On
time partly because the printer has run out of ink, and the new cartridge which
I thought was full turned out to be an old used one. Very annoying! The lesson
is to store the old ones which await recycling in a different box from the
unused ones. However, all that was put on one side because I had a problem with
my leg - the one with the new hip. Wednesday it was VERY painful, so I got a
telephone appointment with the GP who listened for a few minutes and then told
me to come and see him the following day. Tests for DVT and arthritis in the
knee proved negative, as far as you can without much more exploration, so it
was off to the hospital that afternoon for a "hot" x-ray. I had never
heard of that before, but it is there for urgent cases, apparently, and I
arrived, was seen immediately, and told after a few minutes that the
seemed to be nothing untoward. Now it is a blood test to check for
inflammation. after which there will be more for pinched femoral nerves, or
sciatica. All very annoying, as I have a hotel booked for next weekend in
Dorset, to see Neil and family, and on the 26 February we are due to go to
Cyprus for three weeks, and I shall have to report all this to the holiday
insurers. My guess is that they will say something like they will pay for the
abortive holiday, but they will not cover me at all if I do not go. Ho Hum. But
if I do go there will be no March Blog.
Had
to miss a number of things I particularly wanted to go to as a result, e.g. the
bi-annual class reunion with the chaps I went to school with, and an organ
recital at the festival hall. I think it is a marvellous instrument, and
enables one man (or woman) to make a magnificent sound. Go to http://my.mail.ru/mail/nik4441/video/2323/3969.html
to see what you can do just using the pedals.
Otherwise
January was pretty devoid of excitement. Apart from some unwonted activity in
the USA. All very problematical, as I see today that Trump’s approval rating
has grown a lot since he started to throw his weight about. And he was
democratically, although not by a majority of those voting. I must look up and
find out exactly what the electoral college is, apart from a legal (in USA)
method of skewing the outcome of a democratic election.
Went
to see La La Land on the day it came out. I really cannot see what all the fuss
is about. Not in my book a memorable film – I couldn’t whistle any of the songs
after I came out of the cinema. I think the problem is that it started life as
a film and then moved on, presumably to a stage production, and it is the first
to do it that way round.
Nothing
more at this stage. Have a good February – or what there is left of it!
Clive
+++
IT IS UNWISE TO JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS...
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had
anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom: it was their time
to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful
woman carrying a baby. She started walking toward the pastor
slowly....
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks, wondering how
best to help save the situation.
The pastor hesitantly asked the woman, "Can you tell
us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back of the
church."
+++
THE DANGERS OF BRITISH HIGHWAY CAR-JACKING!
+++
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he
put up a sign that read, 'Free
Sex with Fill-Up!'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner
told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were
close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all."
Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice
last week."
+++
I had the following from John, for which I am grateful:
What a waste of talent!
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very
good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's
outrageous. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the
profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a
brilliant vet.
+++
The waiter
+++
After his exam the doctor asked the
elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old
man. "After I have sex with my wife, I
am usually cold and chilly, and then,
after I have sex with her the
second time, I am usually hot and
sweaty."
Later, after examining the man's elderly
wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do
you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
She replied that she had no questions or
concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your
husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly
after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the
second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she
replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the
second time is in August.
+++
I want one of these!
+++
This
is one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there must
be deadly at Scrabble.
PRESBYTERIAN:
When
you rearrange the letters:
BEST
IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When
you rearrange the letters:
MOON
STARER
DESPERATION:
When
you rearrange the letters:
A
ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When
you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When
you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When
you rearrange the letters:
HERE
COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When
you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY
ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When
you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When
you rearrange the letters:
LIES
- LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When
you rearrange the letters:
ALAS!
NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When
you rearrange the letters:
I'M
A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When
you rearrange the letters:
THAT
QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When
you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE
PLUS ONE
+++
A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was
concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But she had a large house
and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked
together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do
next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a
very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will
make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me." he replied.
+++
Bless the Australians and their
sense of humour.
These were posted on an Australian tourism website,
and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who
obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance
threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q:Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have
never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just
sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q:Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I
follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots
of water.
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in
Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and
Hervey Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo
racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent
south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the
Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us
when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q:Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir
schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk
available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia
who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where
YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in
Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called
because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with
human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a new product that is the
fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
(France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q:Will I be able to speak English most places I
go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
+++
I Miss Bill
It doesn’t matter what party you belong to this is
good natured political humour from a show on Canadian TV, where a black
comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill
Clinton!”
*He was the closest thing we ever got to having a
real black man as President.
*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women.
*Even now? Look at him ... his wife works,
and he doesn’t!
And, he gets a check from the government every
month.
*Manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking America’s shelves this week with “Clinton Soup," in honour of one
of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in
hot water.
*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its
line to honour Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one.”
*The Clinton revised judicial oath:
“I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it,
the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know.”
*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes.
+++
They're back! Those wonderful
Church Bulletins! Thank God for the
church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced
at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer
Conference includes meals.
-----------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans,
bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used
to cripple children.
-----------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus
Walks on the Water' The sermon
tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus'
-----------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage
sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping
around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------
Don't let worry kill you off -
let the Church help.
-----------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will
not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
-----------------
For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
-----------------
Next Thursday there will be
try-outs for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
-----------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter
were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
-----------------
A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
-----------------
At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
-----------------
Eight new choir robes are
currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------
Please place your donation in the
envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
-----------------
The church will host an evening
of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
-----------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM
- prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------
The ladies of the Church have
cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.
-----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will
be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket
and come prepared to sin.
-----------------
The pastor would appreciate it if
the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast
next
Sunday.
-----------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will
meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
-----------------
The eighth-graders will be
presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
-----------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM
at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at
the side entrance.
-----------------
And this one just about sums them
all up ...
The Associate Minister unveiled
the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'
+++
