Well, the sun is
shining and summer is definitely in the air. I have spent the last few days in
the garden, sometimes even doing some work. If I have a chair behind me to
collapse into I even get to forking over the garden. No point in sitting in it
wishing it was all done, although Sonia does the majority of the work. In fact
I have only been able to mow the lawn once since we moved in. And that was the
first time since 1995, when we left Orpington for Cayman! I remember arriving
in Cayman for the first time and wondering just what it would all be like, and
would we enjoy it!
Healthwise I have
had a further series of x-rays and scans, the last one being a “nuclear bone
scan”. It turned out to be a modified sort of MRI scan after I had been pumped
up with radio-active fluid and is supposed to give the consultant a detailed
view of what has happened to my bones and also to detect any infection there
may be. That is a big fear as a friend of mine had similar problems and they
removed his new hip and left him without one for a month or so until he had
been does up with powerful antibiotics and the infection had been sorted. Not a
prospect that really appeals to me.
We are off to Dorset
for a week on Friday. We have rented a cottage and our friend Chris and his
lovely wife are coming from Cayman for
visit to UK. Should be a lot of fun.
While we are in
Dorset we will have a quick look at Poundbury at the Prince of Wales’
development and where Leon – No. 2 son – has bought a house. Not sure what the
plan is, as he has a perfectly serviceable house in Dulwich, where his girls
will be at school for the next few years. At least it will be serviceable when
the builders have put it all together after re-modelling it substantially,
including digging out the basement and, in the process, removing the whole of
the back wall. All in the cause of making it a house fit for five people to
live in. But it should be really something when it is all completed.
No further news at present, partly because we
were supposed to be in Cyprus for most of March, but because of the hip we had
to cancel that and now have a few more pounds in the bank than we thought we
would have. However I have continued to collect the following goodies:
Magician Mac King demonstrates to us how to perform The New Rope Trick. I
have never understood how this is done, but this version is a really good one.:
+++
A young man named
Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the
horse the next day.
The next day, the
farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the horse died.”
Donald replied,
“Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said,
“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok,
then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked,
“What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m
going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said,
“You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure
I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the
farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I
raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of
$2495.”
The farmer said,
“Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just
the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
Donald has now
moved into the White House.
+++
A lady goes to her
parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem I have two
female parrots but they only know how to say one thing". "What do
they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said
embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can
see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a
minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I
have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your
two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and
Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your
parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time.
"Thank you," the lady responded,
"this may very well be the solution.
The next day, she brought her female parrots
to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were
inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she
walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After
just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi,
we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned
silence.
Finally,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the
beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
+++
A teenage boy had
just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could
discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought
about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on
it.
After about six
weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've
observed that you have been studying
your Bible, but I'm pissed off that you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long
hair."
(You're
going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did
you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?!!"
+++
A
doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup,
the new doctor told her to bring a list
of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking
through these his eyes grew wide as he
realised Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs.
Smith, do you realise these are birth control pills?"
"Yes,
they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in
these that could possibly help you
sleep!"
She reached
out and patted the young doctor's knee
and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the
glass of orange juice that my
16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love
Grandmas!
++++
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own
business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us.
Five minutes
later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take
it or I'll give it to this nice man here.
A few minutes
later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was
supposed to get off four stops ago!"
+++
Students in an advanced Biology class were
taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points
or none at all.
One student was hard put to think of seven
advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several
diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice
versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in
desperation, just
before the bell rang indicating the end of the
test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and
it's high enough
off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
+++
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He
calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you
to take-a my chrome plate 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.
How about you leave me your Rolex watch
instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna
be runna da business, you gonna have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe
finda you wife inna bed with another
man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "
+++
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas
once told a young female neighbour that
if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on
her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age
of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30
grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot
hole where the crematorium used to be.
+++
EXCUSE ME...
In one of
her daily classes, a teacher (who was a bit of a self-conscious prude) was
trying to teach good manners, so she asked her students the following question:
"Michael,
if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell
her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael
said: 'Just a minute - I have to go for a pee.'??
The teacher
responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman
said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right
back.'
'That's
better, but it's still not very nice
to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you,
Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny
said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce to you after
dinner...'
+++
The man flying the 3 kites is in his 80s, and
he's from Canada. He comes to the Washington State International Kite Festival
every year. His skin is like leather as he normally flies with his shirt off.
He is deaf, so when he flies we hold our hands up and wave them for applause.
He flies 2 with his hands and the 3rd one is attached to his waist.
You must watch to the end to see the amazing landing
of that last kite! I would have those kites so tangled up, you could
never get them separated again! And of course, make sure the volume is
turned up because the music is wonderful and totally reflects the soaring of
the kites.
+++
Nicola
Sturgeon is being chauffeured around Perthshire when her car hits a cow. She
says to the driver. ‘You were driving, you go and see if it’s ok’.
The driver returns and says that the cow is
dead.
Nicola says
‘You were driving. It’s your fault. You go tell the farmer. I cannot be blamed
for anything.’
So the driver
goes off to find the farmer. 5 hours later he returns pissed as a pudding, hair
all over the place. Nicola says ‘What happened?’
‘Well I found
the farmer and told him, and he opened his best malt whiskey. His wife made me
a huge slap up meal and afterwards his 2 daughters took me to bed and made love
to me.
‘What exactly
did you say?’ asks Nicola. ‘The truth’. says the driver. ‘I told them ‘I’m Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur...and I’ve
killed the cow’’!!!
+++
MEET WENDY, THE MULTI-LINGUAL DOG...
If you haven’t met Wendy before, you are in for a treat.
+++
14 WILD WOLVES WORK WONDERS IN
YELLOWSTONE PARK...
Watch this short video and discover
something that is little-known, but true: enjoy!
+++
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and
clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are
a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here
who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no
one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
…..and that’s about all.
