November

No sun - no moon!
No morn - no noon -
No dawn - no dusk - no proper time of day.
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member -
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds! -
November! 

However, October was different. Not a lot of travelling, but much browsing and sluicing as Mr Wooster put it. We started by touring the Whitechapel Bell Foundry, which seems to be the oldest trading company in the world. Fascinating - they make the bells for most people or organisations who want one, and service the machinery that is used to ring them, but the whole exercise operates from premises that is little larger than a good sized detached house in suburbia. Not easy to book a tour, but well worth the effort.

Actually we did go to Brighton for a couple of days - we had booked a room for the night in June when we went to a Cliff Richard concert in Hove Cricket Ground, but they denied the booking on the day, and when we proved them wrong, having found another place to stay, they gave us a freebie weekend. Actually I would have been more comfortable at home, but it would have been churlish to refuse, and we did get to have an Indian with a very good friend who lives at Lewes, and who will be looking forward to November 5!

Went to see The Ladykillers  - a really good and well-produced play, based on the old film, and very funny. And the following week, to From Here to Eternity. I did wonder how they would make a musical from a story such as that, but it worked very well. On at the Shaftesbury Theatre.

Last week we had The Storm. Bidborough Court stands on the very top of Bidborough Ridge with an uninterrupted view for 30-odd miles to the south-west, from where our weather comes, and I was fearful that we would lose the roof again, but despite threats of 80-odd mph gales, we emerged unscathed. The final check on the tile swill be made as I type, but I am sure that there is nothing much amiss.

To lunch with the Lord Mayor of London a couple of days later. It was a Vintry and Dowgate ward annual lunch. The LM was a very good speaker, modelling himself on Nicholas Parsons, I think, and it worked very well.

From the sublime to the ridiculous - the following day we went to a local Turkish restaurant for Rotary dinner out the following day. I do like Turkish food, and their wine has improved enormously. When we first started going on holiday to turkey about 40 years ago Turkish wine had a well-deserved reputation for tasting of burnt rubber, but they seem to have solved that, more or less. 

Also during the month Sonia had her atrial fibrillation treated with the electric shock treatment that Tony Blair had some years previously. It has worked very well, and she is now climbing hills and playing tennis with renewed vigour.

Two interesting things arrived in the e-mails recently:

CURTAIN RODS ---

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, by candlelight; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half – they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.

She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......

And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!

OH, I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This year the grass grew faster than normal…………

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilising grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilise grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch………………

That's about it for this month. Have a good one.

October - National Stamp Collecting Month

For some reason I discovered that this is an American celebratory month, but I suspect that it is simply a device sponsored by Stanley Gibbons and the like to promote sales. But it prompted me to do a quick internet search and, - low and behold – October is also National Squirrel Awareness Month,  Dwarfism Awareness Month and National Sausage Month. There are one or two other observances for October, but this can get tedious if it goes on for longer than a few lines.

We have been away for a week. We were going to France for a longer period, but things are never straightforward, especially as anno domini takes control.

Anyhow, we went to Devon, not France as my health insurance people are now imposing conditions that would have been expensive whatever either of us might have developed, so foreign travel was out. Fortunately we had booked the hotels through an agency that did not charge for cancellations, no matter how late. Actually you pay extra for that privilege, but it buys peace of mind. So the next step is to research the holiday insurance industry. It will teach us to prepare properly when we plan holidays, and not to imagine that good things go on for ever. Because they do not seem to.

We went to Thurlestone in south Devon, and stayed at the Thurlestone Hotel. Go to http://www.thurlestone.co.uk/home.htm for details. There are 2 pools, indoor and outdoor, both heated, which meant that I could swim every day, The outdoor pool is 16m which means that you do 12 lengths to get a 200m swim, instead of the 8 that I have to do in the Tonbridge school pool. I went back to Tonbridge pool when we returned and found that the school teach water polo in the autumn term, - something that I think is really sensible. There were 2 teams of 14 year-olds who were really playing very well.

Back down in Devon we went on the usual boat trip from Kingsbridge to Salcombe and back – we try to do a boat trip whenever we go away – it is a great way to see both town and country. We also went to Agatha Christie’s house at Greenway – go to http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/greenway/ The National Trust have managed to make it more interesting than they managed with Chartwell, which I thought looked like any other rich old man’s home, all old furniture of no particular interest. The Christies had spent 5 generations there, and they had a mania for collecting, and the wherewithal to be able to collect good and interesting things. And they never threw anything away. It made it look like an over-stocked antique shop, but I happen to like antique shops so I was as happy as Larry there, even though it rained cats and dogs, which stopped my better half from looking round the garden. There was another NT house close by which we called on, called Saltram. It was very much more an historic pile, and has a long history – go to http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/saltram/  

Having been invited to a splendid golden wedding party we have also started thinking about what we are going to do in 2016. It’s a long way away at the moment, but time does seem to pass more and more quickly.

The day after we got back from Devon I had another duty – I had been persuaded to be race controller for the Tonbridge half-marathon. 1500 runners, who between them raised over £60,000 for various charities. Not so energetic for me, but it meant getting up at the crack of dawn and concentrating until the last runners crept in on Sunday afternoon. It’s an interesting event to help organise, and involves road closures, circulating leaflets to the villages who are affected, and communications systems like SW radio, a bank of telephones and cars that go before to check the route and to sweep up the casualties. Actually the most difficult casualty was a huge dead deer that was found across the route first thing in the morning, having been run down by a car some time in the night.

