Late Again!!

Sorry, chaps - we got in a 3.30 am on New Year's Day, and I could not face writing after I got up. But it was a good party.

Back on the allotment the water is running off - it will not be fit for working for weeks. I did manage to rake up the old raspberry canes that I had left on the ground after cutting them down some weeks ago, when it first started raining. But there is no way that I can start planting the new fruit bushes, which will save some money but will have to be done some time.

Christmas was family time. To Derbyshire to No/. 1 son the week before, to Dulwich to No 2 son for Christmas day, and a couple of days later Derbyshire came to Bidborough and bed and breakfasted while they visited the in-laws, who live in Beckenham, and surrounding parts. Finished with taking all 14 out to lunch....

Been to 2 pantomimes. Eastbourne was better - a nice little theatre, with roomy seats and very well run. You get lots of plays there that end up in the West End, and the advantage is that you pay lower prices than the £80 or £90 that is demanded in London. Snow White was on at Tunbridge Wells. They had real dwarves on the stage, and very good they were too.

Rotary has been busy. We ran the Tonbridge Marathon and raised about £9000 for a mixture of local and international charities, and I had the dubious privilege of occupying a post that was entitled "Race Controller". Too many 'fat' jokes around to make it enjoyable. The organised the Rotary Christmas Party, with the Charter Lunch to follow in February. I must get out more.

 Bridge has also restarted.  I get my regular Monday Night handbagging for playing like a wally and not communicating with my partner, but it is all part of the fun.

No holidays fixed up - apart from a cruise on the Leeds and Liverpool Canal in June. More of that later.

Was put on to a good film clip by a friend in cayman. Go to

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=32bUIa--6GM&feature=youtu.be

 and see the Ipad that I really wish I had been given for Christmas.

And finally:

Girl lies seriously injured following a road accident in Essex.

Paramedic approaches.

"Where are you bleeding from?"

"Romford."

And then there was the dyslexic Yorkshireman who couldn't understand why people looked at him curiously when he walked around with a catflap on his head.

Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year to you all.

The Goose is Getting Fat!

And not just the goose. Everything seems to be in equilibrium. Always a wrong thing to say. However the weather has been atrocious, and the allotment has suffered, although I have managed to take down the bean sticks and to burn the first of two lots of raspberry canes. But since the rain has stopped the frost has arrived. Off to Town today for an office reunion - friends from the old pre-Cayman days. None of us getting younger, but nice to to to London, and have a look round old haunts. Village panto tonight - not to be missed, much better value for money than the Assembly Halls one that is to come, with the grandchildren.

Found a decent second hand book shop in Tonbridge and managed to bey a Greek lexicon for a reasonable price. I have wanted one for years, but they seem like snow in summer - very rare and never still there when you think you have found one.

Not done a lot else - organised the Rotary Christmas party, but they are a funny lot - less than half the members came, although they have known about it for months. Some of them take a delight in wilfully not going to these things, and keeping it from the organiser until the last moment. However all those who went seemed to be satisfied customers. But I shall not be doing it again.

Now we are getting ready for Christmas. No. 1 son is coming down to stay with us after Christmas, but will probably be spending much of his visit with his in-laws, but we shall be seeing them before as we are going to Derbyshire very soon for a bit. Looking forward to that. And Christmas Day will be spent with No. 2 son in Dulwich - always a good time, and this is where the goose comes in as he has decided that he wants a goose and a joint of beef for Christmas lunch, rather than a turkey. And as he does the catering, that is what we shall have. The down side is that he does not like Christmas pudding.

Finally I had the following via e-mail, and I am grateful to the sender.

Have a good Christmas.

Clive & Sonia

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time he wants.
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £7.00!!!   Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
 
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 
I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move.
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
 
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning: can you believe that?  At 2:30am!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

”Don’t do it!" says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
 
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
 
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London :

Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
 
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
 
Local Police, hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the ass in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
 
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday - but it went off before I could eat it!
 

Just got back from my mate's funeral.

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

19 Paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

 

Tada!!

Ups and Downs

We were doing all right until last week, when the back and the cellulitis both decided to recur at the same time, but mega doses of antibiotics and several hours of lying in bed reading %) Years of Private Eye has dealt with most of it.

This month was the trip across the North Sea, from Harwich (great hotel restaurant on the front) to Esbjerg. Left at 5 pm and arrived at noon the next day. Good crossing in a rather decent cabin. The to Kolding, where we stayed in a somewhat pretentious hotel, so big that the block of rooms in which we were placed was 10 yards from the main building, where the restaurants were. Could have been nasty if it rained - there were umbrellas all over the place! The evening meal menu was a 9 course dinner - but you could choose only three and they would adjust the size of the portions. When we came to look at it, there was nothing that either of us would choose, so we decamped to the coffee shop for a salad, but insisted on taking the wine list with us, which I suspect caused accounting difficulties.

The next day we travelled east over a couple of bridges on to the islands of which Denmark substantially consists, and then turned south to arrive in Lolland (look it up) and stayed at a hotel in Maribo. We were in a room overlooking the lake and the hotel was just right. Driving on the minor roads in Denmark is like going to Constable country when he was painting - all half-timbered cottages with thatched roofs with moss growing on them. Very picturesque. Then south by ferry to Schleswig-Holstein, driving south through the state until we reached Reinbek, where we stayed with Gunter and Traute, two friends we met when we were in Cayman. 3 days with them - the best part was a trip to Lubeck which was picturesque and educational, and then to Cologne, where Sonia went shopping with a credit card and I spent most of the day in the cathedral. Easy to do - it is huge and interesting. Then to Calais, where P & O tried to get us to pay 76 Euros to get on a ferry earlier than the one we had booked, but we told them we would rather spend the money in Auchan buying the weekend shopping than give it to them for doing nothing and letting us get on a half-empty ferry.

Otherwise a good month, although the allotment is suffering from neglect. Must do better!

Christmas is now approaching - there has been a Christmas tree outside the Rose and Crown in Tonbridge since the end of September. Crazy.

Finally, out of the Ark:

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.' 

Keep trying!