Slowly getting back to normal activities, getting up to Town and all that. Tonight is a concert at the Festival Hall, which is fine until you have to find a taxi, as you have to walk some way before you find the rank, which is often empty with a queue and a lot of people worried about missing their trains, so behaviour is reminiscent of feeding time for sheep on a farm. Sheep leave pigs standing when it comes to selfish bad manners.
Some months ago Sonia won first prize at a local raffle. Surprise - the prize arrived recently - 2 tickets for Glyndebourne at £250 apiece! Eye-watering price for seats in the middle of the stalls. Carmen the day after my birthday, which is nice.
On Thursday Rotary had a speaker from Battersea Dogs Home.Apparently they have an income of about £2100 per day, but only re-home about 9000 animals a year. Each animal costs them about £320 per stay. It makes you wonder where the rest of the income goes.
Next Sunday we have a birthday lunch for the eldest Grandson's 18th. At the top of the Shard. More on that next month, but the interesting bit will be getting there on a Sunday with lots of Sunday working on the railways, and London Bridge and Cannon Street closed. Apparently London Bridge does not even allow trains through without stopping on Sundays, so Charing Cross will be a bit quiet.
This month's contributions include:
God visited an Essex girl and told her she must give up smoking,
drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The
girl said she would try her best.
God
visited her a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not
bad" said the girl, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of
my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and
shagged me right then and there."
"They
don't like that in heaven", said God........
The Essex girl replied: "They're not too happy about it in Iceland
either!"
The sayings of
Phyllis Diller:
Housework can't kill
you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house
while your kids are still growing up
is like shovelling
the drive before it stops snowing.
The reason women
don't play football
is because 11 of them
would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid
of kitchen odours: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy
who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to
have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move
in with them.
Most children
threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only
thing that keeps some parents going.
Any time three New
Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been
robbed.
We spend the first
twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk
and talk and the next twelve years
telling them to sit
down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once
asked me out. I was in his room.
What I don't like
about office Christmas parties . . .
is looking for a job
the next day.
The only time I ever
enjoyed ironing . . .
was the day I
accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
His finest hour
lasted a minute and a half.
Old age is when the
liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't
do me justice - they look just like me.
Tranquillizers work
only if you follow the advice on the bottle:
Keep Away From
Children.
I asked the waiter,
'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three
hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the golf
pro tells you to keep your head down . . .
is so you can't see
him laughing.
You know you're old
if they have discontinued your blood type.
Two Irish nuns
were sitting at a Dublin traffic light in their car when a bunch
of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody
penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother
Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show
them your cross."
So Sister
Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fekkin’ wankers,
before I come over there and rip yer nuts
off!"
Then Sister
Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross
enough?!"
_________________________________________________
A
Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows.
'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.He decides to accept, so they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them ..... It's a police officer!
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'
'Twenty dollars...' she whispers.He decides to accept, so they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them ..... It's a police officer!
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'
_________________________________________________
How to Build an Airliner in 3 minutes: https://www.youtube.com/embed/SE71NJl-naY?autoplay=1
Now this is one airline safety-video that is NOT boring. Click on the link and then on the small link that appears below
Thanks to Alan for much of the above. Keep them coming, chaps