And finally…………

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by Westminster .'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to

unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real

nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

And for being so patient, go to http://m.wimp.com/waitlive/ for something really clever.

Have a good month.

"The days grow short when you reach September"

It has been a good month. The grand-daughter from Derbyshire came to stay for a week, and we did enjoy it - particularly because the sun shone upon the righteous, and we could tip her out into the grounds of Bidborough Court to play with the little girl next door. And we went to Derbyshire to deliver her back to the fond parents. Went to the Gielgud Theatre in Shaftesbury Avenue to see Private Lives. Brilliant!! And had dinner beforehand at the Plum Valley Restaurant in Gerard Street, which is about the best Chinese restaurant that I have ever come across.

Other "highlights" included the Vicar's tea party on Saturday, followed by a Croquet Lunch on the Sunday. I never thought I would get involved in such activities!! Mind you, I did not know how alcoholic a croquet lunch could be........

Also a couple of funerals - it's always been strange to watch as life passes - you start with lots of parties as you get to the end of school and start student life, or going to work, and then they turn into engagement parties, followed by weddings, house-warming parties, Christenings, Big Birthdays, Wedding anniversaries (we had a splendid one of those too last week) and finally funerals. Some are better than others - these were a chap I have helped to organise the village quizzes, and a judge who went the way we all want to go - a heart attack in his sleep, without warning. Bad for the family, but good for the main participant.

I have kept out of politics in these entries, and I propose to continue to do so, but I cannot help observing how little the general population are prepared to talk about the big events of the world. Probably because they feel that the cannot do anything about them, and anyway, isn't that what we elect and pay politicians to do for us?

One or two quite good e-mails have come in this month too. Try these:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives
him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

And what I regarded as a sick joke, but I was corrected by the originator, who felt it was "Merely an elementary observation":

 What do you do with a sick chemist?

If you can't helium

If you can't curium

Then you might as well barium!!!

Finally, from Chris and Brian, a couple of excellent clips from uTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esOiB_fanzI

https://www.youtube.com/embed/n6mbW-jMtrY?rel=0

 

About all for now. Keep in touch.

Boating and othe entertainments

G'day

A thunderstorm has just finished. Not unusual for those in the Caribbean, but we had one-inch hailstones, and Sonia has just gone out to count the dents in the car.

This month was canal and river month. We've been for a super trip on the Leeds and Liverpool Canal. One of the most depressing sights was the gilt lettering on one of the balance beams of a lock gate that had apparently been authorised by the new trust that has replaced British Waterways, and seems to be run by amateurs with no idea of management, especially that of the financial variety. Go to http://canalrivertrust.org.uk/art-and-the-canal-and-river-trust/locklines-bringing-poetry-to-the-waterways
where you will see the poetry carved on the gate - lettering which has now been gilt, presumably with gold leaf, and which I was told has cost over £100,000! And yet the next four locks all have major defects in the paddle and other equipment which the Trust say they cannot afford to do, and which is resulting in a loss of water. About which the Trust is warning boaters.

However, we had a great few days on the Lady Teal - go to http://www.ladyteal.co.uk/ for details. What you pay is all you have to pay for. Complimentary wine at lunch and dinner, and free spirits and beer at other time, and transfers from car to boat, or back, is all in the price. And really good food, done by an expert.

Then home and another trip - this time in the Medway from Allington lock to Maidstone and back with Tonbridge Rotary. You se a part of Maidstone that few people know exists, but that is the way with boat trips.

Other highlights this month have been lunch with old friends from school at the Skinners Arms in St Pancras, and Sonia's ladies lunch for 34 local ladies. It was to be at the village pub, but it has closed for refurbishment by Sir Keith Mills, who is one of our neighbours, and who has bought it from Enterprise Inns as he thinks he can do a better job than they can, and everyone is sure that he is right. One of the stories is that when they went in they found that it was so neglected that there was a tree growing out of a bedroom window! Sonia's lunch therefore had to be relocated, to a marquee in our garden. The weather was brilliant, and they got through a fair amount of Chablis, and the noise could be heard in Speldhurst, which is some miles away. It was her way of saying thank you to the local ladies who have welcomed her to the village and who play tennis and bridge, among other things.

We also had an interesting trip to a reception at the Nomura building, which is on the north bank of the Thames next to Cannon Street Station. There are pictures of the office building on the web, and the party was on the roof, again with brilliant weather. The views were spectacular, with the Shard, which is not everyone's favourite, right opposite, but far enough away to fit in with the general view.

All in all, then, a good social month, with lots of visits to pubs with friends.

Jokes are a bit thin on the ground, but there have been some good links. Try

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/Dxy4n0UT82o?rel=0

and this, for a geography lesson:
http://www.flixxy.com/the-bizarre-border-between-canada-and-the-united-states.htm

And finally,

As someone says; "A Puerto Rican, a South Korean and New Yorker walk into a Bar and..."

 

It sounds like the beginning of a silly joke - but it's not....   It is something MUCH better!   

 

 

http://www.flixxy.com/forte-americas-got-talent.htm

Have a good month!