HAPPY CHRISTMAS

December again. Work on bathroom, kitchen, etc. nearly all completed at huge cost. Remind me not to do this again. More hassle than moving. Work on the garden suspended until the Spring unless spomething strange happens. I have spent the last month digging our tree roots, and have had enough of that, but they are all done. However, the soil is quite friable, but the sub-soil is clay, and this means that the top soil gets very wet, with all the rain that we have had, and does not drain away. It is only about 9 inches thick, so if you dig any deeper you find yellow clay. It also explains why it gets so dry in the summer. You cannot win.

Met Alain and Brenda, whom I have known since I was six, in London last month. They live in France, and are a necessary target when we go to the continent. Always a pleasure to see them. There's nothing like keeping up with old friends.

Also went to the O² , and it took a bit of inventiveness to type that in superscript! for the Barclays Bank Tennis World Finals. Very expensive seats, and positively the most uncomfortable I have sat in for many years. It is not recommended - especially as I was told the other day that the seats elsewhere are 100 x worse. Ho hum.

To cinema twice in one month. Mr Turner ws great - really good acting, and not just by the lead. And to The Imitation Game, where again ther was brilliant acting, but only called for from the lead. Supporting cast's parts did not give the actors scope for their talents. Both films definitely worth seeing.

Also to the Bidborough Am Dram play, but a workman outside in the road had, a couple of hours previously, put a pneumatic drill through the main electricity cable. He survived, but I gather that the drill was not a lot of good afterwards. It reminded me of when I was working for Bromley Borough, when an Irish road worker put a pick-axe through a cable, and the shock threw him across the road. He said "Begorrah" - or something like that - and went back and grabbed hoid of the pick to take it out, and ended up on the other side of the road again.

Christmas is coming. Cards are being written, and presents bought. Doesn't get any cheaper. The Autumn budget statement has been delivered and is full of doom and gloom, despite the apparent icing on the cake. It's time that the Goveenrment woke up to the fact that the primary duties of any government, of any country, is to be in a position to defend the realm against attack from outside, and to preserve the peace. Anything else should come afterwards, - something we were told time and again at all public service courses that I used to get sent to - and there weere a lot of them.

Finally, a couple of tales:

WHERE IS THE RAKE?

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to
take a shower.   I realized that I couldn't find the rake, so I yelled
up to my wife in the bathroom, “Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a
raking motion.
Then my wife still wasn't sure and said again "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first
pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she
pointed to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is
no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Somewhat exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?

She replied:  "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

THE FATAL TEXT!

  

  

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact probably more than you. I'm just not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damned autocorrect/predictive text! I meant "wifi", not "wife

Best Regards

An Israeli and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Israeli, "See how slick I am?  The owner didn't see anything."

The Israeli says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

The Israeli swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Israeli asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastry?"

The Israeli replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket.....”

===

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can visit their own doctor.

---------------------------------------

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession

----------------------------------------

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a

little patient".

------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this

year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

---------------------------------------------

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

--------------------------------------------------------

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with

sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a
bit.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well!

Prophets are going through the roof

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they

were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

=====

A SEASONAL LOVE STORY

I will seek and I will find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you…..

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days!

All my love,

The ‘Flu….

(Now, quit thinking about sex - and go and get your ‘flu shot!)

The Singing Anaesthesiologists

(NB: An anesthesiologist (US English) or anaesthetist (British English) is a physician trained in anesthesia and perioperative medicine.)

 These singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota  - and they can really sing. They are also funny. Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do":  

 http://nottotallyrad.blogspot.com/2009/11/waking-up-is-hard-to-do.html