September - So named because it is the seventh month!

So I am informed by the OE Etymological Dictionary. My latest book acquisition. I believe it was named when the year began in March. More about that in our next.

 

Summer has been, and is waning fast, if a season can be said to wane. August has been great for weather, and all the grandchildren will be going back to school and comparing tans. The humid spells have not been good for the garden and fungal diseases have been hitting the roses and hollyhocks. The best spray, if you are into chemical control, and there is no natural solution so far as I am aware, is made by Bayer. 1 litre in a squeezy spray bottle costs about a fiver, but a bottle of concentrate costs just over six quid, and makes five or more litres of spray. Makes it a no-brainer.

Went to Chichester to see Fiddler on the Roof. I remember seeing it with Topol in the leading part at Her mjesty’s in the Haymarket, I think, Many many years ago. The new presentation was really good and if it comes on in London, I guarantee it is well worth seeing. Chichester is a great place too. We usually get up really early when we go there, and have breakfast in the Cathedral café, which is really good value for money. Getting there early means that you get a good space in the car park near the theatre.  If you are not there early, it’s difficult to find a parking space at all! The profits go to maintain the cathedral, too. Then a quick tour round the centre, and off to lunch at the Theatre restaurant, which is not cheap, but still is well worth the cost. Straight over the drive to the theatre, and afterwards a few steps to the car park and home.

We wrre invited to a “VIP” do at the local VW dealers, as we go there to get the car serviced. Complete waste of space. All the expected sales pitch, but the VIP bit was not there. Serve yourself coffee from a machine in a paper cup, no real presentation of the electric and hybrid cars that we knew were to be announced that week, and pressure to buy a model that will change over shortly, just before the 1 September, when the new registration numbers come out, and to use their expensive leasing arrangements to do so. They didn’t like what I had to say before we swept out!

Went to a lecture by Paul Atterbury on antiques. He really is a good speaker, and talks for 45 minutes with illustrations and quite without notes. Very impressive.

Two grand-daughters aged 13 and 14 going on 23 and 24, came to stay for a weekend. Helps the long hols to pass. Frightening how quickly they grow up. These two go to JAGS and are quite the young ladies, and I think when they are together they would frighten off most of the boys their age. But I suppose that is how it is intended to be. Not easy to find things to entertain them, though, but  a visit to Margate, and to a theatre to a musical helped to solve that problem.

Finally, did something I have not really done before – we went to the races. At Lingfield. And in a hospitality suite. Had a wonderful day, and came away 20% up. Beginner’s luck! All that was down to Brian and Valerie – it was her 70^th birthday bash, and a really good way of celebrating it, too! Highly recommended.

Now…

One from David:

During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of  State, Rex Tillerson. "You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!" "Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean." "Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

+++

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, had to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home, but he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because it was felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie, so he  sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked:"How many children do you have?

He answered, "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?" 

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered,  “They're in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words…and don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

+++

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun.

Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad......

