, unstable,

Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,

Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,

Senator, spectator, mayor.

Tour, but our and succour, four.

Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, Korea, area,

Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.

Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,

Dandelion and battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,

Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.

Heron, granary, canary.

Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.

Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,

Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.

Ear, but earn and wear and tear

Do not rhyme with here but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,

Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,

Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!

Is a paling stout and spikey?

Won't it make you lose your wits,

Writing groats and saying grits?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel:

Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,

Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --

Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?

Hiccough has the sound of cup.

My advice is to give up!!!

-- Author Unknown

Have a good one.

Drought!!

It is only the beginning of April, and half of the UK is under hosepipe bans. Standpipes are being cleaned and polished. Here in Bidborough the water pressure is very low at the best of times, as we are on top of a ridge, so we shall have to wait and see. When I started doing planning work as a young solicitor, the planning authority as a matter of course consulted water authorities as well as highways authorities and the other utilities as to whether they had the capacity to sustain the development proposed, but I now learn that the water authorities have been removed from the statutory list of consultees! Something wrong somewhere.

As soon as I got back from Cyprus I underwent a flare-up of the cellulitis, as promised. Once you have it you have it for life. So back on the anti-biotics. Fortunately we knew what it was and caught it in time, but it is clearly going to be a damn nuisance. However, back on track now, and doing all the things that I like doing - except that I still have difficulty in standing for long period of time. So propping up the bar in the local pub is no longer an option, and cocktail parties and the like are difficult. However, there is usually somewhere to prop myself up.

Planning to go to Jersey later this month for an 85th birthday party. The guy is still flying his own plane, too. It's all right for some, but I do admire him. Also planning to go to Scotland in May, and on the Leeds-Liverpool canal in June. That should be enough excitement.

More jokes needed - her is one sent courtesy of a friend in Cayman:

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 -1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

That's all folks!