***

I have been reading a book on the history pf skiffle by Billy Bragg – eminently readable, and full of things I didn’t know about the music we were listening to when I was in the 4^th 5^th and 6^th forms at school. The book is called Roots, Radicals and Rockers and well worth getting. In it there was a reference to a Peter Sellers take-off, which is brilliant. Go to https://uk.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=A2KLqIpP_J5ZNlIAX2V2BQx.;_ylu=X3oDMTBncGdyMzQ0BHNlYwNzZWFyY2gEdnRpZAM-;_ylc=X1MDMjExNDcxNzA0NgRfcgMyBGFjdG4DY2xrBGJjawMyY2JhN3FkYjU1b2dnJTI2YiUzRDMlMjZzJTNENzAEY3NyY3B2aWQDVHpCb1FUazRMakVtTFVmVFZsTGlFQVdZTW1Fd01BQUFBQUF0ZEZhQgRmcgNzZnAEZnIyA3NhLWdwBGdwcmlkAzMxMkJ3VTVvVDh1amlyekZqcl9sTEEEbXRlc3RpZANudWxsBG5fcnNsdAM2MARuX3N1Z2cDMARvcmlnaW4DdWsudmlkZW8uc2VhcmNoLnlhaG9vLmNvbQRwb3MDMARwcXN0cgMEcHFzdHJsAwRxc3RybAMyOARxdWVyeQNQdXR0aW5nIG9uIHRoZSBzbWlsZSBzZWxsZXJzBHRfc3RtcAMxNTAzNTkxNTIzBHZ0ZXN0aWQDbnVsbA--?gprid=312BwU5oT8ujirzFjr_lLA&pvid=TzBoQTk4LjEmLUfTVlLiEAWYMmEwMAAAAAAtdFaB&p=Putting+on+the+smile+sellers&ei=UTF-8&fr2=p%3As%2Cv%3Av%2Cm%3Asa&fr=sfp#id=1&vid=97a56dcacec8fc6c094cedcd6983b04b&action=view

Sorry it is such a long internet reference but just click on it – or Control = click and it should connect. Otherwise search for ‘Putting on the Smile’ by Peter Sellers

+++

This is one of the better take-offs on the orange monster around.  Hope you like it.

https://video.scroll.in/839760/watch-opera-vs-trump-is-the-finest-and-funnie

+++

NON-POLITICAL BIBLE STORIES...

God went to the Arabs and said,

'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are!

We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal?  We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..

'Commandments?'  They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

(There!  That should upset just about everybody!!....)

+++

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

+++

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So - how much did you want?"

 NB:During ANY type of pay dispute you must consider all of the facts...               

+++

LEROY'S LAST SUPPORT PAYMENT

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say: "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.

I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl came back and walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ...and watch the 'spression on yo face’.

+++

That’s enough for August. Now beginning to work on September. Keep smiling!

August - so named after Augustus Caesar

I have actually got this done on the first of the month! I have yet to find out why it was decided to name the month after a Roman ruler.

The Oracle has yet finally to pronounce, but it looks as though I am to have a 2-stage revision replacement hip. Not absolutely certain, but the second aspiration produced the same effect as the first – an infection in the joint. The uncertainty is because my blood tests consistently do not reflect this – and, so far, I am not suffering the expected pain levels, or any other of the normal symptoms of an infection. And because the operation is a quite major event, and the period between the two stages is so unpleasant, the consultant is not sure that it needs doing. So he will be talking to his colleagues. I am quite happy with that, so the next consultation is in mid-September when we shall have another conversation. I have to say that the prospect of having a hip prosthesis removed, and then to wait for 3 – 6 months before a replacement is fitted is not entirely pleasing.

Otherwise we have been having a series of meetings with old colleagues. There must be something about Cayman that reduces men to images of their former dreams, particularly in their choice of cars. Not the means of getting from A to B on a day-to-day basis, but the toys that they choose to play with when they have the time, which may not be often. We went to lunch with Dick Richardson, and old colleague from Cayman, who had also invited David and Linda Thursfield, and I learnt that David has a Morgan sports car. He is not the only Brit in Cayman that has one, and it was interesting when I was there to see that some other Brits there also had rather exotic tastes in cars. I suppose I was one of them with my convertible Mustang, but it was fun. I should have brought it home with me.

Lunch was enlivened by David’s home-made wine – he has about an eighth of a mile of grape vines in his patch, and it makes some interesting red wine. Definitely not unpleasant, but not really a challenge to the older Bordeaux chateaux. Interesting discussion about the ingredients that go into that light batter that the Japanese use in their cooking. Lovely to see David and Linda again.

And then we had a further meeting with Tony and Jenny Grey and Alex and Jill Wood. All very pleasant in a canal-side pub  by the Kennet and Avon at Seend – not a misprint, and apparently pronounced ‘send’. Any lunch which starts at 12 and finishes at 3.30 has to have been enjoyable. We stayed overnight at a hotel in Swindon. We tried to choose a decent hotel because it was our 51^st wedding anniversary, but although it was all very comfortable, it didn’t quite tick all the boxes, but it’s difficult to say why. However, they sold excellent wine at a very reasonable rate, so we had quite a convivial evening.

Quite interesting – it was difficult to find fuel being sold at more than 112p per litre in Swindon, whereas here in Tonbridge on the same day it was 116p. Not sure what Swindon has done to deserve that.

Otherwise, in the 2 weeks since the last posting, the sun has shone, the showers have been sweet, and the garden has grown like Topsy. I shall need a bank loan to pay for the hedges to be cut. But nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

+++

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you
  something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
  Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,
why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

+++

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

+++

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Alberta for a shave and a haircut.  He tells the barber he can’t get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”

+++

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you

  something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was

  Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was

German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,

why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

+++

Things to ponder – there are lots of these about, but this is quite a good representative sample:

 If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

 Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

 What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

 If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

 Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

 Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

 Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

 Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

 The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

 If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

 Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

 If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

 If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday).

For the answer to no. 6 – see 9!

+++

TRADITIONALLY HOUSEWORK WAS CONSIDERED A WOMAN'S JOB

but one evening, Valerie arrived home

from work to find the children bathed,

a load of laundry in the washer

and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, the table set.

She was astonished!

She discovered that John had been reading an article

that stated, 'Wives who work outside the home

and had to do their own housework when they got home

were always too tired to have sex'.

The night went well.

The next day Valerie told her

Red Hat friends all about it.

'We had a great dinner.

John even cleaned up the kitchen..

He helped the kids with homework,

folded all the laundry and put it away.

I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........... John was too tired.'

+++

Will it really come to this eventually? Or are we there already??

Hello! Gordon's pizza?

 –No sir, this is Google's pizza.

Did I dial a wrong number?

 –No sir, Google bought the business.

OK. Can you take my order please .

 –Well sir, do you want the usual?

The usual? You know me?

 –According to your caller ID, in the last 12 times you ordered pizza with extra cheese, pepperoni and thick crust.

–Okay! That sounds like it…

May I suggest to you this time ricotta, spinach and dry tomato?

No, I hate vegetables!

–But your cholesterol is high.

How do you know?

–Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last five years

Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine.

–You have not taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago, you only purchased a box of 30 tablets at Discount Pharmaceuticals.

I bought more from another pharmacy.

–It's not showing on your credit card.

I paid cash.

–But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

I have another source of cash.

–This is not showing on your last Tax return. So you got it from undeclared income source?

WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me.

–I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago.

+++

Here are two rather different flying video links. Personally I prefer the second one but the kit in the first is certainly impressive

The US Navy successfully conducted take-offs and landings  from the nuclear aircraft carrier, the USS George H.W. Bush, with a new stealth jet called the X-47B.  What is so different about this plane is the fact that it is a 'drone.'

It is completely unmanned. Drones come in all sizes and the X-47B is likely one of the larger ones.  What is so ironic about all of this is the fact that the enemy cannot detect a plane like this.  In the unlikely event they get lucky at shooting one down, there will be no human loss of life or captivity.

As you view the flight deck crew signalling the plane, they are simply signalling the on-board cameras, who in turn are being manned by staff inside the command intelligence centre on board the ship.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/WC8U5_4lo2c?feature=player_embedded

For the second, you will see a young  Kiwi pilot flying a small turboprop aircraft in the wild jungles and mountains of Indonesia. In Papua-New Guinea he lands on an airstrip that most pilots would not dare. It took an indigenous tribe 14 years of construction to build this runway.

http://www.chonday.com/Videos/ runwamaoun5

And we must have a spot of wild life. This is a really good clip, but I have no idea how they managed to get it on film . Go to

http://www.flixxy.com/bear-animal-nature-film.htm